HELLO BASTARDS.
Every year the good folks at A&O Productions drop a 24-hour grueling marathon of b-movie goodness at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois. It’s a lot of fun, a lot of snacks, a lot of sleep deprivation, and a lot of geeks.
B-Fest is the real deal, and highly recommended. But please, for the love of Bonnie Franklin, take a fucking shower beforehand.
Dig it…
BEST OF THE BEST (1989)
This is a fun flick to kick things off, and awesome with a crowd. Korea (no North or South, just Korea) and the USA pick their most elite Taekwondo fighters to compete for the ultimate prize – chocolate discs covered in gold tinfoil. I can (almost) buy Eric Roberts as a bad-ass, but Chris Penn as a martial arts expert is a stretch. That said, his line at the 11 second mark of the trailer clears his good name.
Director Robert Radler also helmed The New Monkees. Just saying.
THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES (1968)
The Ted V. Mikels’ classic dropped next. A science experiment gone wrong results in a dude in an unconvincing mask going around killing beautiful women. Er, I mean a zombie. That dude in a mask is *totally* a zombie.
I’m sure most of you Bastards are familiar with the work of Uncle Ted. ASTRO-ZOMBIES is perhaps his most (in)famous flick, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. As a matter of fact, it’s pretty damn boring.
I’ve only got two words for ya:
Tura Santana
TO CATCH A YETI (1995)
Next up came a turd made specifically for television: TO CATCH A YETI. As depicted above, the titular creature is half Mogwai and half demon-seed of Satan.
Basically, a “yeti” is mistakenly taken back to the United States in some poor slob’s backpack. A rich family wants the yeti for nefarious purposes, but a nice family actually loves the yeti. Said rich folks hire Meatloaf to hunt down and capture the yeti.
Yes, *that* Meatloaf.
This movie broke a lot of folks at the Fest, but honestly, I just found it forgettable. I mean, TO CATCH A YETI can still suck me sideways, but it wasn’t enough to take me out.
THE WIZARD OF SPEED AND TIME (1979)
A B-Fest staple. Watch it above.
PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE (1959)
Another B-Fest staple. Watch that good(?) shit above.
DISCO GODFATHER (1979)
PUT YOUR WEIGHT ON IT!
Another classic from Rudy Ray Moore. This time, he’s trying to get his nephew off drugs by any means necessary. The flick starts off with some good campy fun, but soon takes a serious turn regarding the perils of drug abuse. Highlights include nightmarish hallucinations, as well as Moore’s knack for wearing the flashiest duds.
Good stuff.
DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS (1977)
I wanted to watch DEATH BED, but instead passed out. Sue me.
Folks claim I didn’t miss much.
TARKAN VERSUS THE VIKINGS (1979)
This is the shit right here, Bastards. A bunch of villainous vikings kidnap a beautiful girl in order to sacrifice her to an octopus puppet. Fortunately, Tarkan and his dog show up to kick ass and chew bubblegum – assuming they had bubblegum in Turkey back then.
Put this on your Must-See List. A gem.
MUTANT HUNT (1987)
I’m guessing this was selected because it was made by the same diabolical mind behind ROBOT HOLOCAUST. Yeah, this movie sucks, but it’s no ROBOT HOLOCAUST.
Typical trash featuring bad 80s’ music, copious amounts of boredom, and the occasional boob.
Meh.
GURU, THE MAD MONK (1970)
I slept through this Andy Milligan classic. From what I heard, it was for the best.
THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS (1957)
Classic. An evil brain named Gor (from planet Arous, of course) possesses a brilliant scientist with the intent to – wait for it – take over the world. Fortunately, a good brain named Vol arrives to thwart him…by possessing a dog.
This is good shit, Bastards, but shit nonetheless. John Agar puts in the performance of a lifetime, and Joyce Meadows is pretty damn hot.
Recommended.
STUNT ROCK (1980)
From DG favorite Brian Trenchard-Smith comes STUNT ROCK. This flick focuses on Grant Page, a rugged stuntman and #1 Fleetwood Mac fan (I’m assuming the latter). When not lighting himself on fire and jumping off buildings, Grant lends his talents to the rock band Sorcery and their elaborate stage-show – think Alice Cooper and GWAR, except replace anything cool with a goofy wizard and a devil that looks like a castrated Ronnie James Dio.
Not bad.
ROADHOUSE (1989)
Never heard of it.
WEREWOLF IN A GIRLS’ DORMITORY (1961)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6mMLGwAyQo&feature=watch-now-button&wide=1
I watched the first ten minutes, then tried to find a place to charge my phone. There’s a bunch of chicks, some scandalous letters, a werewolf in the woods, and maybe some other stuff. Bronson Pinchot may have starred. I don’t remember. I do recall no shower scene a la REFORM SCHOOL GIRLS.
Watch that dull shit above.
THE GALAXY INVADER (1985)
A Don Dohler classic. An alien lands in redneck country, and must now avoid having his gat and/or egg stolen by hillbillies. This is a fun flick, albeit a ridiculously stupid one.
If you’re not familiar with Dohler’s work, you’re missing out. Sorta.
Watch that good shit above.
IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA (1955)
Tampering with radiation pisses off a giant octopus. Wackiness ensues.
The monster is pretty fucking awesome. Sadly, when it isn’t around, the movie is pretty fucking boring.
However, we *are* talking about Ray Harryhausen, thus making the flick mandatory viewing.
That about wraps it up, Bastards. I expect to see more of you next year. If nothing else, I can throw down a Wet Willy while you’re trying to sleep through JUNGLE HELL.
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