[THE GRAY LODGE] THIRTEENTH REPORT

 

 

Dougie Jones…

 

We still don’t have Agent Cooper back, yet somehow “Dougie” is very good at being Cooper without being Cooper. I knew he wasn’t going to drink the coffee. I didn’t know how it would come about, but I knew. It’s as if he carries something with him from the lodge. David Lynch’s version of The Force? Not really, but something like that. One thing recently occurred to me. When Cooper does return, will he remember his life as Dougie?

 

 

Evil Cooper…

 

I know I’ve contradicted myself once or twice about Evil Cooper. I thought I remember saying something to the effect of the character not having much depth. I believe I have also said that I enjoy the character. Make no mistake. I love the character. I especially love his dialogue. I love the way Kyle MacLachlan plays him. The arm-wrestling contest. The way he “almost” lets him win. I don’t remember the exact line. Something like, “You hurt my arm at this angle. Starting position feels much better.” The one punch kill. The scene almost plays out like a David Lynch version of FIGHT CLUB. Making everyone leave the room before he deals with Ray only for them to watch via video camera. It seemed he knew they would be watching anyway. Now he knows of Phillip Jeffries’ “betrayal.” Interesting that the now “dead” Ray had been sent to the Black Lodge. Will he remain dead? Will he end up with an evil doppelganger? Would that make his doppelganger good or was he never truly evil to begin with?

 

Hutch and Chantal…

 

I don’t have much to say about Hutch and Chantal’s conversation about Mormons. “They don’t drink alcohol. They don’t drink caffeine.” I remember being at some stupid event in the 1990s with well-known Mormon Donny Osmond. The idiot radio personality whose name may or may not be Mancow tried to get Mr. Osmond to drink a beer. I found this rather odd, being that Donny had been nursing a can of Mountain Dew, which has more caffeine than Jolt. Nothing against Mormons or Donny Osmond.

 

 

Big Ed… Audrey….

 

Fans have been waiting for Audrey. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have also been waiting for Big Ed. Neither of them seem too happy. Audrey doesn’t even seem to know who she is. She doesn’t even really know where she is. We don’t even know where she is. Where’s The Roadhouse? What document was Big Ed burning during the closing credits?

 

Sara Palmer…

 

Sara Palmer is a drunken mess. Can you blame her? She lost her daughter. She lost her husband, who had been raping her daughter while under the influence of an entity possibly brought forth by a nuclear mutation. I’m not sure that gallons and gallons of vodka would even be enough, considering the circumstance.

 

 

James… Always cool….

 

I guess he was. The song remains the same… I guess.

 

Cooper… Cooper… Cooper….

 

 

 

Rich Maier

Rich Maier is a film and music critic and a screenwriter from the badass Chicago suburb of Blue Island. Aside from often incomprehensible Facebook rants and The Daily Grindhouse, Rich has written screenplays and comic book scripts for Kaosfield Studios. When not being a writer and a beer snob, Rich is the main musician / producer for the mostly electronic act Sanity Association. He is also the former keyboardist, programmer, and sometimes guitarist for the legendary goth band Dalet-Yod.

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