HI! I’m Mia Mayo, Horror Hostess of the critically unacclaimed cooking show I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVY! When I’m not concocting some delightful and vomit-inducing movie-themed treat, I am usually sitting in my underwear on the couch and watching some awesomeness from my VHS collection! Tonight was no exception. Pants came off and the decision was clear. MOUNTAINTOP MOTEL MASSACRE! Pack your overnight bag. Let’s do this!
I’m proud to say that 1986’s MOUNTAINTOP MOTEL MASSACRE was my first ever horror VHS purchase. Years ago I was scrounging around the Goodwill, uncovered this gem, and was so taken by the cover art that I had to buy it. From the genius tagline, “Please do not disturb Evelyn. She already is.” to THAT FACE peering from the open door, I was instantly intrigued. She looked more like a cute elderly lady that would offer me a perfume sample at Macy’s than the star of a slasher film. I had to find out: What is your damage, Evelyn?
…HER DAMAGE IS THAT SHE IS FUCKING NUTS.
Fresh out of the insane asylum and back to running the secluded Mountaintop Motel, Evelyn (played by Anna Chappel) kills a bunny and her kid in a psychotic rampage. And that’s, like, in the first five minutes of the movie! Evelyn makes it look like it was an accident, there’s a funeral, something else happens, and then she starts hearing her dead daughter’s voice! That really makes her lose her shit. This isn’t good news for the guests checking in that night. But it’s totally awesome for us to watch her kill off all the bad acting. She does this by using the underground tunnel system that connects all the cabins to the motel’s office. So bad ass! She releases rodents, roaches, and a venomous snake into the rooms but then ups her Norman Bates game by going after them with a sickle (which, in my humble opinions, is a weapon that needs to make a comeback).
I dig this flick. The corny dialogue, Chappel, the one girl’s really 80s hair, and the oddly sci-fi b movie music are all super rad! The story itself and the rest of the cast are as exciting as Grape Nuts though. And the ending is like beating the shit out of a piñata and having Polident fall out. Pretty disappointing. If you haven’t seen this though, don’t let that deter you! It’s worth the watch just to see Evelyn get increasingly crazier and deranged looking (read: the purple eye shadow under her eyes getting darker).
Top 3 things I learned from MOUNTAINTOP MOTEL MASSACRE:
- If he says he’s a record executive, you and your friend shouldn’t fuck him. He’s lying.
- Facial snake bites can be kind of a turn on when it’s on the right person.
- Evelyn has a sickle sense of humor. (hahahahhahahahaah snort!)
Why you should watch it:
I know we’re supposed to fear her and view her as this menacing character. Honestly though, Evelyn is kind of old and adorable. MOUNTAINTOP MOTEL MASSACRE may be considered a brutal 80s slasher movie but I think it’s more like a long, really bloody episode of the Golden Girls. Except instead of killing a cheesecake, she’s killing people. And I’m into that.
Love,
Mia
Welp, now I need to check this movie out!
Welp, now I need to watch this flick!
Do it! Evelyn is waiting for yooooooooou…
Mia rules, the end.
Thanks, Andrew! 🙂
Great review of a bizarrely terrible movie. <3 Mia's style, and corresponding absence of pants.
Thanks Dexter!! Glad you liked it!
…wish I could find my pants though.
Don’t fret – they’re not necessary.