2014 was a pretty damn interesting year for movies. But are we so sure tonight’s Oscars reflected that? No. We are not sure. In fact we are sure that there is an alternate universe where the Academy Awards are far more interesting to atomic mutants like us. A Bizarro Universe. With Bizarro Oscars. Here are some of the 2,387,094 awards that were handed out at that ceremony tonight.

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BEST PERFORMANCE IN A BAD MOVIE

Eva Green, 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE.

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BEST CELESTIAL ROCK MONSTERS

The Nephilim, NOAH.

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BEST USE OF LATIN FREESTYLE

THE GUEST.

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BEST SCORE FROM A MOVIE YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T SEE

THE MACHINE, by Tom Raybould.

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BEST EVIL HENCHMAN

Dean Winters, JOHN WICK.

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BEST HORROR-MOVIE MASK

Steve’s, from FOUND.

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BEST SUPERHERO COSTUME*

THE SCRIBBLER.

* Not necessarily an endorsement of the movie.

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BEST NAUGHTY NURSE OUTFIT

THE ZERO THEOREM.

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BEST WARDROBE ADJUSTMENT

Rocket Raccoon, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.

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BEST CHARACTER ACTOR

Bill Paxton, NIGHTCRAWLER/ EDGE OF TOMORROW/ Agents of SHIELD (TV).

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BEST EXTRA

The real-life J. Jonah Jameson all the way in the back there.

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BEST DESERVES-HER-OWN-MOVIE CHARACTER

Hammer Girl, THE RAID 2.

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BEST NAZI SLAUGHTER SCENE

FURY

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BEST MOST CINEMATIC SHITKICKERS IN ONE PLACE

JOHN WICK.

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BEST ANYTHING

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BEST CATCHPHRASE

“Ba-ba-ba… dook! Dook! DOOOOOKH!” — The Babadook, from THE BABADOOK.

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BEST OUGHT-TO-BE-A-CATCHPHRASE

“Get ready to bleed, rich bitches!” — Michael K. Williams, THE PURGE: ANARCHY.

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BEST LINE, IN CONTEXT

“Fuck Chicago.” — Tom Hardy as Locke in LOCKE.

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BEST LINE IN OR OUT OF CONTEXT

“Let them fight.” — Ken Watanabe as Dr. Ishiro Serizawa, GODZILLA.

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BEST DANNY TREJO MOVIE

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BEST JOHN CUSACK MOVIE

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BEST NICOLAS CAGE MOVIE

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BEST LIAM NEESON MOVIE

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BEST LUIS GUZMÁN, PERIOD.

Luis Guzmán, IN THE BLOOD.

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BEST FIGHT

The club scene, JOHN WICK. 

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BEST WEREWOLF

This guy, LATE PHASES.

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BEST VAMPIRE

Tilda Swinton, ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE.

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BEST CAR

Don Johnson’s ride in COLD IN JULY.

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BEST CAR CHASE

THE RAID 2: BERANDAL.

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BEST DOG

“Daisy,” JOHN WICK.

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BEST WORST MOVIE

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WORST BEST MOVIE

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BEST “FUCK YOU” MOMENT

“Fuck you, MUTO!” — Godzilla to MUTO, GODZILLA.

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BEST HERO MOMENT

Everything Ed Harris does in the final minute of FRONTERA.

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BEST END CREDITS SEQUENCE

“Shelter From The Storm,” ST. VINCENT.

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BEST JOHN WICK

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BEST PICTURE 

Well come on, this picture of Pam Grier is pretty much the best picture.

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Jon Abrams

Editor-In-Chief at Daily Grindhouse

Jon Abrams is a New York-based writer, cartoonist, and committed cinemaniac whose complete work and credits can be found at his site, Demon’s Resume. You can contact him on Twitter as @JonZilla___.

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Tags: Awards, Lists, Luis Guzmán