HELLO BASTARDS.
Yes, you read that right. This isn’t going to be the typical Top Ten list.
No, I’m not thinking outside the box, nor am I thinking outside the bun.
Truth be told: I only saw fifteen theatrical releases this year, and about half of them were chosen by my little girl.
I wasn’t trying to be picky. I just didn’t go to the fucking theater. For a good part of the year, I worked for a prominent movie company, and had no desire to go back during my time off. Then, after getting a new job, I simply didn’t want to pay for that shit. Twelve years of free flicks will spoil you.
At any rate, the DG Boss asked for contributions, and goddamnit, I’m a Team Player. Not to mention a Power Bottom.
So, without further ado, here are the Fifteen Theatrical Releases I Saw in 2012:
1. THE AVENGERS
One of the three movies on this list I went out of my way to see. And it was totally worth it. I’m not a comic book guy, so I can’t tell you about continuity or if this particular version of the Hulk was more Jack Kirby than Joseph Barbera, but THE AVENGERS delivered exactly what it advertised: Pure entertainment from beginning to end.
2. CABIN IN THE WOODS
Like THE AVENGERS, this flick delivered exactly what it advertised, the “surprise” ending notwithstanding. To be honest, you could switch the one and two spot on my list and I wouldn’t complain. Good shit, Bastards.
3. TED
Here’s where things start to get dicey. Most of the following movies I was dragged to. Not always kicking and screaming, but dragged nonetheless. I’d give TED a resounding “OK,” but that’s about it. There were a few hilarious moments – the teddy bear and duck squaring off to the theme from FLASH GORDON coming immediately to mind – but the comic premise just didn’t reach its full potential, not unlike TEAM AMERICA.
4. SKYFALL
I was blown away by CASINO ROYALE, and ever since I keep expecting Daniel Craig’s franchise to deliver. Sadly, it really hasn’t. QUANTUM OF SOLACE was pretty bad, and though I enjoyed quite a bit of SKYFALL, it’s nowhere near the quality of CASINO.
Did anybody else notice that the second half of the film is HOME ALONE?
5. REC 3: GENESIS
I caught this on cable, but technically, it was released theatrically in the States in 2012. We could argue about it all day, but come on, let’s be friends. The movie is a lot of fun and worth checking out. Quit being a dick and just fucking watch it.
6. GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE
Another one with a questionable release date. Caught it on cable, too. I read a fuck-ton of scathing reviews, so needless to say, expectations were low. That said, I kinda dug it. The movie is flawed, and the story pretty weak, but Nic Cage appears to be having fun, and the action sequences (especially those with Blackout) are done well. If you’re looking for Shakespeare, why the fuck are you watching GHOST RIDER?
7. RISE OF THE GUARDIANS
First of my kid’s picks, and easily the best. It’s not the perfect animated movie (no tentacles), but I enjoyed it. And the kid *really* dug it. Plus, Santa sports a copious amount of tattoos. How cool is that?
8. PROMETHEUS
After several months of pre-release hype, PROMETHEUS dropped like a wet turd on the silver screen. There were a handful of elements I kinda enjoyed, but overall, Sir Ridley disappointed. And that tacked-on scene at the end was incredibly stupid. But golly, Fassbender’s pecs!
9. BRAVE
Yup, another flick with the kid. Maybe I would’ve been less disappointed if it wasn’t made by Pixar, but BRAVE just left me empty. And my daughter was bored. And where was Christopher Lambert?
10. MIRROR, MIRROR
That’s right. A movie with Julia Roberts made my Top Ten. Shut up. Tarsem Singh has an interesting visual style, and Lily Collins is hot, despite stealing Bert’s unibrow.
Dishonorable mentions:
ICE AGE: CONTINENTAL DRIFT – Fuck you, Ray Romano!
THE LORAX – Dear Hollywood: Why must you constantly shit on Dr. Seuss’ grave?
CHIMPANZEE- Fuck you, Tim Allen!
THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS – Aardman should be ashamed. Do they think they’re Dreamworks?
MADAGASCAR 3: EUROPE’S MOST WANTED – See above.
Well, that’s all I got, Bastards. Hopefully the theatrical fare offered in 2013 will force my sorry ass off this ratty couch.
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Mirror Mirror was far better than SnW and Huntsman! and to think my resolution last year was to never see any film w/Julia Roberts.