THE DG 8-BALL: VOLUME FOUR

Hello Bastards.

 

The Creeper has many talents, and I’m not just talking about how I’m a walking IMDB regarding the films of Kira Reed.

 

I’m also a goddamn psychic.

 

The DG 8-Ball is a forum that allows me to gaze into the future…of potential cinematic trash. All release dates are tentative, but all my opinions are FACT.

 

 

THE MUPPETS drops on 11/23. This is a passion project for actor Jason Segel (um, what?) and he’s confident this’ll be THE GREATEST MUPPET MOVIE EVER (at least that was the original title). Now, I’m not completely insensitive, my fellow Bastards. I grew up loving the Muppets, but the trailers leave me a little cold (that, and I should probably pay my utility bills). I’m just tired of self-aware, pop-culture laden kiddie fare. Children don’t give a fuck about irony.

 

Of course, there’s a chance this might work. I’m hoping it does. Decent family flicks are hard to come by in theaters, and my daughter loves going to the movies (mostly for the expensive fucking popcorn).

 

It couldn’t be any worse than ALPHA AND OMEGA. Wait…can it?

 

By the way, Amy Adams is incredibly hot.

 

 

VERDICT: Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

 

 

MELANCHOLIA drops on 11/8 – at least in real cities like New York and Los Angeles. Director and Controversy Magnet Lars von Trier recently came under scrutiny for claiming he was a Nazi. Who fucking cares? I find it hard to take anyone seriously that voluntarily sports a beret. At least I’m assuming he sports a beret. Isn’t that a prerequisite for pretentious Hollywood folks? At any rate, von Trier is a mixed bag. He’s incredibly talented, but also keeps his (beret-sporting) head firmly up his rectum.

 

I like the idea of a woman going crazy right as the world’s about to end. I also like the idea of Kirsten Dunst nude. But artsy crap usually doesn’t do much for me. This could go either way, Bastards.

 

No word yet if Dunst chops off her labia with scissors.

 

Verdict: Er…I dunno.

 

 

THE DESCENDANTS drops on 11/18. Sadly, it’s not about coffee, Milo, or suburban homes. Instead, the plot revolves around HOT LAND-DEVELOPING ACTION! Hollywood has finally met America’s demands.

 

Alexandre Payne has done some decent flicks, like SIDEWAYS and ELECTION, but he’s also responsible for Kathy Bates getting naked in ABOUT SCHMIDT. Consumers beware…

 

George Clooney stars, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s instantly negated by Matthew Lillard co-starring. Seriously, who in their right mind casts Shaggy?

 

Early word is positive, but so is my test for genital warts.

 

VERDICT: CRAP.

 

 

HUGO drops on 11/23. Usually, fantastic adventure films for children just aren’t my thing (SALO being the rare exception). This flick, however, is directed by Martin Scorsese. I know the man’s not infallible, but with movies like MEAN STREETS, GOODFELLAS, and ROADHOUSE under his belt, I give him a lot of leeway.

 

Apparently, some kid finds a key that opens a box and he’s chased into Narnia by Borat. I only saw the trailer once. I was also drunk and had fallen through the coffee table.

 

The flick will also be in 3D. Goddamnit, Marty.

 

VERDICT: Check it out. In 2D.

 

 

TWILIGHT: BREAKING RED DAWN: PART 1: THE PHANTOM ANUS drops on 11/18 (like you didn’t know). In total, I’ve probably seen about 25 minutes of all the movies combined and haven’t read any of the books, which, of course, makes me an authority on the franchise.

 

Silly characters and bad narrative aside, the TWILIGHT films are shining (sparkling?) examples of mediocre filmmaking. They look cheap, feature awful performances, and don’t star Kari Wuhrer.

 

 

On a positive note, Ashley Greene is really hot as Alice, the Albino Chupacabra Yalloglanchie with a Heart of Gold. But again, she’s no Kari Wuhrer.

 

Bill Condon also directed GODS AND MONSTERS. Just watch that instead.

 

VERDICT: TEAM JACOB.

 

Well, that didn’t go very well. Hopefully our next course can be choked down a bit easier.

 

Let’s cleanse the palate, shall we?

 

 
 
 

 
 
 

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