Not that I have anything against gay porn.

Matt Hannon plays Joe Marshall, the titular Samurai Cop. Who the fuck is Matt Hannon, you ask? Well, our Hero is an actor who looks incredibly comfortable on a sound stage and/or in front of a camera…assuming they’re shooting gay porn. I mean, I haven’t seen gay porn or anything. Come to think of, I’ve seen a couple movies – maybe a dozen – but it was with a friend who was trying to come to terms with his sexuality. I didn’t actually enjoy the films. I take that back. DAS BUTT wasn’t bad. The men were well-oiled and athletic, and the storyline was fairly believable. But that’s beside the point. Just forget the fact that I frequently watch and participate in gay porn. Pretend I never brought it up.

My point is: Matt Hannon is too much of a surfer-like pretty boy for me to take seriously as a shoot-and-ask-questions-later badass cop. Then, adding insult to injury, I’m supposed to buy him as a katana-wielding samurai? At that point I kindly request my suspension of disbelief to go fuck itself.

Hair or wig? Regardless, they're both FAAAAABULOOOOUS!

Anyway, the Samurai Cop is asked to take a hiatus from his regular job at Smoothie King to help local law enforcement bring down the evil Yakuza that’s taken a stranglehold on the city. Nobody understands the Samurai Cop’s methods – mostly because he’s a jackass – but damnit, he gets results. Frank Washington is his wisecrackin’ partner, and one of the many racial stereotypes that run rampant throughout the film. His job is to occasionally take down bad guys, but mostly just mug at the Samurai Cop’s antics and provide “comedy relief’ – though, for the life of me, I can’t recall laughing once. At least not at anything intentional. In case you’re wondering, there is, in fact, the perpetually grouchy police chief who likes to chew ass and loosen his tie in exasperation. I can’t blame the flick for that. The angry police chief is federally mandated to appear in buddy-cop flicks.

Humping in your undies? YOU'RE FUCKING DOING IT WRONG!

Speaking of stereotypes, Robert “The Face” Z’Dar plays – wait for it – an evil JAPANESE samurai named Yamashita. Words fail me. His gang consists of genre stalwarts Gerald “Oh, That Guy!” Okamura, as an Italian lawyer (kidding), and porn star Krista Lane as the chick who bangs Z’Dar (yes, he gets a sex scene, and so does Okamura – fortunately, not together) and say, “Here comes the boss!”

“"Here comes the boss!"”

SAMURAI COP falls out of the Retard Tree, hits every branch, and proceeds to beat itself along the neck and upper torso with the broken limbs. The dialogue is awful, the acting awfuller, and my grammar awfullest. Wish I could say the fight choreography rocked – yeah, I wish I could say that. But when Robert Z’Dar and a living, breathing Ken doll are your two martial arts experts – my friends, you are fucked. I don’t care how fast you speed up the fight scenes. Two sped-up fucknuts shitting their pants are still just two fucknuts shitting their pants – just really fast.

I like a lot of movies – usually, for all the wrong reasons – but there are only a select few that make the Creeper’s vaunted “Must-Fucking-See List.” SAMURAI COP, my friends, is a Must-Fucking-See.

Just like Kurosawa. Delbert Kurosawa.

Highlights include a vague threat about putting someone’s head on a piano, a Z’Dar sex scene, an Okamura sex scene, the fact that Okamura plays a character named “Okamura,” hot nurse dirty talk, a church kidnapping that leads to sex (chicks dig kidnapping, right?), “Shoot! Shoot him!,” sex in your undies, retarded patriotic diatribe in a restaurant, unnecessary Maitre D’, sped-up sword fights, a Yakuza boss with a sweet mullet and John Oates mustache, hot oil crotch fighting, and America’s favorite drinking game – SPOT THE WIG!

Not since De Niro and Pacino in HEAT has the screen been ON FIRE with such starpower!

Recommended.

PUT YOUR WEIGHT ON IT!

The Creeper

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Jon Abrams

Editor-In-Chief at Daily Grindhouse

Jon Abrams is a New York-based writer, cartoonist, and committed cinemaniac whose complete work and credits can be found at his site, Demon’s Resume. You can contact him on Twitter as @JonZilla___.