MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE arrives in theaters today. It’s a massively-budgeted hoping-to-be blockbuster based on the toy line from the early 1980s. What follows is a crash-course on He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, for those new to the property.
In the simplest terms, the story involves a muscle-bound warrior named He-Man and his wonderful and bizarre friends, who live on a planet called Eternia, a world of swords and sorcery that also has robots and laser guns. They are eternally vigilant against the evil skull-headed Skeletor (did he get the name before or after his head became a skull?) and his cabal of strange freaks, who are always up to deviltry.
He-Man’s lineage can be traced directly back to Conan The Barbarian and Robert E. Howard. The other main point of inspiration is, a little less obviously, STAR WARS. The toy company Mattel didn’t get the chance to make the action figures for Star Wars (that goldmine went to Kenner), so a slew of talented designers including the late Roger Sweet* and the painter Mark Taylor got to work on developing the concept. (*Sadly, Roger Sweet passed away in April of this year. I really hope he was allowed to see at least a rough cut of the movie before he left us.) It’s wild to think that He-Man was a reaction to STAR WARS. STAR WARS itself is famously the product of multiple inspirations, from the Flash Gordon serials of the 194os to the films of Akira Kurosawa.
So Masters Of The Universe is a descendant of a descendant, a product of capitalism, a volley launched into the crowded marketplace of the 1980s toy aisles. It was probably the first toy line I collected, so I am unable to be fully objective. While I’m not primarily motivated by nostalgia, I’m also not immune to it. I have a lot of love for the franchise, and I see genuine creativity in many of its characters, but I also, many years later, can clearly see the simplicity and the derivative and even crass nature of the thing. As many wonderful talented people who made it happen, it all came about in the first place and in the last to sell the toys.
The marketing push began in 1981 with the toys, which were originally packaged with minicomics written by Donald F. Glut and drawn by Alfredo P. Alcala. These established the basic story, which really is as basic as they come. The cartoon series He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe, which began in 1983, filled in more of the characterizations, but not really that much, and that’s me being generous.
Almost universally, the character names feel like drunken first drafts. Amazingly, the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE movie is just rolling with it. None of the names have been changed to protect the innocent. They’re really going there, and I have to respect it.
He-Man
The lead character of MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE is He-Man. He’s like a DC Comics superhero, except his core identity is “MAN.” Where Batman took on the appearance of a bat, and Aquaman derived all of his superhuman abilities from the ocean, and Deadman was, well, dead, He-Man is just masculinity personified.
Interestingly, as long as we’re invoking DC Comics, He-Man kind-of-sort-of had a mild-mannered secret identity, in the style of Superman and Clark Kent. He-Man was Prince Adam (as in the Biblical Adam), who picked up his Sword of Power, said his magic catchphrase (like “Shazam!” but “By the power of Grayskull… I have the power!”), and became He-Man.
I’m pretty sure everyone knew Prince Adam was He-Man, and I’m not sure who he thought he was fooling with the subterfuge, but nobody can say that he wasn’t consistent. He did that transformation every single episode.
To me, He-Man was always the least interesting character in the entire franchise. You couldn’t possibly get more of a generic hero archetype, which rarely makes for the most interesting character in the story. I have to say, I really enjoy the modern-day readings of He-Man as queer icon. That makes things a hell of a lot more interesting, though I doubt a Hollywood blockbuster is ready to go in that direction.
Relative newcomer Nicholas Galitzine plays He-Man in the movie.
Teela
Teela is the primary heroine in the series. Her action figure billed her as “Warrior Goddess.” Arguably the interesting thing about the success of He-Man is that it led to She-Ra And The Princesses Of Power, which was sort of a cross between Masters Of The Universe and Barbie (and even money says She-Ra appears in the final moments of the new movie). But at the beginning, all the lady heroing was done by Teela. Here she’s played by the talented Camila Mendes, best known for Riverdale, where she got to play just about everything for an episode or two. (It was that kind of a show.) It’s about time somebody put her in a big movie like this one.
Man-At-Arms
I saw that Idris Elba was knighted this week. “On a Tuesday, I was knighted… On a Friday, I’m in a movie with He-Man…” Life is funny. Life is funnier for some of us than others, maybe. I like how every woman I know is in love with Idris Elba, and he’s a fantastic actor, but whenever he shows up in a huge-budget sci-fi movie like this one (see: also THOR and PACIFIC RIM, to name two), he always gets stuck wearing one very uncomfortable-looking helmet.
Life is funny.
“Man-At-Arms” was He-Man’s older sidekick in the cartoon series. This is color-blind casting, which I’m all for. Are there people out there so lost that they care whether or not Man-At-Arms is a white guy? As long as he’s got the mustache, what’s to complain about?
I’m pretty sure the story went that Teela was Man-At-Arms’ daughter. I guess you’d have to really squint to see a familial resemblance between Idris Elba and Camila Mendes, but this just plain isn’t the kind of thing that will ever bother me. I’m continually astonished that other weirdos aren’t as open-minded. Why be a weirdo at all if you aren’t going to keep an open mind?
Sorceress
The main thing I remember about the Sorceress is that she turned into a giant bird. Regularly. Like just about every time she showed up. And why wouldn’t you, if you could? What I liked the best was that Sorceress dressed like a bird even before she turned into a bird. That’s commitment to the bit. The Sorceress is played by the always-welcome Morena Baccarin. I saw a bird in the trailer for the movie. I bet you three dollars that means Morena Baccarin gets to turn into a bird. And I’ll bet you four dollars that she never got to do that on Homeland. (I have never seen Homeland.)
Fisto
Even as a kid, I knew that name was funny. Didn’t know why, but I knew, somehow. Now that I’m much older and I know why it’s funny, my questions are mainly why anybody wants to do that particular thing. No judgments here. Only questions. “Fisto” is played by Jóhannes Haukur Jóhannesson from Game Of Thrones and Vikings and presumably other shows that require large men bonking other large men over the head with their fists. I’d like to see Fisto and Hellboy arm-wrestle.
King Randor
He-Man’s dad. No memory of this guy from the cartoon. I’m not even sure he had an action figure. But he’s played by James Purefoy, of whom I’ve been a huge fan since Hap & Leonard. I just wish that Michael K. Williams was still alive to play a Man-At-Arms type of buddy for King Randor, and they could go off and have Hap & Leonard style adventures together.
Queen Marlena
He-Man’s mom. Everybody’s got one, right? You see, when a Dad-Man and a Mom-Woman get together, sometimes they make a He-Boy who grows up to become a He-Man. Writing about this stuff for too long can make you delirious. Queen Marlena is played by Charlotte Riley, whose work I’m not as familiar with. I know she’s married to Tom Hardy, who’s exactly my age. I wonder if he had He-Man toys as a kid.
Ram Man
I’ve written about it before, but when I was a kid, I used to pretend my Ram-Man figure was the Juggernaut. It took me way too long to get an actual Juggernaut action figure so I had to improvise. It’s basically the same thing: Big guy running through walls head-first. In case you think I’m crazy, here’s Vinnie Jones as the Juggernaut from that cursed X-MEN movie.
Right? I may be weird, but I’m not crazy.
Ram-Man is played by Jon Xue Zhang in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. He wasn’t Asian in the cartoon, but who cares? You may not want to look at the cartoon for purity or propriety anyway. Ram-Man on that cartoon was portrayed as… uh… simple. Like Bazooka in G.I. Joe, he was the kind of “simple” that made you feel like maybe the other characters should have left him at home, under supervision, instead of letting him wander off into danger. I trust that we have since evolved in our depictions of individuals who use their heads as a battering ram. They deserve as much sensitivity and respect as anyone.
Mekaneck
Some of the lesser-known Masters of the Universe characters had extremely strange, esoteric, even impractical powers. Mekaneck, as a toy, had the amazing ability to stretch his neck an extra half an inch. I have to believe that Mekaneck will get to stretch his neck just a little bit further than that in the movie. Time will tell. Honestly it just seems like the worst goddamn superpower. I also feel like it would have to strain the vocal cords, to start with just one of the anatomical complications having an extending neck would cause. But maybe it’s better not to think about it.
Mekaneck is played by James Wilkinson.
Roboto
Ironically, Roboto is a dog.
Kidding! Roboto is a robot. Domo arigato.
I had the figure! He was one of the few robots that I had as a kid that didn’t transform into something else, but I liked him anyway.
Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live does the voice for the movie. Perfect! No notes. Again: Are there people out there upset that a lady is doing the voice of the heroic robot who appeared to be masculine when he was an action figure? If there are, please tell them that there’s Papa John’s pizza in it for them if they keep walking when they reach the end of that long pier.
Battle Cat
The most immaculate stroke of inspiration in the Masters Of The Universe franchise is that He-Man rode on a green tiger, who also had a semi-secret identity. When he was with Prince Adam, he was called “Cringer.” (Because he was scared all the time.) But when Adam took up the sword and became He-Man, Cringer became… Battle Cat! A green tiger with red armor! Amazing. I’m not even being sarcastic. This was incredible. My Battle Cat figure had a saddle so He-Man could ride him into battle, because that’s just where you go when your name is Battle Cat.
On the cartoon, Battle Cat could speak. Does he speak in the movie? And if so, who does the voice? Go to the movies this weekend and find out.
And coming right up in Part Two of this foolish feature, we will take a look at the bad guys.
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Tags: Alfredo P. Alcala, Donald F. Glut, He-Man, Jon Abrams, Mark Taylor, Mattel, Movies, Roger Sweet, Skeletor, Toys
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