No-Budget Nightmares – Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood! (1999)

 

And now for something completely shitty.

 

Part softcore vampire flick with sub-porno production and part jerk-off “tribute” to Ed Wood, BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES is an insult to anyone expecting even a minimum amount of entertainment value out of low-budget filmmaking. The promise of nubile young goths is thwarted by a cavalcade of dried up strippers who appear to be pushing 40, stumbling through about twenty minutes of plot peppered by endless, unsexy love scenes between people who often look either bored and/or high. Add in plenty of leering and cornball humor and you’ll likely need a bath to clean off the sludge long before the closing credits roll.

 

 

The plot is.. uninspired. The far from barely legal Lilith (Stephanie Bloode, but all the “actors” use a pseudonym) wants a more serious relationship with her unnamed lesbian lover (the sparkle covered Theda Baire), but gets shut down. Rejected, she wanders around before being accosted by the strong-chinned Carmilla, who talks – terribly – entirely in the third person, and makes her romantic intentions regarding the badly-wigged Lilith very clear. Soon the two are gleefully chasing each other around a graveyard, before returning to Carmilla’s lair for some shoulder biting and nipple licking that is about as sexy as a particularly unkempt slaughterhouse. In the middle of this unpleasantness, Carmilla – of course – bites Lilith, revealing that she’s actually A VAMPIRE! Oh, and I should mention that her vampire subordinates watch them get it on, while sticking their tongues out and making lecherous, unpleasant faces.

 

 

Lilith is now Carmilla’s captive, so this is a good opportunity to mention that while BLLV is about 80% filler, the most irritating of that filler are scenes featuring the character MR CREEPO (played by producer Tim Beckley) wandering around a cemetery in pursuit of the gravestone of famously awful director Ed Wood. In a particularly misguided decision, Mr. Creepo is “playing” a producer on the film we’re actually watching and breaks the fourth wall as he asks Wood for guidance. These scenes are terrible, insulting, and – frankly – in awfully bad taste. Though, considering that Beckley is both a former adult movie film critic, and is best known for producing DRILLER – A SEXUAL THRILLER, an 80s porno version of Michael Jackson’s THRILLER music video, I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised. These sequences are peppered throughout the film, but their only purpose seems to be to drag the film kicking and screaming to the 80 minute mark.

 

 

Back to the movie. We’re at last introduced to our hero Muffy The Vampire Slayer (played by an “actress” known as Circe) as she explains to Lilith’s lover (credited only as The Lover, and the worst actress in a movie full of pitiful acting) that her ex has been kidnapped by vampires and they have to save her. Now, here’s a game you can play at home. What comes next?

 

a) Muffy and The Lover come up with a plan to rescue Lilith.
b) Muffy assembles a team of vampire hunters and they prepare weapons.
or
c) A ten minute, completely random sequence of a girl being weakly spanked, followed by two completely superfluous women having a “blood bath” (actually a shower with them squirting fake blood at each other) that is about as arousing as an appendectomy and brings the film to a grinding halt.

 

Hey! You guessed right! Good for you.

 

 

Back to Muffy, who knows that Carmilla is the culprit (she’s posting ads for her upcoming party all over the local cemeteries), but she doesn’t know where she might be. Thankfully, there’s a local Vampire prostitute who tends to have all the information she might need, though she seems so out of it that she can just barely spit out her three or four lines of dialogue. Muffy gets the info, and stakes the prostitute who erupts in a fiery inferno! No.. wait.. they just superimpose some really cheesy looking flames over the screen. MY MISTAKE.

 

There’s a brief scene involving what appears to be two middle aged parents chasing each other around a cemetery before before we finally, mercifully get to Carmilla’s party. There’s so much awful here I don’t quite know where to begin. Perhaps most egregious is the film’s climax, where Muffy simply walks in and tells all the vampires they are under arrest(?!!?) before revealing that she has the power to turn regular water into Holy Water. If that’s not silly enough, she still manages to get overtaken by vampires, distracting Carmilla just long enough to be stabbed through the heart by Lilith. I guarantee you that you’ve never seen a worse staking on film. I guaran-fucking-tee.

 

 

How do you feel about awful twists at the end of your movie? I hope you love them, because the final reveal is that both Muffy and Lilith have become vampires. OH SHIT! REALLY? Yeah, and it makes not a lick of sense. Heave-ho, you awful movie.

 

Production value is sub-par even for micro-budget film-making, with events meant to take place in the same room featuring obviously different lighting and video quality. The dialogue is awful, the acting is shit, the characters are annoying, and the violence is non-existent. Director Tim Swartz has done nothing else of note, while Tim Beckley/Uncle Creepo revived his awful character in a series of films that, like this, are trying to get by entirely on their obnoxious titles: PUNK ROCK ZOMBIE KUNG-FU CATFIGHT, and SANDY HOOK LINGERIE PARTY MASSACRE if you really must know.

 

You will not enjoy this movie. Moe and I are going to tear this thing apart in a couple of days on the next DAILY GRINDHOUSE PRESENTS: NO-BUDGET NIGHTMARES podcast, but if you really feel you must prepare yourself, you can watch the whole thing for free below.

 

But don’t.

 

 

 

Five Nightmares out of Five – PLEASE KILL ME

 

One Nightmare – No-Budget Perfection, Two Nightmares – Shocking Success, Three Nightmares – Shows Potential, Four Nightmares – Not Much Fun, Five Nightmares – Please Kill Me

 

Join us this week for the latest DAILY GRINDHOUSE PRESENTS: NO-BUDGET NIGHTMARES PODCAST where Moe and Myself will have a chat about BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES.

Doug Tilley

Doug has been a geek for as long as he’s been alive, but has only been blogging about film since 2008; originally writing for his personal site and eventually moving to Daily Grindhouse where he writes regularly about micro-budget films and film-makers in his No-Budget Nightmares column. At the end of 2011 he started the popular No-Budget Nightmares podcast with Moe Porne, and regularly contributes to a variety of other genre film podcasts. He likes movies, movies and movies.

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