Oh the holidays! The coals in the stockings! Booty calls from Krampus! That voyeuristic elf on the shelf! Sexy, evil mall Santas! The fist fights! The tears! Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album! I LOVE the darker aspects of this joyous occasion! It makes me so jolly, I could just spit! Which means I couldn’t wait to strip off my red and green long johns, pour myself a large cup of Mia Mayo’s Xmas Punch (it’s vodka. Just vodka. But in a reindeer-shaped mug), and rewatch my favorite yuletide VHS classic: BLACK CHRISTMAS!
In case you haven’t seen it, I’m going to spoil it for you: Black Christmas is a story about a bunch of sorority chicks that are trying to enjoy their Christmas break but keep getting slaughtered by an insane killer that is hanging out in their attic. They start receiving these $1.99/min type of phone calls just as they’re packing up to go home. Then girls start disappearing. Asphyxiation, rocking chairs, hooks, Christmas carolers, abortion fights, heavy breathing, IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE, blah blah blah ensues. Who the hell is doing this? And why? It’s gotta be that piano-playing boyfriend. What’s his deal anyway? Even if he isn’t the killer, why is he such a butthole? And why hasn’t someone checked that damn attic? Like, seriously? You ladies can’t hear or smell that?
ALL QUESTIONS ASIDE, I LOVE YOU, BLACK CHRISTMAS.
First off, can we swoon over this box for a mere moment? It’s like a Norman Rockwell painting gone terribly wrong. The tagline “If this movie doesn’t make your skin crawl…it’s on TOO TIGHT” I have altered and used in place of a pickup line more than once. Even the FONT has me drooling.
This movie is FANTASTIC! Bob Clark directed this and some other Christmas movie about a kid wanting a toy gun but that doesn’t hold a cinnamon-scented votive candle to this one! Olivia Hussey and Margot Kidder are excellent! The killer is beyond creepy (that one eyeball peering out. Ugh). The murders! That music! The house mom and her innovative alcohol stashes!! SO GOOD! All of it! There’s nothing that gets me going more than holiday violence and ho-ho-homicide! (ew. I went there.)
THE TOP THREE THINGS THAT MIA MAYO LEARNED FROM BLACK CHRISTMAS:
- 1. Don’t ever join a sorority. You WILL get drunk and be murdered viciously with a crystal unicorn. It sounds magical but it’s totally not.
- 2. The plastic bag warnings should be heeded by all. Unless vacuum-packed is your look for the winter season. And in that case, extend your shelf life and work it.
- 3. What happened to the golden age of obscene phone calls? “Let me lick it!” and “I’m going to kill you.” is still fun and sexy, dudes! Caller ID, Schmaller ID! Pay phones exist! Use them! And call me, dammit!
Why this movie wins the battle:
Because this really isn’t questionable material like some other stuff I have in my collection. It IS a classic. And it’s bad ass. It’s also considered one of the first slasher flicks ever made! Freddy, Jason and Michael are still total babes but there is something undeniably attractive about being #1 (sorry, guys). PLUS the creep-factor of this movie destroys all! The ending STILL makes me get off my ass to check the closets (and that’s saying a lot because I hate moving).
Season Screamings and some other unoriginal reference!
And may all your Christmases be black!