Gather around on bended knee, and I’ll spin you a yarn. You see, kids, the Internet was no longer content to be a harmless place where people watched cat videos, argued about the merits of Joel vs. Mike, or whether or not “Dod Kalm” was a bad episode of The X-Files. It needed something more. Something bigger. It wanted to see its name in big, bright lights, a la Dirk Diggler, and it didn’t give a damn whether feelings were hurt, or whether what they were actually saying meant anything other than “I have wi-fi, fingers that work, and angry thoughts.” So the boiling hot takes were served up, and I find myself cursing Al Gore for inventing the Internet, because it’s morphed into this stupid, monolithic monster that will never ever die.
I’m going to float a crazy, out-of-this-world theory by you, one you may not believe. Get ready to clutch your pearls, bate your breath, and hang on to the edge of your seat: The Internet has an opinion. Not just a simple one at that. An ALL CAPS opinion about every single thing, regardless of knowledge on the topic at hand. Something happens, and the people must mash their hands against their keyboards in an attempt to enunciate just what they’re feeling, even if all they can eke out is something along the lines of “stupid cucks.” And nowhere is this more evident than in how we consume art, even on the things that haven’t even come out yet. And since we now have movies that are being made years out, people have time to formulate and speculate on things that won’t even matter until the damn thing unspools in front of your eyes.
And nowhere is this more evident than how horror buffs and film fans have been gnashing their teeth about a remake to a 27-year-old property. If you were to dig around in the comments section for film websites, you’d think the remake killed someone in their family.
The trailer for the adaptation of Stephen King’s novel, IT, dropped today, and it’s pretty damned cool. The pacing is excellent, and it gives some cool glimpses without giving the whole show away. It’s got a nice throwback vibe, looks genuinely creepy, and the photography has a crisp, sharp look to it. There’s a nice manner to how the shots are structured, too. Unsurprisingly, it was directed Andy Muschetti, who made the equally beautiful MAMA. I think the new look on Pennywise is unsettling, and I think the way they’ve mirrored it to the ’80s look will be a nice touch. Although, ridiculously enough, someone has complained that because it’s the 1980s, Mike will not be singled out for racial epithets. Uh-huh.
And yet, people are still complaining about it, although caveat to this is most people seem to like it. Still, the reactions prior to the trailer were ridiculous. We should be happy that we’re getting a big-budget Stephen King movie in 2017. The adaptations of his works have been hit and miss (I’ll defend the original Sometimes They Come Back as a very haunting tale, equal to IT), but make no bones, we’re getting King on the silver screen. Instead, people are bitching about how the IT remake is going to blow, or gasp — Roland Deschain is going to be played by a black man (yeah, THE DARK TOWER sounds pretty good from where I’m sitting). We should be excited that the world seemed to figure out that Stephen King is someone worth celebrating, and yet… We have to have a silly reaction to something, so let’s complain that it’s a remake, and it’s going to ruin the miniseries forever, and their childhoods™. These are all the other arguments you’ve heard ad nauseam, until your life becomes an endless Mobius strip, and you suddenly look towards the gaping Void as a sweet, sweet release. I get the complaints. I do. I used to be the person who hated the idea of remakes. I grew up on the films, cherished them. Then, I just stopped caring, and decided that if there was one way to decide if a remake stunk, I was going to… see the movie. Or at least view more than one trailer for 90 seconds. This might be heresy to the many of you who devoured the miniseries on ABC in your youth, but if you stripped away the still-terrifying performance by Tim Curry, the miniseries isn’t exactly some great shakes. And it wasn’t exactly the purest adaptation of the novel. Thus, this film might be a better version (it has the house on Neibolt Street!). So, smile, have a Coke and shut the eff up.
Here’s the thing, there are bad days for a lot of people, and there are fantastic days, where we get to see amazing art created by some of the most talented people in the world. And yet, we always find a reason to complain. And what’s worse is, some of the complaints are just kneejerk observations that solely exist to get those beautiful clicks. We turn on films faster than vultures descend on roadkill. We consume art at a breakneck speed, because that’s simply what we have to do. Move on to the next thing, please, and try to clean up after yourself. We dismiss it even faster. We see the poster for a hotly anticipated movie and either think, “That looks great,” or “LOL — this is going to fucking blow.”
Just try this… If you really hate the remake, or remakes or whatever IP you deem has been destroyed by Hollywood, step away from your computer before you find yourself on the receiving end of a Michael Ironside migraine. Pick up the book if you must — IT is still a fantastic read (aside from the, uh, sewer thing with the Losers Club). Or go outside and read it there. We’ll leave the light on for you.