Harold here. I’m the janitor. I was asked to write one of this week’s TWIN PEAKS articles. The one Rich Maier wrote made no sense. They said it was too hard to understand and had a lot of swearing in it. They told me he’s at a some dive bar in Chicago and refuses to leave or even write something better. I have no idea what TWIN PEAKS is and I have never seen a David Lynch movie before. I’m more of a Michael Bay guy, but I will do my best.


So we got this Indian guy and the guy from JACKIE BROWN. The guy from JACKIE BROWN is the town’s police chief or something and the indian is some other cop. They’re looking at a bunch of torn out diary pages. They were from some girl that died a bunch of years ago. The Indian found them inside a bathroom door. The diary says that the good guy is in some kind of ski lodge and the bad guy is outside of the ski lodge. The good guy stays in the ski lodge while the bad guy stays outside skiing. Then the guy from JACKIE BROWN sits down at a desk and pushes a button. Woosh! A screen slides out from a wooden desk and the JACKIE BROWN guy talks to some old guy about the bad guy from the ski lodge. I don’t know what any of this stuff means but the computer screen coming out of the desk was totally cool!


Then this one chick from the army talks to some doctors about the dead body of some fat guy. She asks where the head is. No one knows where the head is. The body has no head! Pretty cool! The army chick tells them that some old guy killed the guy without a head.


Then these two secret agents visit some goth chick. They want the goth chick to talk to some guy in prison but she just stands there swearing at them. Then she just stands there smoking. Then she swears some more and brings them coffee. The loud guy really likes the coffee. Then she smokes some more and swears at them again. Then they take her to the guy in prison. She swears at everybody! I’m starting to like this chick! Then she yells at the guy in prison and gets upset. Then she smokes some more cigarettes and gets upset at the secret agents.


Then it’s some cop talking to some guy. Then the guy gets scared and walks into a house. Then the cop stands by the road looking at his watch over and over again. Now this is just getting boring. Then the cop gets bored and drives away.


Then the guy in prison wants strawberries so he asks some guard to talk to the guy that runs the prison to get him some strawberries. So then he talks to the guy who runs the prison about some other people. He never gets any strawberries but they give him a car instead. So they just give this guy a car and let him leave? What kind of prison is this guy running?


It turns out that the guy from prison has a twin brother that works in an office and is married to this really hot blonde chick. The twin brother can’t find his car and some cops are bothering him about it. The hot blonde really tells these cops off! The twin brother kinda just stands there as she yells at them. Chicks really tend to yell at people in this show! Then when they’re walking out of the building, some short bald crazy guy tries to shoot them! The twin brother grabs the gun in his hand and throws him! Then a plant suddenly grows out of the ground and talks to him! A talking plant! Then the cops find a bunch of gooey bloody stuff on the gun. That was cool!


Then there’s this one part where some guy is sweeping a floor. He’s got this broom and this dustpan and he’s just slowly sweeping this nice wooden floor at some bar. He wasn’t even good at it. I should know. I’m a janitor. Why can’t he just get a bigger broom and just do it in a bunch of swoops? This guy sweeps the floor for twenty minutes! What kind of show is cool enough to have a guy grab a gun from another guy in front of a talking plant and then lame enough to have some other guy sweeping a floor for thirty minutes? The guy sweeps the floor for twenty minutes while some other guy just stands there talking on a phone! Then for ten minutes a bunch of old people walk around in a restaurant and then some Hawaiian music starts playing. So half the episode is a guy sweeping a floor and old people at a restaurant and the other two-thirds is secret agents, hot chicks getting mad at people and talking plants? I really want to like this show but I don’t know what I’m liking. The talking plant was cool! The chicks yelling at people were cool! I would like more of the talking plant and maybe a car chase.









Rich Maier

Rich Maier is a film and music critic and a screenwriter from the badass Chicago suburb of Blue Island. Aside from often incomprehensible Facebook rants and The Daily Grindhouse, Rich has written screenplays and comic book scripts for Kaosfield Studios. When not being a writer and a beer snob, Rich is the main musician / producer for the mostly electronic act Sanity Association. He is also the former keyboardist, programmer, and sometimes guitarist for the legendary goth band Dalet-Yod.

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