Hi! It’s Mia Mayo! And I have a confession to make:
I had not seen TerrorVision until last month.
Go ahead. Give me your dirty looks, your eye rolls, your judgmental faces! I can wait.
I don’t know how this film slipped under my radar. After admitting to not ever have seeing it, this hot dude sent me a VHScopy (sexy, right?). I made a date night with myself: removed my pants, ordered a falafel, and popped in the tape. I was nervous, excited, and slightly aroused which I assume is the norm for TerrorVision virgins. Is the movie going to be as cool as the VHSbox with the creepy satellite eyeball? Is that melting ball of fudge with teeth on the back of the box the monster? Where the hell was my falafel? So the music starts…
And I’m in love.
Real quick, awful synopsis: The Putterman family install a satellite dish in the backyard and everyone is super excited about it. Little do they know that this satellite not only brings a bevy of channels but alien trash that materializes as a slobbering mutant that zaps through the TV and into their living room. Young Sherman Putterman is the only one that is aware of this and tries to warn his entire family. His parents are too busy trying to have sex with another couple though and don’t care what their son has to say. Grandpa is just kind of crazy and his sister Suzy is off frolicking with her boyfriend O.D. So Sherman is pretty much on his own. My favorite word “butthole” is used a lot, great acting takes place, and the garbage monster starts eating everyone. Sherman reaches out to superhot horror host Medusa to stop this thing from making the planet his Hometown Buffet and more gnarly stuff happens. The End.
SO BASICALLY: This movie is everything that is right in the world and I can’t believe I went my entire life not knowing about this.
Let’s start with the stellar cast. Mary Woronov and Gerrit Graham are the super sexy swinging parents with bedroom art I would kill for. Sherman (Chad Allen) is a little bad ass. He’s like all the kids from The Monster Squad combined. His sister Suzy (played over the top and, like, totally far out by Diane Franklin) is SO Cyndi Lauper, it makes me sad that it’s not a popular look anymore. And O.D. (Jon Gries of Napoleon Dynamite fame) is my favorite part of the entire film for being such an 80s buttrock dude and for stealing every scene in his WASP t-shirt and metal hair.
I love this movie because it’s so fun and beyond quotable. I wish I had a jacuzzi just so I could call it a “jacooze”. The alien monster is actually pretty cute despite that whole eating humans-thing and looks kind of cuddly. And the theme song is SO good, I catch myself singing it in the shower (which is weird because I don’t know any of the words).
TOP THREE THINGS MIA MAYO LEARNED FROM TERRORVISION:
1. Medusa: one glance and you’re hard as rock. THIS IS TRUE.
2. Gerrit Graham will always be Beef from PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE. ALWAYS.
3. Holy tomatoes! Swinging with another married couple is fun! Just watch out for STDs and trash can aliens from outer space! (there’s no over the counter cream for the latter. Trust. I Googled it.)
Why this movie wins the battle: Because there was no fight to begin with. As soon as you press play, this movie is pure gold! This flick deserves to be shown at every pizza party, every slumber party, and every other party (including your upcoming Christmas ones). Now excuse me while I go cruise the Sunset Strip for a boy toy like O.D. You like metal? KISS THE BOOT.