HELLO BASTARDS.

I got to check out the six-minute prologue to THE DARK KNIGHT RISES this evening, and I didn’t even have to suck Harry Knowles’ dick.

I’m not going to delve into spoiler territory, but I will say HOLY SHIT! Like other dorks have mentioned, the scope of this film is HUGE. The cinematography and camera work are fucking amazing. Needless to say, IMAX is a must.

It’s basically one scene, with a short clip of Commissioner Gordon on the front, and a quick montage at the end. Unless you live in a bomb shelter with Bronson Pinchot, you know the focus of this segment is on Bane, played by Tom “BRONSON” Hardy. Though not incredibly huge like his comic counterpart, Bane still comes off as a villain not to be fucked with. My sole complaint is having a really hard time understanding what he said. I hope this is corrected, because if Christian Bale insists on using his frustrating Batman voice again, any conversations between Batman and Bane might force me to rip my ears off.

On a side note: Catwoman looks a lot better in the film than in those ridiculous spy shots. She’s no Michelle Pfeiffer, but I’m willing to give Ms. Hathaway a day in court. And for the record, she’s also no Kari Wuhrer.

Long story short, all you Batman-loving Bastards have a lot to look forward to.

UPDATE – SPOILER ALERT

Since I know some of you fine Bastards can’t possibly wait to see it for yourselves, below is a more detailed description of TDKR’s badassery (in INVISO-TEXT – highlight that good shit).

Keep in mind: It was really fucking late when we screened this. I was tired as hell and half asleep. I was also strung out on Crack and wearing nothing but dirty boxers.

Enjoy!

The clip starts with Commissioner Gordon giving a short eulogy for the late Harvey Dent.

We then cut to a plane. A group of hostages with bags over their heads are brought aboard, with the intention of interrogating them regarding the whereabouts of Bane. One of the men heading the operation is (I believe) a stool pigeon.

Once in flight, each hostage (still bagged) is hung out the side door, with a gun to their temple, and questioned. They refuse to answer.

Frustrated, they turn to the last hostage. But before the interrogation begins, he begins to speak (garbled, but with a slight English (?!) accent). Turns out the last hostage is actually Bane. One of the men asks what’ll happen if they remove the crazy get-up from his mouth, and he promises it’ll be very painful – for them.

Suddenly, a second plane appears overhead. Bane stands, easily snaps free his bound hands, and proceeds to kick everybody’s ass. The second plane drops a line and basically lassos the first. They cut off the first plane’s tail (!) and each of Bane’s men is lifted out.

Bane tells one of the men to stay, because a body needs to be found in the wreckage. The crazy fucker happily agrees! Bane grabs the stool pigeon, hooks an IV into his arm (I missed some of this part as I reloaded my Crack pipe), and he and the stoolie are left suspended in the air as the rest of the first plane drops nose-first into the mountains. (This shot in particular is fucking epic.)

We then cut to a quick montage of Batman holding a huge gun, two crazed crowds charging each other in the streets of Gotham, the Bat Jet, Anne Hathaway looking pretty hot, Joseph Gordon-Levitt not dressed as Robin, Steve Guttenberg and Bobcat Goldthwait dressed as cops, and Bane walking away from a mangled Batman cowl.

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Jon Abrams

Editor-In-Chief at Daily Grindhouse

Jon Abrams is a New York-based writer, cartoonist, and committed cinemaniac whose complete work and credits can be found at his site, Demon’s Resume. You can contact him on Twitter as @JonZilla___.