The Creeper has many talents, and I’m not just talking about how I can bounce on a Pogo Ball while reciting the dialogue from ROADHOUSE in its entirety.
I’m also a goddamn psychic.
The DG 8-Ball is a forum that allows me to gaze into the future…of potential cinematic trash. All release dates are tentative, but all my opinions are FACT.
On 10/7 drops REAL STEEL, starring Hugh Jackman and the annoying kid from THE PHANTOM MENACE. I like Wolverine, especially on the rare occasion he actually takes a good role. This movie, however, looks pretty fucking lame. Hugh plays a down-and-out boxer trying to carve his niche in a cruel, cruel world. To further complicate matters, Jackman reunites with his son, a sparring robot left for dead in a local junkyard. Together they overcome life’s obstacles and become closer as father and robot son – all to the strains of “Meet Me Halfway.”
The director, Shawn Levy, is best known for the NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM series. Enough said.
The prequel to THE THING (cleverly entitled: THE THING) drops on 10/14. Everyone knows that John Carpenter’s original, starring the inimitable Kurt Russell, sucks donkey baunch*. Thank God they’re taking another stab at the material with a new director (who has way too many vowels in his name) and the screenwriter from “Battlestar Galactica.” Nerds love them some “Battlestar Galactica.” Then again, they also love WILLOW, so take anything nerds say with a grain of salt. And while you’re at it, take their lunch money, too.
It also doesn’t hurt that THE THING features the super-hot Mary Elizabeth Winstead.
VERDICT: What can I say? So far, the flick looks good.
A DANGEROUS METHOD drops on 11/23. Director David Cronenberg returns, helming a psychological drama starring Viggo Mortensen as Sigmund Freud and Michael Fassbender as Carl Jung. It doesn’t get more psychological than that, I reckon.
The Creeper loves Cronenberg, Mortensen, and Fassbender – Keira Knightley, however, not so much. Hopefully she’ll have a vagina that accepts VHS.
VERDICT: Definite potential.
TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY, the sequel to BUTCHER, BAKER, CANDLESTICK MAKER, drops on 12/9. This espionage thriller stars Gary Oldman (badass), Tom Hardy (badass), and Colin Firth (not exactly badass, per se, but a good actor nonetheless). The director, Tomas Alfredson, is best known for LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. If you haven’t seen that flick yet, take a break from the 8-Ball and have Mama spank your lily-white ass. It’s an awesome take on both the vampire genre, as well as the androgynous Scandinavian kid genre.
VERDICT: ANOTHER good one, Bastards!
SHERLOCK HOLMES MEETS TOOTSIE drops on 12/16. Not only is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle spinning in his grave, but so is Judy Blume, who (a) has nothing to do with Sherlock Holmes, and (b) is not even dead yet. The trailer looks every shade of retarded: slow-motion explosions, more Holmes-fu, and the final nail in the coffin, Robert Downey Jr. dressed in drag. Kooky, right? Wrong.
I put Guy Ritchie about one step above Brett Ratner. Then again, I also put chili-cheese shits about one step above Brett Ratner.
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO drops on 12/21. Yeah, another remake. But it’s directed by David Fincher, who can be pretty fucking tough, assuming he’s not making a goddamn movie about Facebook. I’ve also been a big Daniel Craig fan since CASINO ROYALE, assuming he’s not playing a goddamn cowboy fighting aliens. Rooney Mara is a bit of a wild card, but she does have (fake) tats, and even gets naked in the poster, so let’s give her a pass.
The trailer is one of the best in rotation these days. And for the record, HAPPY FEET 2 is one of the worst.
VERDICT: Looking solid.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL drops around 12/21. This is a pretty slick series. Not great, but usually competent. It pisses me off that John Woo directed the worst installment. Tom Cruise is serviceable, but I’m more looking forward to another stellar performance from Jeremy Renner. I’ve been a fan since (the somewhat overrated) HURT LOCKER, and a gritty performance in (the stupidly entitled) THE TOWN. That said, it looks like Renner has a role in every other movie from November on, so I may hate his ass come the end of the Mayan Calendar.
Of particular interest is the director, Brad Bird, the brain behind such classics as THE IRON GIANT, THE INCREDIBLES, and “Do the Bartman.” So, needless to say, the franchise is in good hands. I’m just curious to see how his expertise in animation translates to live action.
VERDICT: Worth a shot.
Last, but certainly least, we have I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT, which drops (deuce) around 9/16. Now, this isn’t the usual tripe we feature on the 8-Ball, but it was specifically requested by Poe, a DG Head Honcho and #2 Sarah Jessica Parker Mega-Fan (second only to Ferris Bueller). Honestly, I don’t think this piece of shit could surpass SEX AND THE CITY 2 in terms of faux feminism, blatant racism, plastic surgery nightmares, and skanky-ass whores, but they can give it the ole college try.
Just read the title and you know the drill: Hard-working Mom in the big, bad city; struggling to move up in a male-centric, cutthroat business office; struggling to raise her children right (you can tell she’s an awesome Mom from a shot of her reading a bedtime story); and struggling to keep her marriage with Greg Kinnear afloat (I’m sure he plays an oblivious douche who doesn’t understand and/or appreciate SJP).
The Creeper has no problem with sistas doin’ it for themselves, but I have a hard time mustering any sympathy for rich, self-righteous white people who, between Tea Time and Yacht-Rocking, fret about their lot in life.
I can’t think of one reason to watch this skullfuckery. On second thought, I can think of two…
VERDICT: FUCK YOU, BARBARA STREISAND!
And on that note, we wrap up the second edition of DG 8-Ball. Definitely a more positive slant this round, but that’s to be expected. I’m one happy go-lucky motherfucker.
Let’s cleanse the palate, shall we?
* I’m kidding. Don’t get your panties in a baunch.
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