I’m about to tell you about a real movie that actually exists. Keep that in mind as you read the following synopsis:
NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE is about a group of punks who dress like extras from THE ROAD WARRIOR. They’re lead by a hermaphroditic nightclub performer (played by Gene Simmons) with a plan to contaminate the city’s water supply (because of… ransom?) but the plan falls apart when secret agent Drew Stargrove (played by George Lazenby) steals a disc that has some kind of special information on it. The bad guys kill him but not before he manages to send the disc to his son, Lance Stargrove, a student gymnast (played by John Stamos). Then, the bad guys come after Lance and he needs the help of his father’s hot partner Danja Deering (played by Prince protégée Vanity) who hides weapons in ridiculous places and showers outside. Now it’s up to the two of them to fight of the punks using only an arsenal of weapons and the martial art form known as gymnastics.
It’s as weird as it sounds, but way more ‘80s. You’ve got a car and motorcycle chase, Robert Englund, a countdown clock that stretches the limits of suspension of disbelief, and the protagonist’s Asian friend who just so happens to be working on a weapon for no real reason. Also it’s pretty clear that this was all intended as the start of a Young James Bond-esque series about Lance Stargrove (giving some significance to Lazenby’s small part… I guess…). But where would they have gone next? You don’t start with a psychotic hermaphrodite… you can only go down from there…
All in all the film manages to stay entertaining for 90 minutes (either because you’re genuinely with it or you’re laughing at it, it’s about a 50/50 split). Not like it really matters because this film isn’t on DVD or on-demand anywhere… I guess you could hunt down an old VHS copy if you want to watch a movie that’s kind of fun. Or don’t. There are lots of other movies. Maybe watch one of them?
Death Rents a Video
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