REVIEW – STONE COLD (1991)

 

You ready to be punched in the face by 250 pounds of mullet? Then step right up because Brain “The Boz” Bosworth is serving up a one-two punch of mean muscle, dirty bikers, and bullets… lots and lots of bullets. The Boz left a crappy football career to become an action star and STONE COLD was his first outing. The film blew dogs at the box office either because people didn’t buy Pretty Boy Floyd (aka The Boz) as a mean undercover cop or because the flick looks like the same ol’ B-movie action formula that Hollywood had been busting out for decades. Those sorry bastards who ditched this flick are missing out. STONE COLD is fucking epic when it comes to 80’s and early 90’s action films and it doesn’t just act as a B-movie, it bathes in it.

 

 

Brian Bosworth is Joe Huff, a tough Alabama cop on suspension for excessive violence toward criminals and fashion (see: muscle pants). After working over some thugs in aisles 1 through 7 of his local grocery store, Huff is approached by the FBI to work undercover to infiltrate “The Brotherhood”; a biker gang suspected of dealing drugs, guns, and fruit baskets. The gang is led by Chains Cooper played by Lance Henriksen. Also showing up in the gang is a gritty William Forsythe and the dude Schwarzenegger tossed on top of a stove in T2.  Henriksen steals the show the second he appears on screen, he just nails bat-shit crazy and when you put him next to someone making their first film it shows. Henricksen craps bigger than The Boz.

 

Huff agrees to go undercover, changes his name to John Stone and shit goes south quick. In between bouts of superfluous story arcs we get tits, fist fights, some generic biker action, and Bosworth doing his best to act. He isn’t bad, but he’s far from good. In the end though, who gives a fuck? You came for the action and this film delivers in spades.

 

 

STONE COLD has one of the best finales of any action film made in the 80’s or 90’s. Yes, I honestly believe this. This shit is COMMANDO good. Bosworth goes full on John Matrix as he and the biker gang battle it out in a courthouse and mess up the immaculate marble flooring… jerks. Exploding helicopters, exploding people, exploding bikes, weapons of all types, and the long awaited Henriksen Vs. Bosworth match-up the world has been waiting for.

 

 

STONE COLD was directed by Craig Baxley who also made ACTION JACKSON. Baxley is primarily a TV director and my guess is the stank from the box office numbers of STONE COLD had something to do with that. It’s a bum rap though; this flick has one purpose, no more, no less: Fuck some shit up real good. Mission accomplished. Well played Boz, well played.

SEE YOU ON FORTY DEUCE,

G

 

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