Oh hey! It’s Mia Mayo again! Pants are off, I got snack mix and I’m ready to review one of my most favorite vhs tapes!
When meeting a new potential suitor, there are four very important questions I always ask:
1. Do you like cats?
2. Do you accept Satan as your dark lord and savior?
3. How GREAT is Ethiopian food?
4. HAVE YOU SEEN XTRO?!
Seriously. Have you seen the British horror film XTRO (aka The Movie That Made My Vagina Really Hurt)? NO?
First, let’s discuss the box cover art.
In a word: FLAWLESS. If someone had this xenomorphic family portrait tattooed on their arm, I would marry them (or at least buy them a drink). This is not the sexy Giger alien you have grown accustomed to seeing. The alien in this flick has creepy rat eyes and I think he would smell like egg salad (I imagine Giger’s aliens smelling like Drakkar Noir and own expensive watches. Don’t judge me.) “Some extra-terrestrials aren’t friendly”. You’re absolutely right, box cover art! And Tony’s dad is no exception.
Quick rundown: Sam and his son Tony are out playing catch or something in a field and there’s a bright light and Sam disappears. Sam’s wife Rachel and Tony try to get on with their lives but the little kid is plagued with nightmares over his dad taking off. Three years later, Sam returns and he’s, well, different. Rachel is also hooking up/living with this American photographer so it’s not really a smooth family reunion. Shit is weird and it just keeps getting weirder. Sam has returned from some far off planet and he wants to take Tony back with him. There’s also something about world domination through microscopic larvae but that part is less interesting. Will Sam be stopped?! And if so how?!
Confession, you guys. I like alien sex. I’m not ashamed of this. Girls swoon over vampires and werewolves making out in Twilight. I can’t help but like the idea of “out of this world” lovers. That being said…this movie is GOOD. GALAXY OF TERROR’s sex scene still reigns supreme in my perverted little mind but this one is a very close second. AHHH AND THAT BIRTHING SCENE!!! I think XTRO should be shown in every classroom to stress the importance of birth control. Pictures of STDs are frightening but the visual of a thirty something year old man crawling out of your crotch will make abstinence seem waaay cool. Rachel (Bernice Stegers) is kind of a babe too. Kid actors are normally obnoxious but Tony is decent. He gets to do some pretty awesome things like make his toys come to life and kill people. There is a creepy clown running around too. Basically this movie has everything you would ever want in an alien flick plus a bunch of odd stuff that makes it stand out among the rest. Like, Prometheus was awesome but where was the panther attack and miniature tank? Hmm?
Top 3 things Mia Mayo learned from XTRO:
1. A full grown man should never be forced out of your birth canal. It will hurt and you will die.
2. I can watch you chew off your own umbilical cord and suck down snake eggs but, if you’re British, I will still probably find you attractive.
3. Never touch pulsating sacs that are floating in your bathtub. Even if they look cute and squishy. Just don’t.
Why this movie wins the battle: Because combined with everything else I already mentioned, XTRO has true heart as well. Not really. But it does have slimy things, boobs, blood, and mediocre special effects. And I know you’re easy so that should be enough. Oh and did I mention the killer toys?