Hello Bastards.
The Creeper has many talents, and I’m not just talking about how I can draw a caricature of your mom’s naked body from memory.
I’m also a goddamn psychic.
The DG 8-Ball is a forum that allows me to gaze into the future…of potential cinematic trash. All release dates are tentative, but all my opinions are FACT.
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 drops on 10/21. The first two weren’t remotely scary, but they did feature the biggest douche ever committed to celluloid – Micah, the boyfriend. The actor who portrayed said douche – named, oddly enough, Micah – is not listed in the cast for this sequel, so what’s the point in checking it out?
However, both films prominently feature Katie’s triumphant rack, the second even more than the first. So that’s a plus, I guess. However, if PA3 follows the trend of its predecessors, you know nothing is going happen until the last ten minutes, then some stupid bitch will be spirited away by an invisible force (effects courtesy of Ator and CAVE DWELLERS).
Simulated triumphant rack – for educational purposes only!
Honestly, no rack is triumphant enough to justify sitting through 90 minutes of bad dialogue and unlikeable characters to reach such an anticlimactic finale.
Fuck that noise.
VERDICT: CRAP
ANONYMOUS drops on 10/28. Roland Emmerich, director of INDEPENDENCE DAY, 2012, UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, 10,000 BC, and THE INDEPENDENCE DAY AFTER TOMORROW takes the next logical step in his career as an important filmmaker – he’s gonna tackle the Bard. Sure! Why the hell not?
Apparently, the tale revolves around whether or not William Shakespeare actually wrote the literature that made him the bane of English students around the world. The subject, if handled correctly, could lead to intelligent discourse.
Sadly, we are talking about Roland Emmerich.
I expect at least one scene of Shakes jumping from a cathedral tower as it erupts into an implausible ball of fiery glory. Preferably, The Fresh Prince will be rapping in the background.
A Midsummer-summer-summer Night’s Dream.
Or something.
VERDICT: (EPIC) CRAP
TOWER HEIST drops on 11/4, and it’s helmed by G’s favorite director, Brett Ratner – or, as the DG boss calls him, “My brother from another mother, B-Ratt.”
The story is exactly as the title implies: Ben Stiller and his wacky band of bandits attempt to pull one over on Hawkeye in his palatial estate. Stiller plays the uptight leader of the misfit crew, and Eddie Murphy plays a tough-talkin’, wise-crackin’ ex-con who supplies street cred to the operation. Both characters are radical departures for these daring thespians.
Shame on Alan Alda. Have you blown all the royalties from M.A.S.H. on smack?
VERDICT: FUCK YOU EDDIE MURPHY!
JACK AND JILL drops on 11/11.
Not a fucking chance.
VERDICT: CRAP.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YdFUYAASTY
On 12/21, Steven Spielberg drops a huge lump of coal in your stocking called THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN. Apparently, Steve hasn’t seen POLAR EXPRESS or A CHRISTMAS CAROL starring Ace Ventura. No, just like Lucas and Zemeckis, he must embrace half-assed technology – STORY BE DAMNED!
Of course, I could be wrong. I honestly think Spielberg’s well of creativity is almost dry, but he is nonetheless a talented motherfucker. He could pull a rabbit out of his hat. Or maybe a badger out of his ass.
I don’t know, Bastards. Between digitally-rendered people, piss-poor 3-D, and Sam Worthington, I’ve grown tired of the “advances” in contemporary cinema. Just come up with a semi-original idea, film it in two dimensions, cast it with human beings, and roll that bad boy to theaters.
A few shotgun blasts to the head and some non-CGI boobies wouldn’t hurt, either.
VERDICT: The fuck if I know.
PUSS IN BOOTS drops on 11/4. I feel it is my duty as a father to inform you Bastards that the next installment (sequel, spinoff, whatthefuckever) of the SHREK series will suck serious ass. The first was a slick, soulless pieces of crass mainstream drivel, but at least it was watchable. The only thing that changed in the sequels was the watchability.
This flick will retread all the heartwarming wackiness us idiots ate up in SHREK. They will make a ton of wink-wink pop culture references. They’ll use voice actors with famous names and nondescript voices. And last but not least, there will be a huge dance number at the end.
That’s right. Another uninspired animated turdburger that will end with a fucking dance number. Heaven forbid Dreamworks is forced to come up with a legitimate conclusion.
VERDICT: SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU EDDIE MURPHY!
And with that, another DG 8-Ball swirls down the shitter – a downbeat, to be sure.
I don’t make the movies, Bastards. I just ridicule them.
Let’s cleanse the palate, shall we?
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