It’s Day Four. Fantastic!
Here are some movie-related things that found space in my mind over the past 24 hours.
DANGEROUS ANIMALS!
Check out the trailer for DANGEROUS ANIMALS! It’s a genre-bender from Australia about a serial killer who kidnaps a surfer and sails to shark-infested waters with nasty plans for her. Best of all, this is the new film from Sean Byrne, who made THE LOVED ONES and THE DEVIL’S CANDY. Both are excellent, but THE LOVED ONES in particular is a modern classic and it makes anything this filmmaker does a must-see.
THOR VS. GODZILLA!
Marvel Comics is releasing a series of specials where superheroes take on Godzilla. This one is maybe most promising to me, since it’s written by Jason Aaron, whose work I really admire. He’s done great stuff with characters I love, like Ghost Rider, and maybe more importantly, with characters that I don’t, like (sorry) Thor. Here’s the cover by the legendary Thor artist Walt Simonson.
Aaron said he’s taking inspiration from 2001’s GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK in his depiction of Godzilla, which is beautiful music to my ears.
NETFLIX IS GOING TO TURN PEOPLE INTO CANDY!
Netflix is producing a reality-show competition based on Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, and there’s really only one way this is headed: Psychedelics, exploitation of little people, and contestants getting swelled into blueberries. Had a feeling that Netflix is not exactly a force for good in this world, but I didn’t know things were getting this sinister.
THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE IS UP FOR SALE…
This is sort of a drag, and I’m sure I’m about to sound like a crank, but reporting hit today that the rights to the TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE “franchise” have become available. I’m feeling exhausted just thinking about it. Mainly because whatever it is, I’m gonna have to see it. But I curse a world that forces us to endlessly revisit a masterpiece that remains so vital, in forms that never approach it, rather than nourishing new inspirations from new voices. I understand that film is a business. But sometimes it really kills the soul. Of course I understand why there are sequels to RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, and in a couple cases I’m glad they happened, but it’s also true that it was very literally perfect the first time, and nothing ain’t ever gonna be that perfect again.
I’m not against remakes or sequels or updates, but we’ve also got to be more honest about them. It’s really rare that these are not a case of diminishing returns. The argument bores me, really. Every time you voice apprehension about a remake of a classic, there are those who, without fail, will say, “But THE THING was a remake! And you liked that, didn’t you?” Or “THE FLY! What about THE FLY?” Well, you’re right. Those are incredible remakes, probably even better than the originals. But can you spot the difference? It’s this: THE THING was directed by John Carpenter, a genius. THE FLY was directed by David Cronenberg, who even John Carpenter will tell you is a genius. Most filmmakers today aren’t cooking with that level of flavor, and it’s not always their fault. They’re fighting a marketplace that rarely rewards risk-taking.
THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE was something unique. Its devilish alchemy comes out of the time in which it was made and the conditions in which it was filmed. There’s a lunatic rage to that film that is near-impossible to even remotely approach in the realities of modern-day filmmaking. There’s a polish to the majority of today’s movies that in their very approach preclude the sort of madness that inhabits TEXAS CHAIN SAW. There are very few filmmakers I could name who I would think were capable of doing this title justice, and just thinking their names makes me look forward to their next original idea, not asking them to go back to rethink old ones. The very fact that we’re forced to think of once-original works of art as “IP” is all the proof you need.
It’s not that I don’t like the TCM sequels, very much the contrary in a couple cases. Generally speaking, when it comes to sequels, there are some really great ones. But rare is the sequel that stacks up to the originals. There’s no HALLOWEEN better than the first. There’s no A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET better than the first. There’s no JAWS better than the first. Sure, there are FRIDAY THE 13THs better than the first, but there’s no FRIDAY THE 13TH even close to JAWS, HALLOWEEN, or A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. (There is not going to be any argument there, I’m sorry.) People can like whatever they like, and I encourage liking as many things as you like, but when we are talking about excellence, we have to be serious.
All of that said, good luck to whoever gets the rights! The name alone will generate interest, so good on you. But nothing is gonna touch what Tobe Hooper and his heroic band of maniacs did in Texas in 1973. I would love to see the movie that could prove me wrong. Call it a challenge!
WE ARE ALL DOOMED!
A friend sent this to me, and as reluctant as I am to share anything from the Post, this story is their exclusive, so credit where it’s due.
Among only nine at a research station in Antarctica, one has gone on a rampage, terrorizing his fellow crew members. Distressingly, they won’t have relief until December.
I really don’t want to make light of this story because it allegedly includes violence and threats leveled at women, which is horrific in all the worst and realest ways.
But I’m also stuck with the brain I’m stuck with, so I can’t help thinking about the movie you probably thought about the second that you saw this story.
What makes it even more sadistic is the Post won’t identify which crewman turned evil, but then they ran pictures of all nine members, leading anyone reading to have to speculate over which one of them it could be. We can pretty safely rule out three of them, but looking at the other six, would you be able to tell which one is prone to cruelty? Can’t always tell which men will turn out to be monsters.
Now I’m thinking about that movie again. There’s maybe none more relevant in 2025, where nobody trusts anybody anymore, and we’re all very tired.
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Tags: Antarctica, Australia, Columns, Jason Aaron, Jon Abrams, Marvel Comics, Sean Byrne, Sharks, The End, The World, Walt Simonson
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