Dark Age
Director: Arch Nicholson
1987
Country Of Origin: Australia

Darkage

As I’m currently on holiday in New Zealand, I felt it was appropriate to watch films that include animals that could kill me, just not where I currently am. As New Zealand has, at worst, slightly aggressive sheep and Australia has the largest collection of animals that want you dead, I settled on a little Ozsploitation. In the proud tradition of CROCODILE, CROCODILE 2: DEATH SWAMKP, ALLIGATOR, ALLIGATOR 2: THE MUTATION, BLOOD SURF and others, there is DARK AGE. A proud part of my favorite horror/grindhouse subgenre (Big Animals Eating Small Stupid People) I could feel the ghost of Steve Irwin stirring as I watched this…

The plot consists of a giant crocodile that has been swallowing locals like chicken McNuggets and a park ranger who along with two guides are sent to upbraid the beast for his naughty behavior. However, this leviathan is revered as a god by the local Aborigines who don’t want the beast killed, thus causing some Colonial friction between the two groups. While I’m pleased to say they didn’t revert into ACTUAL Colonialism (shoot the Aborigines, shoot the croc, turn the area into a subdivision) the upshot s they actually strive to find a balance between keeping the beast as a sacred animal for the Aborigines and keeping the locals out of its digestive tract. Another twist on what turned out to be a fairly entertaining film was that during the hunt one of the two guides find they have a sacred connection to the crocodile and have a mental rapport.

crocdg4

All spiritual, shamanistic stuff aside, if I found out that I shared a rapport with an enormous, prehistoric reptile, I’d try one of two things in order to keep it under control. I’d either wear a iPod with super fancy headphones and listen to Top 40 music or the Best Of American Idol (being heroic and no concern with what it was doing to my own eardrums and grey matter) until my ears bled, and I cowed it into submission. Or, all of a sudden the beast would find it can’t stop thinking about things from Rule 34. Why is there so much awful Kitty Pryde/Magik porn? I’m not saying the scenes where they were BLOWING UP CROCODILES wasn’t entertaining, I just think watching a close relative to the dinosaur trying to wank off to tentacle rape hentai could be vastly amusing.

HENTAI TENTACLE RAPE

But maybe that’s getting saved for Dark Age 2: Rise Of The Tentacle.

HUGS AND HISSES,

LITTLE MISS RISK

Little Miss Risk is the star of stage and scream. Her legendary burlesque performances can be seen at the wrong place at the right time across this landscape of ours. She is currently co-starring in AMERICAN MARY, directed by The Soska Twins.

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Jon Abrams

Editor-In-Chief at Daily Grindhouse

Jon Abrams is a New York-based writer, cartoonist, and committed cinemaniac whose complete work and credits can be found at his site, Demon’s Resume. You can contact him on Twitter as @JonZilla___.