Every genre fan likes Christmas horror a lot,

But copyright laws who run everything…do not.

So, let’s remake a beloved film of the season.

Now, please don’t ask why. I don’t know the reason.

From the weird mind of director Stephen La Morte, 

Comes a holiday film that will twist and distort

Our childhood memories of a green bad guy

Who stole and lied and turned the holiday awry. 

And now that it’s Christmas, we need to have some fun

Tuck yourself in and get ready for THE MEAN ONE.

Twenty years ago little Cindy (you know who)

Saw her dear mother murdered with a nail run through. 

The town made Cindy move away, which was ideal 

Because no one would believe that monsters were real. 

Now she’s all grown up, Cindy (Krystle Martin) returns to Newville

To find the townsfolk have gone a bit overkill

In erasing Christmas and its accoutrements

All the people now live afraid and humorless. 

The Christmas Killer, is the main adversary. 

For you see he hates everything jolly and merry.

Like the town from FOOTLOOSE except with no toys,

No tinsel, no carols, no festive sounding noise. 

Therefore, poor Newville surrendered their holiday

So, the murderous Mean One could no longer slay.

The idea is clever, but the there’s not much to the story. 

Mostly Christmas themed deaths and everything gory.

For a film so focused on a bright holiday,

The color scheme lacks brightness and prefers the grey.

The CGI blood is hokey and always outpouring,

But the gags make this movie anything but boring. 

For something so clearly a parody of Dr. Seuss,

The name of the Mean One remains abstruse. 

To prevent legal issues they avoid saying his name,

Instead we just hear “The Mean One” when they exclaim. 

The film presents a wide cast of unique town folk. 

The love interest cop (Chase Mullins) and a mayor who is a joke (Amy Schumacher)

Cindy plays the hero of this Christmas thriller,

the one who steals the show is clearly the killer. 

David Howard Thornton, (also known as Art the Clown)

Once again tortures his kills and does not back down. 

He’s ooey and gooey and always impaling,

The terror is high, and his charm is unfailing. 

However, he does not get enough time on screen. 

Which is needless to say a bit disappointing. 

I wanted less love story and a bit more gore,

With much more deaths and eviscerations galore!

To truly enjoy this film its best to imbibe,

Either beer or whiskey or the kind you prescribe.

Seeing this character all bloody and scary 

Reminds me I like this Grinch more than Jim Carey. 

If you do not watch Christmas horror it’s time you begun, 

The subgenre combines festive terror and fun.

With all its faults, this campy film will make you sneer 

But, let THE MEAN ONE come down your chimney this year.

So, happy holidays to every one of you,

From your beloved horror critic, Amy lou Who

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Amylou Ahava

Amylou Ahava is a PhD student and resident punk rocker. She has studied, taught, and annoyed landlords on three continents and hopes to add a fourth in the future. The childhood dream of being a horror host stemmed into a lifetime love of everything scary and now has led to a focus on disability studies in American horror literature and film. She has been teaching since 2009 and shows no signs of stopping anytime soon. She is a pet parent of 7 and hobbies include horror movies, waffles, and books.

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Tags: Amy Schumacher, Chase Mullins, Christmas horror, David Howard Thornton, Doctor Seuss, Holiday Horror, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Krystle Martin, Stephen La Morte, The Mean One