MOE TICKLES THE BABY…
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When I first watched THE BABY several years back on VHS, I had it in my head that at some point during the film Baby was going to – through a series of Rube Goldbergian flabtraptions – somehow fall on the plunger of a TNT blasting machine, following with the line: “Baby made a boom boom.” Sadly, this never happens in the film, but now you’re thinking about it and you know it would be awesome. Somebody call Hollywood and tell them to make it so. I NEED TO SEE THIS HAPPEN!
The real story in THE BABY isn’t any less bizarre though. If anything, it’ll have you shaking your head – your maw gaping and drooling. Definitely drooling. Mrs. Wadsworth (Ruth Roman) has three “kids” – two daughters, who I couldn’t be bothered to learn their names over staring at their tits, and a son, the titular Baby (pun intended). Baby is a 21 year old man stuck in an infantile state, due to some light poking and (cattle) prodding from mommy and sis-sis.
As the film opens, we see Baby (David Manzy) being babysat. He’s fussing and crying due to a wet diapy, so the sitter changes him. One thing leads to another, and before you know it, Baby is suckling the her lunch balloons. At first you think, WTF? Why would she do that to a baby? Then you remember – he’s 21! There’s a serious sexual angle brought into play very early in the film, and immediately your mind starts racing to where they could possibly be going with this next. When Mommy catches the sitter being suckled, she does what any mother would do in this situation: She beats her half to death and kicks her out, threatening a lawsuit if she tells anyone. Soon enough, though, we discover that the sitter is not the only one getting their nipples sucked in this house. The big haired and bigger breasted sister makes her way into Baby’s room that night to play little brown ring around the rosie! Ashes! Ashes! We all fall DOWN!
That story alone would have been enough to keep it nice and weird for the viewing audience. It would have been like BAD BOY BUBBY on LSD. Add in Ann, the cute, but seemingly naive social worker, and her ensuing interest in Baby, and you start to wonder what her deal is too! We learn Ann’s husband was in some kind of accident and presumed dead. In too short of a time for even a montage, Ann starts visiting Baby with increasing frequency, and we discover she’s been blowing off her emergency cases! Oh Ann, what do you want with Baby?! Soon enough it’s full-on Ann/Baby obsession. She even starts baby-talking him! It eventually gets so creepy that even the mother wants her away from her kid. I mean, if a woman who uses a cattle prod on her kid thinks YOU’RE too creepy to be around her child, then guess what? I got some bad news for you.
But Ann’s no dummy, she plays her cards right and eventually finds herself at Baby’s birthday party. Here’s where we meet some of Baby’s extended family. These people are such dirtballs they look like Manson Family rejects! Charlie took one look at the incestuous uncle and said, “Whoa dude, you’re a little too heavy for me, man.”
Back to Ann. She may be good at playing her cards (and apparently darts), but she lacks the common sense to never leave your drink unattended in a house full of lecherous sleazebags and the three women who hate you. Ann is, of course, drugged and tied-up in the back room, and it’s around this time in the film that I started to wonder: What exactly is that growth on Ann’s lip? I mean, seriously, is it contagious? Herpes? Was it just really hot that day? Perhaps she was stressed? I mean, being drugged and tied-up can be pretty stressful.
From here the film takes a severe twist. I would not dare divulge the remainder of the film to you. I wouldn’t want to kill the surprises for you, and trust me, there are plenty of surprises left in this beast.
Severin did an amazing job transferring this Ted Post (MAGNUM FORCE) Masterpiece from the original negative. It’s an utterly bizarre film, and is truly a must-see for all fans of the twisted, demented underbelly of SINema!
On a scale of 0 to OMG WTF?! This scores a
perfect BATSHIT CRAZY!
So grab your most disturbed, demented, and downright dangerous friends, track this Baby down and enjoy the shit out of it!
Drink up! We’ve got movies to watch!
Moe
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