Hello Bastards.
The Creeper has many talents, and I’m not just talking about my world record for Longest Slip ‘n’ Slide while Prairie-Dogging.
I’m also a goddamn psychic.
The DG 8-Ball is a forum that allows me to gaze into the future…of potential cinematic trash. All release dates are tentative, but all my opinions are FACT.
SHAME drops on 12/2. Steve McQueen rises from the grave to direct a flick about a sex addict, played by Michael Fassbender. Carey Mulligan plays Magneto’s sister, which probably means she doesn’t get naked. Damnit. She’s got a strange hotness about her I can’t quite put my finger on (but would like to).
McQueen and Fassbender also teamed up on HUNGER, which I haven’t seen. After some intense research (I googled it, clicked a random link, and browsed keywords from the first paragraph), I’ve come to the conclusion they make artsy shit and are critical darlings. I don’t have a problem with that. Fassbender is a hunk who’s got a strange hotne….I mean, he’s a great actor. He acts very well.
Early word says SHAME is pretty damn good, and Fassbender is hung like Brother Charles from SOUL VENGEANCE. Honestly, I have no interest in seeing that.
OK, maybe a little interest.
VERDICT: Sure, why not?
OUTRAGE drops in early December. It’s both directed by and stars Takeshi “Beat” Kitano.
As I’m sure most of you Bastards know, Beat Takeshi is a master of tough films. Solid examples of his work include: FIREWORKS, BROTHER, and a take on THE BLIND SWORDSMAN: ZATOICHI (which was pretty good, but no BLIND FURY).
OUTRAGE is a Yakuza gangster flick, which, if similar to Takeshi’s previous work, will be both beautiful and brutal. I dig his style, and will probably check this out as well. Sadly, I’ll have to wait for the DVD. It’s only getting a limited release, and I live in the fucking sticks.
VERDICT: Check it out.
SLEEPING BEAUTY drops on 12/2. The flick stars Emily Browning, who you might remember as Tits McGee from the godawful SUCKER PUNCH, now looking to establish her indie cred. The plot revolves around Lucy, a struggling student who looks to raise some much-needed cash by allowing herself to be dolled up, knocked out, then fondled by Steve Guttenberg.
For those looking to get their perv on, keep in mind that SLEEPING BEAUTY is the directorial debut from Julia Leigh. With many female directors, the objectification of women is usually kept to a minimum. As it should be. Goddamnit.
I’ll just wait for Larry Clark’s ROOFIE: THE MOTION PICTURE.
VERDICT: CRAP.
THE SITTER drops on 12/9. Jonah Hill plays a wacky college student who, through some wacky hijinks, ends up babysitting a wacky group of wacky kids. I’m willing to bet there are lessons learned, comedy that ensues, and at least one bag of pot introduced.
Director David Gordon Green is mostly known for stoner comedies like YOUR HIGHNESS (which I heard sucks) and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS (which I’ve seen, but forgotten). He also did UNDERTOW – which is an odd flick, but definitely worth checking out. So, at least in regards to Green’s pedigree, you have no idea what you’ll find under his cinematic toilet seat.
That said, I didn’t like ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING. I will probably hold equal disdain for ADVENTURES IN STONER BABYSITTING.
VERDICT: CRAP.
NEW YEAR’S EVE drops on 12/9, just in time for Christmas.
Movies like VALENTINE’S DAY and LOVE ACTUALLY are similar to flicks like TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE and TALES FROM THE CRYPT – but not so much TALES FROM THE HOOD. Instead of horror, however, these anthologies are catered to those who dig chick flicks. You know – morons.
Basically, it’s about a bunch of assholes in New York, suffering through their affluent, privileged lives and loves. In the end, it will all cleverly intertwine. How fucking convenient.
Granted, this shit isn’t made for us Bastards, but I find these technically-well-crafted pieces of tripe emotionally manipulative, unrealistic, and insulting. Do cat ladies need to live vicariously in Nora Ephron’s Candyland?
The cast is…um…diverse…
Sarah Jessica Parker once again rears her ugly head. I’m assuming she plays an intolerable twit. Jessica Biel surfs through on the waning moments of her fifteen minutes of fame, with Ashton Kutcher joining her for the ride. Finally, just as the pure hate threatens to bubble over, we have…Robert De Niro?! Come on, man! Surely there was a cop flick or something – anything – that you could’ve been doing outside of this. We also have Zac Efron, Katherine Heigl (meh), Sofia Vergara (meow), Carla Gugino (yum), Michelle Pfeiffer (sure, why not?), Hilary Swank (it’s a man, baby?), Halle Berry (don’t act, just exist), John Lithgow (wtf?!), Ludacris, Eazy E, Jon Bon Jovi, Rikki Rocket, Seth Meyers (yawn), Lisa Simpson, Ryan Seacrest (for fuck’s sake), and basically EVERYONE ELSE ON THE FUCKING PLANET!
VERDICT: CRAP.
That’s all we have this week, Bastards. As far as this edition of the 8-Ball goes, you might consider skipping a trip to the Megaplex and maybe catching up on a few seasons of Hardcastle and McCormick. It’s a lot cheaper than the theater, and Brian Keith is a dreamboat.
Let’s cleanse the palate, shall we?
- [THE BIG QUESTION] WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE ENSEMBLE IN MOVIES? - July 22, 2016
- [IN THEATERS NOW] THE BOY (2016) - January 24, 2016
- Cult Movie Mania Releases Lucio Fulci Limited Edition VHS Sets - January 5, 2016
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