I don’t know what you call this thing, but it isn’t “a movie.” CITIZEN KANE, that’s a movie. CASABLANCA, that’s a movie. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, that’s a goddamned movie. This thing… This is a bukkake party of intellectual properties (IP), but that’s not a movie. Also, don’t look up “bukkake.” Guarantee you Ryan Reynolds knows what that is, but I wish that I didn’t. It’s disgusting. So — ultimately, despite any temporary pleasures it may offer — is DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE. Which I keep wanting to call DEADPOOL VS. WOLVERINE. I’m subconsciously trying to make it just a little more interesting.
If you wanted me to like this movie, you wouldn’t have kicked it off with a song by fucking NSYNC. I hated NSYNC when I was twenty and I’m more than twice as old now. I promise you I didn’t learn to ironically love NSYNC over the last twenty-something years. Maybe I’m old and cranky. But it’s not like I am one of those toxic-masculinity guys who automatically hates boy bands. New Edition was awesome. One Direction was tolerable. BTS is pretty damn hard to hate. Does the Highwaymen count as a boy band? Because they were incredible. NSYNC sucks shit, and its unwarranted success stuck us with Justin Timberlake for life, so thanks a lot for that, dipshits.
And believe me, star/co-writer/co-producer Ryan Reynolds did want me to like this thing. He wants everyone to like this thing. He and his co-star Hugh Jackman went on a promotional tour to sell this thing that lasted for what felt like three years. They went on all the late-night shows, and all the daytime talk shows, and all the YouTube shows where they ate Buffalo wings and charmed the pants off everyone. Bad news, boys, you can’t please everyone all the time. I didn’t even unbuckle my belt. DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE made literally a billion dollars so I recognize I’m in the minority. And I’ve got to admit, I couldn’t thoroughly hate this thing as a viewing experience. It may not sound like it, but I like Ryan Reynolds just fine. I like Hugh Jackman. They’re both very talented actors, especially Jackman, and obviously charming. And sure, it’s nice that they’re friends in real life, although only recently did I learn that Hugh Jackman is also friends with Rupert Murdoch, and now I can’t pretend I don’t know that. At a certain point as an A-lister, you can afford to not be friends with monsters, I would think. At a certain point, who your friends are say something about who you are.
Then again, maybe Jackman being friends with the owner of everything Fox is how Reynolds was able to get hold of the IP cache held by the now-defunct Fox Studios. Was it worth it? Is DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE worth it?
To one-billion-dollars’ worth of moviegoers, the answer appears to be “Sure.” I saw plenty of “Greatest Comic-Book Movies Of All Time” lists amended this past July to include it by list-makers who I can only assume also have issues in their personal lives with premature ejaculation. Really? Would you really like to argue that this thing, whatever it is, will ultimately in the long-run carry as much pervasive influence as Tim Burton’s BATMAN or goes anywhere near the soulfulness of Sam Raimi’s SPIDER-MAN 2, to name just a couple? Understand that I am not telling you you’re wrong to love DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE. You’re not. I enjoyed several moments myself. It’s fine to love what you love. When you start ranking masturbatory piffle next to legitimate greatness, however, that is when I have to put a stop to it.
DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE is engineered to be fun. If I admit it has moments of wit in its banter, you will have to forgive me for saying it gets exhausting after a while, to say the least. I guess that’s baked into the enterprise, in that Ryan Reynolds’ Deadpool is supposed to be irritating to Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine and it’s supposed to be gratifying when he hits him in the face, but that gets exhausting too. DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE is over two hours long. It’s nine minutes longer than CITIZEN KANE and 26 minutes longer than CASABLANCA. Does DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE have more to say than either of those movies? Let’s take another angle: DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE is 29 minutes longer than BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA. Does anyone want to attempt to make the argument that DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE is more fun than BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA?
Be careful, now. This is Daily Grindhouse you’re on.
Ultimately, the argument about whether or not DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE is a quote-unquote “good movie” or if it’s a total mess storytelling-wise, with admitted pleasures that will quickly fade over time, is very easy to make. It comes down to this: Tell me what happened. Can you do that? In under five minutes? The great movies, even pretty much all of the bad ones, can be distilled into a description of the story they’re telling. CASABLANCA is about former lovers who reunite for a pivotal moment during World War II. CITIZEN KANE is about a fearsome media mogul, like Hugh Jackman’s friend Rupert Murdoch, whose one final word reveals volumes about his inner life. And BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA is about a big-mouthed trucker who does a favor for a friend and gets wrapped up in the underworld of San Francisco’s Chinatown.
Even outsider movies like John Waters’ PINK FLAMINGOS (“The Filthiest Person Alive” faces competition) or David Lynch’s LOST HIGHWAY (a jazz trumpeter descends into darkness and literally jumps into another life) have a sort of cinematic consistency that allows them to be described. Even absolutely awful movies, like MANOS (sinister cult corrupts nice family), BIRDEMIC (Hitchcock’s THE BIRDS, only cataclysmically inept), and GARBAGE PAIL KIDS: THE MOVIE (horrible baby creatures rampage through polite society), all have some strange internal logic that at least allows poor Leonard Maltin to encapsulate them within a paragraph.
Poor Leonard Maltin.
Can you do that with DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE?
If you’re one of those people who thinks it’s “one of the best comic-book movies ever,” you’ve probably long since closed out of this webpage. But just in case you’re still reading, I want you to try a little thought experiment: What happens in DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE? Don’t go cheating on me with Wikipedia. Let’s be honest here about our relationship.
The first DEADPOOL movie, which I liked, for the record, was about a mercenary who undergoes a mutation that allows him to heal any wounds, no matter how severe, and reconnects with the woman he loves. That one was directed by the talented VFX expert Tim Miller. The second DEADPOOL movie, which I also liked but didn’t write about, was about Wade Wilson protecting a kid with powers from a time-traveler named Cable. That one had room for the Juggernaut! It was directed by the talented stuntman-turned-action-filmmaker David Leitch. DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE, which I could not possibly summarize in a sentence, was directed by mega-producer Shawn Levy. You may notice I didn’t add complimentary adjectives there. The less said about the work here from Levy and his director of photography George Richmond, the better. Billion-dollar blockbusters don’t often come this visually uninspired and drab-looking. And we’ve never been further from the silent era, chronologically and spiritually, when films could tell entire stories almost entirely based on images. Just imagine trying to figure this one out with the sound turned off.
And now I will try to summarize DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE without looking at Wikipedia: Wade Wilson digs up the skeleton of Logan, aka Wolverine, who died at the end of the very fine movie LOGAN. (I assume we are agreed to be deep down the road already of SPOILERS.) Armored agents from what I think is called the Time Variance Authority show up suddenly, and Deadpool murders them all while dancing around to some shit-ass NSYNC song. The Time Variance Authority is an organization that exists outside of time and space. I believe this is a major part of the Disney+ series Loki, which I have not watched, so it means nothing to me. Deadpool meets Matthew MacFadyen from SUCCESSION, who I think was doing his regular accent here. He’s an agent with the TVA who tells Deadpool that every timeline has “an Anchor Being” and holy shit, my mind is wandering. From here, Deadpool travels through time looking for Wolverine so he can help him, but since that version from LOGAN is dead, he has to bounce around for a while, finding a version of Wolverine played by Henry Cavill, who has experience playing superheroes who kill. He doesn’t look as good as Jackman does in that Sally-from-Peanuts Wolverine hairdo. I liked the super-short Wolverine variant. I wished he would have stuck around longer. The best part of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER was when Chris Evans was hopping around as a CGI-abetted miniature. The Wolverine of DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE is a belligerent alcoholic who isn’t interested in helping Deadpool do whatever he needs to do, so they start hitting each other a lot. That’s pretty much how it goes: Deadpool and Wolverine hit each other, travel through time together, hit each other, and so on, for half an hour longer than BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA‘s running time. I promise I will wrap this up, but I’m going to take a break and watch BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA.
Okay, I’m back. Sorry. Just needed to cheer myself up.
I have a lot of comic-book-movie fans in my life. A lot of them loved DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE. I am not really interested in ruining anyone else’s good time. But here’s how those conversations go:
Them: “Did you see DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Them: “So funny.”
Me: “I guess, sure.”
Them: “Nicepool!”
Me: “Yeah.”
Them: “And the dog!”
Me: “Yeah.”
Them: “So funny.”
Me: “Okay.”
Them: “And Blade!”
Me: “All right, yeah, I liked seeing him.”
So let’s talk about the cameos. A lot was made in the run-up to the theatrical release of DEADPOOL AND WOLVERINE about the cameos. That has a lot to do with the first-weekend box office, I’m sure. A lot of people wanted to see who would pop up. A lot of people were thrilled by who did pop up.
I will absolutely admit that I bought a ticket to DEADPOOL AND WOLVERINE on opening weekend to see Wesley Snipes as Blade, in the role for probably the last time. And I was happy to see him up there. BLADE is, in point of fact, one of the great Comic-Book Movies. Outside of Richard Donner’s SUPERMAN and Burton’s BATMAN, I don’t think there’s another comic-book movie more responsible for showing how these sorts of characters could be moved from comic-book to movie. Obviously, I wish Kris Kristofferson as Whistler could have been up there with Wesley, especially since he’s no longer with us, but I’m also glad he didn’t have to be in any of those weird FURY ROAD scenes. I have to tell you that I legitimately can’t remember how Blade left the movie. There was a series of noisy battle scenes in which various recognizable characters died, but I don’t think he did. Maybe he just walked 0ff after he got to say his ice-skating line one more time.
The idea, again without checking Wikipedia for summaries, is that Deadpool and Wolverine end up in a sort of “Void” timeline that for some reason includes all the characters from the 20th Century Fox era of superhero movies. That’s why we get Chris Evans as Johnny Storm instead of Steve Rogers — admittedly a clever reveal, but the scenes that follow absolutely rob the Human Torch character of even a milli-fraction of the dignity afforded to Captain America, which is a really weird move, frankly, just as Marvel is about to relaunch the Fantastic Four.
That’s why we get Jennifer Garner as Elektra, despite the character having no significant connection to Deadpool, Wolverine, or the X-Men. It’s nice to see her, because it’s nice to see Jennifer Garner, but I don’t think anyone was looking for this version of Elektra to return.
That’s why we get Wesley back as Blade, although I don’t believe for a second that Blade would be hanging out in a cave with any of those people.
That’s why we get Channing Tatum as Gambit, even though he never appeared as Gambit in a movie before. Really this is a case of movie-star Make-A-Wish, since Tatum tried to get a Gambit movie made for years and couldn’t. Seems like an OK guy and I’m happy he got his wish, but I also feel like someone should have told him his big head looks kinda ridiculous in that narrow headgear.
Do you even understand how good-looking you have to be for people not to laugh when you dress up this way?
I was happy to see Aaron Stanford back as Pyro, since he’s so good in THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006) and especially in the TV series version of 12 Monkeys. He’s also absolutely wasted. Also wasted is Emma Corrin as Cassandra Nova, a new character to the X-Men film series and an absolutely insane screenwriting decision: How are you going to introduce a new character with connections to Charles Xavier, a character who is entirely absent from DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE? The movie needed a villain, so I guess Reynolds and his team of writers went to the comics and grabbed one at random. The actor is terrific, and it’s a shame there wasn’t a real movie built around this character.
It’s so strange that Wolverine is half the deal here and there is almost no connection to any X-Men character. Colossus (Stefan Kapi?i?) is in all three DEADPOOL movies, but there’s not even a wink or a nod to his history with Wolverine. Why should I care about any of what’s happening? Nobody on screen cares about each other. Our supposed heroes barely bat an eye when their allies are flayed to the bone. Deadpool keeps flirting with Wolverine, but I believe that is what kids today call “queerbaiting.” I’ll give Ryan Reynolds plenty of credit for getting away with three R-rated superhero movies, but Deadpool can murder like crazy and cuss like crazy and that’s it. It’s wearying to listen to gay overture after overture: There’s no doubt that he’s not gonna follow through, not while Rupert Murdoch is alive. DEADPOOL FUCKS WOLVERINE: Now, there’s a movie.
Just kiss already.
DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE is not a movie. It’s a triumph of networking, and I do believe networking is a skill. While I kind of hate that DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE has made him an A-list director, Shawn Levy clearly has that skill. Ryan Reynolds clearly has that skill. They got a ton of huge names into their project, they sold it beyond most measures of success, and they delighted many people in the process. I don’t think this is good for movies overall, as an art form or as a business, and it’s probably even bad for comic-book movies, but it’s not lost on me that people do love this movie. If I’ve been harsh here, it’s on these kinds of projects that treat characters like disposable action figures, because I’m the type that feels no action figure should be disposable.
I also think you can do something like this only once. There are plenty of solid critiques against the genre, but people come to these comic-book movies because they love the characters. Not the cameos. Not the potty words. It’s why seeing Tobey Maguire and to a lesser but still strong degree, Andrew Garfield in NO WAY HOME had such an impact. It’s why seeing Michael Keaton in THE FLASH was a kick, no matter how rotten the movie was. Channing Tatum as Gambit ultimately means nothing (to anyone but Channing Tatum) because it’s got no basis in the storytelling. It’s a celebrity pop-in. It’s fun, but what happens when the novelty wears off? Even DEADPOOL and DEADPOOL 2 did a better job of making me care. Will people revisit DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE in twenty years the way I still revisit BLADE? I doubt it. Of course, we may not even be here in twenty years, depending on how apocalyptic this timeline is, so maybe I ought to lighten up.
Either way, I’m sticking with the movies that are willing to make me invest in the imaginary action, that respect me enough to give me characters to invest in, rather than movie stars on a movie-star trip. I’m a comic-book fan. I’m a movie fan. I’m a comic-book movie fan. I’m even a fan of a boy band or two. But I wanted the Highwaymen, and you stuck me here with NSYNC. Bye-fucking-bye.
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Tags: Aaron Stanford, Brianna Hildebrand, channing tatum, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Dafne Keen, Deadpool, Dean Zimmerman, Emma Corrin, George Richmond, Henry Cavill, Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Garner, Jon Favreau, Karan Soni, Kevin Feige, Lauren Shuler Donner, Leslie Uggams, Lewis Tan, Marvel Comics, Matthew Macfadyen, Matthew McConaughey, Morena Baccarin, Movies, Movies Of The Damned, Nathan Fillion, Paul Wernick, Rhett Reese, Rob Delaney, Rob Simonsen, Ryan Reynolds, Shane Reid, Shawn Levy, Shioli Kutsuna, Stefan Kapi?i?, Tyler Mane, Wesley Snipes, Wolverine, Wunmi Mosaku, Zeb Wells
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