[THE GRAY LODGE] TWELVTH REPORT

 

Agent Cooper…

 

All over social media I see people expressing their frustrations over the absence of Agent Cooper. I’ve even seen statements to the effect of, “Let’s face it. Cooper isn’t coming back.” I assure you, he’s coming back. It’s just a matter of when and how. We’ve even seen footage of him as his true self in the promos. In one he’s even driving a car with an unseen passenger. We all know that “Dougie” sure as frak cannot drive in his current state. One thing that boggles my mind is why hasn’t Janey-E found Cooper’s FBI ID in his pocket? Maybe she had been at the end of a wash cycle when “Dougie” returned from his three day bender. Or maybe he didn’t bring it with him into the lodge. Did he leave it in the lodge? He still had his room key when he returned. Also, how’s Janey-E going to handle it when she finds out that the real Dougie had been wiped from existence? What will happen to Sonny Jim? It already seems like he suspects that something’s wrong, much more so than everyone else seems to. One thing’s for sure; the real Dougie must’ve been a pretty dull guy.

 

Blue Rose…

 

For years Twin Peaks fans have theorized what a “Blue Rose Case” consists of. The common theory I’ve seen the most was that it represented an impossible or unsolvable case. Now we know a little bit more. Phillip Jeffries recruited Albert, Agent Desmond, and Cooper? Cooper had to have been recruited through Gordon being that he hadn’t met Agent Jeffries until his mysterious reappearance during FIRE WALK WITH ME. He even pointed to Cooper and questioned his identity. He was obviously confused and thought it was the doppelganger. Now we have Agent Preston officially part of the task force and Diane somewhat unofficially on board. I don’t remember them letting Tammy in on their distrust in Diane. Did I miss something?

 

Audrey Horne…

 

Another fan frustration that I’ve encountered on social media was up until now the absence of Audrey Horne. This time the common theory I’ve seen was that she had still been in a coma after the cliffhanger twenty-five years ago. Her husband Charlie certainly baffled people quite a bit. If that’s not a marriage of convenience then I don’t know what is. We still do not know if Richard Horne is in fact her son. If so, we still don’t know if Charlie is the father. I happen to share a popular theory; Evil Cooper is the father. Who else would he inherit these tendencies from?

 

Warden Murphy…

 

Who?

 

The guy that Evil Cooper’s associates assassinated.

 

Who?

 

The guy from the prison.

 

Who?

 

The damned warden!

 

Ben Horne…

 

The handing over of Cooper’s key was touching. The knowledge of Richard Horne’s involvement in the hit-and-run and the attempted murder? Not very touching at all. Richard is his grandson. Does Audrey have more than one sibling? I don’t know. I’m a Black Lodge guy. I’m not much of a Great Northern guy.

 

Sarah Palmer…

 

Did anyone notice the music / soundscape in the background during the liquor store scene? It’s exactly the same as from Phillip Jeffries’ scene from FIRE WALK WITH ME. “We live above a convenience store.” The only thing inconvenient about that store was Sarah. What set her off? The turkey jerky. Remember when Laura Palmer warned James about her fate? “I’m gone like a turkey in the corn.” Things that make you go hmm…

 

Laura Palmer…

 

The show is called TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN. The return of what? The return of the show? The return of Agent Cooper? I’m starting to think more and more that it refers to someone else. I’m gonna call it now. Somehow, someway Laura Palmer is coming back to the real world. (I was right about Laura Dern playing Diane, wasn’t I?)

 

Rich Maier

Rich Maier is a film and music critic and a screenwriter from the badass Chicago suburb of Blue Island. Aside from often incomprehensible Facebook rants and The Daily Grindhouse, Rich has written screenplays and comic book scripts for Kaosfield Studios. When not being a writer and a beer snob, Rich is the main musician / producer for the mostly electronic act Sanity Association. He is also the former keyboardist, programmer, and sometimes guitarist for the legendary goth band Dalet-Yod.

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