Welcome to the Daily Grindhouse Bizarro Oscars. This is our way of celebrating less conventional aspects of popular films, but even better, to spotlight those films we love that definitely won’t be recognized at the Academy Awards on Sunday night.
This is the Somethingth Annual Bizarros — an exact “annual” count is tricky since we skipped a year (although here’s 2014, 2016, 2017, and 2018) — but this one is by far our biggest yet, so without the traditional pomp and circumstance associated with such a solemn event, let’s get right to it.
Our contributors this year:
Remember, the one overriding principle of the Bizarro Oscars is that love of movies comes first above all. That said, we reserve the right to rag on stuff too. It’s all in good fun. Everyone is a winner here. The rules are malleable. Contributors were invited to add categories if they wanted to mention something that didn’t have its own categories. So if you get through reading this post and don’t see a movie you love mentioned, please pipe up in the comments! This is your Bizarros too. This is everyone’s Bizarros. Please enjoy.
BEST END CREDITS SEQUENCE
MUTANT BLAST [Cati Glidewell]
DOLEMITE IS MY NAME [Brett Gallman, Rob Dean]
BRIGHTBURN [Justin Yandell]
SHAZAM! [Jay Alary]
(Silvana meets Mr. Mind, the Golden Age Captain Marvel’s main villains coming together!)
UNCUT GEMS [Jason Coffman, Bill Bria]
ONE CUT OF THE DEAD [Melissa Kay]
KNIVES OUT [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
BOOKSMART [Shakyl Lambert]
UNCUT GEMS [Jon Abrams] I have such a long — and such a very stupid — story about my history with the song chosen to play over the end credits of this movie, and I was stunned and overjoyed to hear it kick in. Immaculately perfect soundtrack drop. In fact, why don’t you hit play and listen to it as you read the rest of this post?
BEST CLOSING SCENE
PARASITE [Paul Freitag-Fey]
ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Melissa Kay, John Rieber, Marisa Mirabal]
KNIVES OUT [John Reents]
MIDSOMMAR [Anya Stanley, Samantha Schorsch, Bill Bria, Claire Holland]
READY OR NOT [Shakyl Lambert, Terry Mesnard]
US [Jay Alary, Rob Dean]
ONE CUT OF THE DEAD [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
THE PERFECTION [Matt Wedge]
UNCUT GEMS [Justin Yandell, Brett Gallman]
THE LIGHTHOUSE [Jason Coffman]
MUTANT BLAST [Cati Glidewell]
BEST PERFORMANCE IN A BAD MOVIE
Babu Frik, STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER [Jason Coffman]
Richard Roundtree, SHAFT [Jon Abrams]
Michael Keaton, DUMBO [Joe Tonzelli]
Andrea Winter, BLOOD PARADISE [Cati Glidewell]
Sheri Moon Zombie, 3 FROM HELL [Brett Gallman]
Octavia Spencer, MA [Claire Holland, Justin Yandell]
Bryan Cranston, THE UPSIDE [Jay Alary]
Joaquin Phoenix, JOKER [Rob Dean, Shakyl Lambert, Samantha Schorsch]
Bill Hader, IT: CHAPTER TWO [Melissa Kay]
Patrick Wilson, IN THE TALL GRASS [Anya Stanley]
Ian McKellen, CATS [Sarah Jane]
Martin Lawrence, THE BEACH BUM [Matt Wedge]
Reid Miller, SANTA JAWS [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
Robert Patrick, TONE-DEAF [Stephanie Crawford]
WORST PERFORMANCE IN A GOOD MOVIE
Damien Lewis, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Rob Dean]
James McAvoy, IT: CHAPTER TWO [Jay Alary]
Robert De Niro, THE IRISHMAN [John Rieber]
(sorry, but he was glum, monosyllabic and used most of his old acting “ticks”)
Timothée Chalamet, LITTLE WOMEN [Sarah Jane]
Armie Hammer, WOUNDS [Mary Beth McAndrews]
(He’s like a stupid wall in an otherwise engaging movie!! Yes, I loved WOUNDS.)
Anna Paquin, THE IRISHMAN [Cati Glidewell]
Abigail Breslin, ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP [Samantha Schorsch]
BEST MOVIE YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T SEE
EXTRA ORDINARY [Stephanie Crawford]
KNIFE + HEART [Melissa Kay]
RED LETTER DAY [Jay Alary]
(The world needs more Canadian horror/comedies!)
BRAID [Claire Holland]
THE LAKE VAMPIRE [Cati Glidewell]
THE DEAD CENTER [Matt Wedge]
LONG SHOT [Marisa Mirabal]
AD ASTRA [Joe Tonzelli]
AVENGEMENT or THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE (tie) [Shakyl Lambert]
THE DEATH OF DICK LONG [Bill Bria]
GAME OVER (India, dir. Ashwin Saravanan) [Jason Coffman]
JOJO RABBIT [Samantha Schorsch]
CHAINED FOR LIFE [Paul Freitag-Fey]
HARPOON [Terry Mesnard, Jay Alary, Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
THE DEAD DON’T DIE [Brett Gallman]
IN FABRIC or I LOST MY BODY (tie) [Sarah Jane]
THE STANDOFF AT SPARROW CREEK [Jedidiah Ayres]
DANIEL ISN’T REAL [Anya Stanley]
AQUARELA [John Reents]
(Viktor Kosakovskiy’s stunningly photographed nature documentary about water, in its many forms.)
DEMENTER [Mary Beth McAndrews]
SWEETHEART [Rob Dean]
FURIE, the action smash from Vietnam, and MOPE, the indy dark comedy from the US that’s honestly darker than BOOGIE NIGHTS. [Jon Abrams]
BEST SCORE FROM A MOVIE YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T SEE
(OR JUST PLAIN BEST SCORE)
Bear McCreary, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Brett Gallman]
DRAGGED ACROSS CONCRETE [Jedidiah Ayres]
(Original songs written by Jeff Herriott & S. Craig Zahler and performed by old school R&B soul artists like The O’Jays, Butch Tavares. The songs sound like they were recorded in the ’70s or ’80s, but they are decidedly not hits. And they’re weird. They comment on the action or themes happening onscreen in kinda bizarre ways. And though they may maddeningly never quite get to a great chorus, once your attention has been brought to them, good luck getting them out of your head. They add a unique and super strange layer to the film.)
Daniel Lopatin, UNCUT GEMS [Justin Yandell, Bill Bria, Samantha Schorsch]
CLIMAX [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [John Rieber]
Michael Abels, US [Marisa Mirabal, Jay Alary]
Clark, DANIEL ISN’T REAL [Mary Beth McAndrews]
Hildur Guðnadóttir, JOKER [Cati Glidewell]
Michael Fimognari, FAST COLOR [Paul Freitag-Fey]
Bobby Krlic (aka The Haxan Cloak), MIDSOMMAR [Terry Mesnard]
Max Richter, AD ASTRA [Rob Dean]
Steve Moore, BLISS and VFW (tie) [Jason Coffman]
Jaeil Jung, PARASITE [Samantha Schorsch]
PIERCING [Claire Holland]
Emile Mosseri, THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO [Matt Wedge]
Joseph Bishara, THE PRODIGY [Anya Stanley]
Tom Holkenborg, TERMINATOR: DARK FATE. [Jon Abrams] This is almost literally the FURY ROAD score with the TERMINATOR 2 theme woven in, all coated with constant flamenco guitars for some reason, but none of that is a negative in my bookkeeping.
UGLIEST MOVIE
CLIMAX [Paul Freitag-Fey]
POSSUM [Cati Glidewell]
(It may be a 2018 movie but it sticks out more than any 2019 movie does.)
THE AMAZING JONATHAN DOCUMENTARY [Stephanie Crawford]
HELLBOY [Jason Coffman]
CATS [Samantha Schorsch, Sarah Jane, Justin Yandell, Shakyl Lambert]
POINT BLANK [Rob Dean]
THE LIGHTHOUSE [Joe Tonzelli]
THE NIGHTINGALE [Marisa Mirabal]
(On the premise of sexual assault, racism, & colonization. It’s a beautiful movie about an ugly part of history)
JOKER [John Rieber, Brett Gallman, John Reents, Jay Alary]
(A beautiful movie of a living hell of a Gotham City! — John Rieber)
(And it’s not because of a garbage strike — Jay Alary)
It’s JOKER. The movie makes a few decent points early on about the way America neglects people we should be helping and proceeds to flush it all away. And the toilet proceeds to overflow, and now there’s doodoo everywhere. [Jon Abrams]
PRETTIEST MOVIE
ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Sarah Jane, Brett Gallman, Claire Holland, Stephanie Crawford, Melissa Kay]
QUEEN & SLIM [Jason Coffman]
AQUARELA [John Reents]
SHADOW [Shakyl Lambert]
LITTLE WOMEN [John Rieber]
ROCKETMAN [Joe Tonzelli]
MIDSOMMAR [Terry Mesnard, Claire Holland, Justin Yandell, Anya Stanley, Samantha Schorsch, Jay Alary, Marisa Mirabal, Mary Beth McAndrews]
(Gorgeous cinematography from Pawel Pogorzelski — Marisa Mirabal)
THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO [Matt Wedge]
PARADISE HILLS [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
(Honorable Mention: IN FABRIC)
IN FABRIC [Rob Dean, Paul Freitag-Fey]
1917 [Cati Glidewell, Bill Bria]
DUMBEST MOVIE
POKÉMON DETECTIVE PIKACHU [Rob Dean]
PET GRAVEYARD [Terry Mesnard]
THE HAUNTING OF SHARON TATE [Claire Holland]
JOKER [John Reents, Justin Yandell, Jay Alary]
THE INTRUDER [Cati Glidewell, Brett Gallman]
VENGEANCE [Cati Glidewell]
6 UNDERGROUND [Shakyl Lambert]
SERENITY [Jedidiah Ayres, Matt Wedge]
IN THE TALL GRASS [Marisa Mirabal]
ELI [Mary Beth McAndrews]
(So stupid, but SO funny!)
CHARLIE’S ANGELS [Sarah Jane]
VEROTIKA [Samantha Schorsch]
POLAROID [Jason Coffman]
THE GRUDGE [Anya Stanley]
KNIVES OUT [John Rieber]
TERMINATOR: DARK FATE [Joe Tonzelli]
CATS [Jon Abrams]
BEST DUMB MOVIE
ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP [Justin Yandell]
BRIGHTBURN [Claire Holland]
UNDER THE SILVER LAKE [Melissa Kay]
GOOD BOYS [John Rieber]
DEAD DON’T DIE IN DALLAS [Stephanie Crawford]
MA [Marisa Mirabal]
VELVET BUZZSAW [Matt Wedge]
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM [Jay Alary, Joe Tonzelli]
(so many assassins killed in a CG-laden, blood-soaked ballet)
ANNABELLE COMES HOME [Joe Tonzelli]
FAST & FURIOUS PRESENTS: HOBBS & SHAW [Joe Tonzelli, Sarah Jane, Brett Gallman]
THE VELOCIPASTOR [Mary Beth McAndrews, Samantha Schorsch]
COUNTDOWN [Jason Coffman]
GRETA [Paul Freitag-Fey]
ISN’T IT ROMANTIC [Cati Glidewell]
ANGEL HAS FALLEN [Rob Dean]
WORST HERO
The Entire X-Men Team, DARK PHOENIX [Jay Alary]
Alita, ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL [Rob Dean]
Will Smiths, GEMINI MAN [Cati Glidewell]
Thanos, AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Justin Yandell]
Arthur Fleck, JOKER [Jason Coffman, Samantha Schorsch]
BEST VILLAIN
Ghidorah, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Mac Bell]
James (Julio Montenegro, Jr.), STRAIGHT EDGE KEGGER [Cati Glidewell]
Rose The Hat (Rebecca Ferguson), DOCTOR SLEEP [John Rieber, Rob Dean, Cati Glidewell, Marisa Mirabal, Bill Bria, John Reents]
The Red Dress, IN FABRIC [Melissa Kay]
Sue Ann (Octavia Spencer), MA [Joe Tonzelli]
The Seagull, THE LIGHTHOUSE [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi, Mary Beth McAndrews]
The Absentee Relief Guys, THE LIGHTHOUSE [Stephanie Crawford]
Anton (Steven Weber), THE PERFECTION [Matt Wedge]
Lupita Nyong’o, US [Samantha Schorsch, Claire Holland, Anya Stanley]
Moose (John Travolta), THE FANATIC [Jedidiah Ayres]
Time & Circumstance, LITTLE WOMEN [Jason Coffman]
Sensei (Alessandro Nivola), THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE [Paul Freitag-Fey]
Pennywise (Bill Skarsgård), IT: CHAPTER TWO [Jay Alary]
Christian (Jack Reynor), MIDSOMMAR [Terry Mesnard]
Thanos (Josh Brolin), AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Justin Yandell]
Thanos was so good, the only time they could whoop his ass was while jumping him while he was eating breakfast. And still technically lost. Hall of Fame-level career in two movies alone. [Shakyl Lambert]
Zero (Mark Dacascos), JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM [Brett Gallman]
BEST EVIL HENCHMAN
The Pale Lady (Mark Steger), SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK [Anya Stanley]
THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON Henchman [Cati Glidewell]
Henry Bowers (Teach Grant), IT: CHAPTER TWO [Jay Alary]
Snorky (Brandon Vraagom), THE BANANA SPLITS MOVIE [Stephanie Crawford]
Charles Manson (Damon Herriman), ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [John Rieber]
Pelle (Vilhelm Blomgrem), MIDSOMMAR [Marisa Mirabal]
Arnold (Eric Bogosian) and his crew, UNCUT GEMS [Melissa Kay]
Phil (Keith Williams Richards), UNCUT GEMS [Justin Yandell, Jedidiah Ayres]
Daniel (Adam Brody), READY OR NOT [Claire Holland]
Rodan, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Brett Gallman]
The Seagull, THE LIGHTHOUSE [Bill Bria]
Zero (Mark Dacascos), JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM [Jason Coffman]
Susan Estrich (Allison Janney), BOMBSHELL [Rob Dean]
Miss Luckmoore (Fatma Mohamed), IN FABRIC [Paul Freitag-Fey]
BEST HORROR-MOVIE MASK
Rotface in THE FURIES [Terry Mesnard]
Black Gloves and Grey Gloves, DRAGGED ACROSS CONCRETE [Jedidiah Ayres]
INTO THE DARK: MIDNIGHT KISS [Jason Coffman]
The Masked Killer, KNIFE + HEART [Jay Alary]
HAPPY DEATHDAY 2U [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi, Bill Bria, Melissa Kay]
TRICK [Jon Abrams]
“Skin the Fool” face, MIDSOMMAR [Anya Stanley]
The Villains, HAUNT [Claire Holland]
Humanity, US [Paul Freitag-Fey]
US [John Rieber]
Pluto (Evan Alex), US [Samantha Schorsch, Rob Dean]
I SEE YOU [Mary Beth McAndrews]
BRIGHTBURN [Justin Yandell, Cati Glidewell, Brett Gallman]
Harold, SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK [Joe Tonzelli]
BEST GIANT MONSTER
Disney [Justin Yandell]
The VelociPastor, THE VELOCIPASTOR [Cati Glidewell]
Godzilla, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Melissa Kay, Jay Alary, Samantha Schorsch, Sarah Jane, Mac Bell]
Mothra, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Stephanie Crawford, Jon Abrams, Mary Beth McAndrews]
King Ghidorah, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Brett Gallman, Shakyl Lambert]
Bureaucracy, Chernobyl [Jason Coffman]
Pale Lady (Mark Steger), SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK [Claire Holland]
Alligators, CRAWL [Joe Tonzelli]
Cthulhu, UNDERWATER [Anya Stanley]
SWEETHEART [Jedidiah Ayres, Marisa Mirabal, Rob Dean]
Capitalism, PARASITE [Bill Bria]
BEST WEREWOLF
ANNABELLE COMES HOME [Brett Gallman]
“Bad Wolf Down,” Creepshow [Anya Stanley]
Dougie (Ro Manning), What We Do In the Shadows [Jay Alary]
(The Caribbean-Canadian werewolf from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Because Saskatchewan, naturally.)
GOOD MANNERS [Rob Dean]
AMONG THE SHADOWS, only for giving me the idea of Lindsay Lohan as a werewolf, which doesn’t happen in the actual movie, be forewarned. [Jon Abrams]
BEST VAMPIRE
Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch), What We Do In The Shadows [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
Laszlo (Matt Berry), What We Do In The Shadows [Melissa Kay]
Staten Island Vampires, What We Do In The Shadows [Jay Alary]
Dracula (Claes Bang), Dracula [Anya Stanley]
BLISS [Cati Glidewell, Samantha Schorsch]
Dezzy (Dora Madison), BLISS [Terry Mesnard, Mary Beth McAndrews, Claire Holland]
Rose The Hat (Rebecca Ferguson), DOCTOR SLEEP [Brett Gallman, Rob Dean]
BEST SKELETON
Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid), STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER [Jay Alary]
SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK [Cati Glidewell]
THE HEAD HUNTER [Rob Dean]
Arthur Fleck (Joaquin Phoenix), JOKER [John Rieber]
The Overlook Hotel, DOCTOR SLEEP [Melissa Kay]
BEST SUPERHERO COSTUME
Valkyrie, AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Jon Abrams] When she shows up in the end of THOR: RAGNAROK in that shitkicking white armor, I said “Whoa.” And when she shows up in ENDGAME in that shitkicking white armor, I again said “Whoa.”
Shazam, SHAZAM! [Justin Yandell, Jason Coffman, Brett Gallman, Paul Freitag-Fey, Jay Alary]
(His glowing lightning bolt insignia—magical indeed! — Jay Alary)
Red Cardigan, A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD [Bill Bria]
Captain America, AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Cati Glidewell]
Cliff Booth’s Aloha Shirt, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Mac Bell]
John Wick, JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM [Melissa Kay]
Night Monkey/Stealth Suit, SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME [Rob Dean, Shakyl Lambert]
Barry’s ski mask/goggles combo, Barry [Anya Stanley]
SUPERHERO TEAM-UP OF THE YEAR
They don’t make words to describe the happiness I felt every time this match-making victory came up on screen during HORROR NOIRE. We need all-new, bigger words, words that can play music and shoot off fireworks. [Jon Abrams]
BEST CHARACTER ACTOR
Cardi B (in HUSTLERS) [Melissa Kay]
Robert Forster (in EL CAMINO) [Shakyl Lambert]
Orlando Jones (in American Gods) [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
A.J. Bowen (in I TRAPPED THE DEVIL) [Joe Tonzelli]
Larry Fessenden (in THE DEAD DON’T DIE) [Brett Gallman]
Willem Dafoe (in THE LIGHTHOUSE) [Claire Holland, Samantha Schorsch]
Tracy Letts (in LITTLE WOMEN and FORD V FERRARI) [Rob Dean]
John Travolta [Stephanie Crawford]
Mothra [Mac Bell]
Barry Pepper (in CRAWL) [Anya Stanley]
John Hawkes [Cati Glidewell]
Da’Vine Joy Randolph (in DOLEMITE IS MY NAME) [Jay Alary]
Spencer Garrett, as Allen Kincade in ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD. [Jon Abrams] He plays the guy interviewing Rick and Cliff in the beginning of the movie. He also plays Sean Hannity in BOMBSHELL, which I haven’t seen yet but will probably see just for him doing that part. On TV in 2019 Spencer Garrett played roles as wide-ranging as a Republican senator and a genuinely-devout pastor. He can play venality as believably as kindness, bureaucracy as well as enthusiasm. American movies always need actors like this and they used to have many more of these sorts of players than they do now, guys with enough presence to go toe-to-toe with any star playing against him but with enough adeptness to blend in with a scene, to the point that if you recognize him at all, it’s to go “Hm, I know that guy from somewhere…” It’s a rare art these days.
BEST EXTRA
Background shoppers during climax, IN FABRIC [Rob Dean]
Various background assassins, JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM [Jay Alary]
Neighbor 33F (John Amos), UNCUT GEMS. [Jon Abrams] Tough category! Narrowly edged out ‘Auction Manager’ and ‘Boston Player Personnel,’ both in the same film.
BEST DESERVES-HER-OWN-MOVIE CHARACTER
Mothra, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Samantha Schorsch]
Madison (Zoey Deutch), ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP [Bill Bria, Justin Yandell]
Danica Ross (Rebecca Romijn), SATANIC PANIC [Mary Beth McAndrews]
(I want to see her become a Satan worshipping coven leader so bad.)
Dani (Florence Pugh), MIDSOMMAR [John Rieber]
Sharon Tate (Margot Robbie), ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [John Reents]
(I would love to see Robbie star in a biopic of Sharon Tate that doesn’t focus on her death. A movie to remind us that she was a person, something Quentin Tarantino and Robbie did splendidly in ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD.)
Kim Ki-jung (Park So-Dam), PARASITE [Melissa Kay]
Gretchen (Toni Collette), VELVET BUZZSAW [Claire Holland]
Julie (Becky), FIRST LOVE [Jason Coffman]
Nao (Harumi Shuhama), ONE CUT OF THE DEAD [Rob Dean]
Sofia (Halle Berry), JOHN WICK 3: PARABELLUM [Joe Tonzelli]
Gigi (Billie Lourd), BOOKSMART [Paul Freitag-Fey, Shakyl Lambert]
Rey (Daisy Ridley), STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER [Jay Alary]
Zelda Winston (Tilda Swinton), THE DEAD DON’T DIE [Brett Gallman]
Babu Frik, STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER [Cati Glidewell]
MOST CINEMATIC SHITKICKERS IN ONE PLACE
TRIPLE THREAT [Jedidiah Ayres]
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM [Melissa Kay, Shakyl Lambert, Samantha Schorsch]
KNIVES OUT [Paul Freitag-Fey, Rob Dean]
DOLEMITE IS MY NAME [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi, Stephanie Crawford]
VFW [Sarah Jane, Jason Coffman]
AVENGERS: ENDGAME [John Rieber, Jay Alary, Bill Bria]
ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Anya Stanley, Justin Yandell]
BEST CATCHPHRASE
“I heard you paint houses.” — THE IRISHMAN [John Rieber]
“You’re Rick fucking Dalton.” — ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Melissa Kay]
“This is how I win.” — UNCUT GEMS [Bill Bria, Rob Dean]
“Dolemite is my name and fuckin up motherfuckers is my game.” — DOLEMITE IS MY NAME [Jedidiah Ayres]
“Don’t make me drink alone, don’t make me drink aloooone.” — MA [Anya Stanley]
“Holy shit, I’m gonna cum.” — UNCUT GEMS [Justin Yandell]
“Apex predator!” — CRAWL [Brett Gallman]
“The world is perfect. Appreciate the details.” — THE DEAD DON’T DIE [Jay Alary]
“I am Iron Man.” — AVENGERS: ENDGAME [John Reents]
“I have served. I will be of service.” — JOHN WICK 3: PARABELLUM [Joe Tonzelli]
BEST OUGHT-TO-BE-A-CATCHPHRASE
“Pity is worse than a fist in the face.” — SERENITY [Jay Alary]
“This is how I win.” — UNCUT GEMS [Justin Yandell]
“I’m as real as a donut, motherfucker.” — ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Brett Gallman]
“They call me Frankie Mermaids cuz I’m swimmin’ in bitches.” — THE VELOCIPASTOR [Cati Glidewell]
That weird-ass breathing thing — MIDSOMMAR [Anya Stanley]
“I’m the devil and I’m here to do some devil shit.” — ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Rob Dean]
“Time to float!” — IT: CHAPTER TWO [John Rieber]
“Parley?,” JOHN WICK 3: PARABELLUM [Joe Tonzelli]
“I am the rules.” — SERENITY [Shakyl Lambert] That line needs to be used to settle arguments at game nights all over the world.
”Poof!” — Macavity, Idris Elba (CATS). [Jon Abrams] Did he really even say that? Was I hallucinating?
BEST LINE, IN CONTEXT
“Ghouls.” — THE DEAD DON’T DIE [Brett Gallman]
“This is how I win.” — UNCUT GEMS [Anya Stanley]
”I believe that if everyone sees what just a few people become when they wholly embrace their gifts, others will awaken. Belief in oneself is contagious.” — GLASS [Jay Alary]
“On your left.” — AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Rob Dean]
“CSI: KFC?” — KNIVES OUT [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
“We’re Americans.” — US [Samantha Schorsch]
“What did they do in Pulp Fiction?” “Call Anthony Kiedis.” —THE DEATH OF DICK LONG [Jedidiah Ayres]
“I decided I don’t want kids.” — GOOD BOYS [Shakyl Lambert]
“Rick, would you like to come up to the house for a drink and meet my other friends?” — ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Melissa Kay]
BEST LINE IN OR OUT OF CONTEXT
“Why’d ya spill yer beans!” — THE LIGHTHOUSE [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
“When you come to the end of the line, with a buddy who is more than a brother and a little less than a wife, getting blind drunk together is really the only way to say farewell.” — ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Jay Alary]
“And what did the Nazi Boy masturbating in the bathroom overhear?!” — KNIVES OUT [Rob Dean]
“Hey! Dennis Hopper! Move this fucking piece of shit!” — ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Anya Stanley]
“Doesn’t money make you horny?” — HUSTLERS [Jedidiah Ayres]
“Fucking rich people.” — READY OR NOT [Shakyl Lambert]
“Rudy continued fucking up motherfuckers until the day he died.” — DOLEMITE IS MY NAME [Brett Gallman]
“I spoke in the car about the hole at the center of this donut. And yes, what you and Harlan did that fateful night seems at first glance to fill that hole perfectly. A donut hole in the donut’s hole. But we must look a little closer. And when we do, we see that the donut hole has a hole in its center – it is not a donut hole at all but a smaller donut with its own hole, and our donut is not a hole at all!” — KNIVES OUT [Samantha Schorsch]
BEST 2019 NICOLAS CAGE MOVIE
BETWEEN WORLDS [Jedidiah Ayres, Claire Holland]
COLOR OUT OF SPACE [Stephanie Crawford, John Reents, Terry Mesnard, Samantha Schorsch, Rob Dean, Anya Stanley, Justin Yandell, John Rieber, Marisa Mirabal, Bill Bria, Jay Alary, Mary Beth McAndrews, Melissa Kay, Jason Coffman, Joe Tonzelli]
A SCORE TO SETTLE [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL [Cati Glidewell]
PRIMAL [Jon Abrams] It’s the only one where Cage punches a jaguar in the face and is frenemies with a parrot.
BEST FIGHT
THE LIGHTHOUSE [Paul Freitag-Fey]
All of the fights in THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE [Stephanie Crawford]
(The clumsy, mean, hyper-masculinity of them all.)
All of the fights in THE VELOCIPASTOR [Cati Glidewell]
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 — PARABELLUM [Marisa Mirabal, Brett Gallman, Samantha Schorsch, Justin Yandell]
Glass Room Fight, JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 — PARABELLUM [Anya Stanley]
Knife fight, JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 — PARABELLUM [Shakyl Lambert, Joe Tonzelli, Jedidiah Ayres]
(The addition of slapstick to the “Harry Potter with Hitmen” action franchise is very fucking welcome. JA.)
The Dog Fight, JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 — PARABELLUM [Jason Coffman, Melissa Kay]
The Continental Three-On-One, JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 — PARABELLUM [Bill Bria]
Godzilla vs. Ghidorah, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Mac Bell]
The Whole Movie, PIERCING [Claire Holland]
The battle between England and France (led by Robert Pattinson), THE KING [Jay Alary]
Assembled, AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Rob Dean]
ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Sarah Jane, John Rieber]
Anything in GUNS AKIMBO [Mary Beth McAndrews]
Jennyanydots (Rebel Wilson), Bustopher Jones (James Corden), and Gus (Sir Ian McKellen) versus Growltiger (Ray Winstone), CATS. [Jon Abrams] The fight choreography is tragically awkward, it all lasts not much more than a minute, nobody involved is ever going to be compared to Tony Jaa, and all of them are dressed like cats. That said, this is one of the funniest fight scenes of the past twenty years, on par with the Mystery Men assembling to beat up a limousine. I’m pretty sure it’s intended to be a rousing, fist-pumping hero moment in the context of the film, but… again, it’s Rebel Wilson, James Corden, and Sir Ian McKellen ganging up on Ray Winstone. And it only ends because he falls off a boat.
BEST CAR
The Ford Shelby, FORD V FERRARI [Samantha Schorsch]
FORD GT40, FORD V FERRARI [Brett Gallman, Rob Dean]
All of them, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Cati Glidewell, Jason Coffman, Sarah Jane]
1964 Karmann Ghia, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Jay Alary]
1950-1954 MG TD (The car Polanski drives), ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Anya Stanley]
Principal Brown’s Lyft, BOOKSMART [Bill Bria]
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 — PARABELLUM [John Rieber, Melissa Kay]
Idris Elba’s super-motorcycle from HOBBS & SHAW [Shakyl Lambert]
BEST CAR CHASE
6 UNDERGROUND [Cati Glidewell]
The 20-minute “fuck-you” towards general human life that is the opening of 6 UNDERGROUND [Shakyl Lambert]
KNIVES OUT [Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi, Samantha Schorsch, John Reents]
TERMINATOR: DARK FATE [Justin Yandell, Brett Gallman]
Minivan Escape, US [Rob Dean]
FORD V FERRARI [Bill Bria]
John Wick on a Horse, JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 — PARABELLUM [Melissa Kay, John Rieber, Joe Tonzelli]
BEST DOG
Pico the Pitbull, STUBER [Jedidiah Ayres]
Brandy (Sayuri), ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Matt Wedge, Melissa Kay, Jay Alary, Anya Stanley, Cati Glidewell, Marisa Mirabal, Jason Coffman]
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 — PARABELLUM [John Rieber, Brett Gallman, Samantha Schorsch, Joe Tonzelli]
Sugar (Cso-Cso), CRAWL [Rob Dean, Claire Holland, Shakyl Lambert]
All of them. [Sarah Jane]
BEST AMERICAN
Richard Roundtree, SHAFT [Jon Abrams]
Ramona (Jennifer Lopez), HUSTLERS [Jason Coffman]
Captain America (Chris Evans), AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Cati Glidewell]
Captain America’s Butt (Chris Evans’ Butt), AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Rob Dean]
Jimmy Hoffa (Al Pacino), THE IRISHMAN [John Rieber]
Rudy Ray Moore (Eddie Murphy), DOLEMITE IS MY NAME [Mac Bell]
Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt), ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Melissa Kay]
Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio), ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Justin Yandell]
Quentin Tarantino, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Brett Gallman]
Mark (Will Poulter), MIDSOMMAR [Jay Alary]
(The loudmouth, ignorant American who visits Sweden with his friends and urinates on a sacred tree. It doesn’t end well.)
BEST CANADIAN
The Soska Sisters [Cati Glidewell]
Gigi Saul Guerrero [Jay Alary]
Seth Rogen [John Rieber, Marisa Mirabal]
(Mostly due to his sex positive and feminist role in LONG SHOT — Marisa Mirabal)
Keanu Reeves [Rob Dean, Brett Gallman, Melissa Kay]
BEST MEXICAN
Gigi Saul Guerrero [Cati Glidewell, Jay Alary]
(The joys of dual citizenship! – Jay Alary)
Emmanuel Ritter (Joaquín Cosio), BELZEBUTH [Samantha Schorsch]
TIGERS ARE NOT AFRAID [Paul Freitag-Fey]
Rodan, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Mac Bell]
BEST WORST MOVIE
ESCAPE ROOM [Marisa Mirabal]
TWISTED PAIR [Rob Dean]
SERENITY [Jedidiah Ayres, Shakyl Lambert, John Rieber]
ELI [Mary Beth McAndrews]
GLASS [Jay Alary]
47 METERS DOWN: UNCAGED [Claire Holland]
THE VELOCIPASTOR [Samantha Schorsch]
VEROTIKA [Joe Tonzelli]
CATS [John Reents]
WORST BEST MOVIE
CATS [John Reents]
1917 [Brett Gallman]
GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Samantha Schorsch]
ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD [Joe Tonzelli]
TRIPLE FRONTIER [Jedidiah Ayres]
JOJO RABBIT [Shakyl Lambert]
THE IRISHMAN [John Rieber, Cati Glidewell]
JOKER [Sarah Jane, Marisa Mirabal, Rob Dean, Melissa Kay, Jay Alary, Mary Beth McAndrews]
(Director Phillips apes Scorsese’s TAXI DRIVER and KING OF COMEDY, but fails to understand the nuances that made those films successful. I also didn’t need to see the murder of Bruce Wayne’s parents for the UMPTEENTH time. — Jay Alary)
(It bad. — Mary Beth McAndrews)
MOVIE OF THE DAMNED OF THE YEAR
A woman with special-ops training has to storm a mega-church that has been taken over by heavily-armed criminals, in order to rescue her daughter. That’s right, it’s faith-based DIE HARD. Honestly I was more excited to see this movie than two out of three Marvel movies in 2019, and more than all of the DC ones. My sporadic column at Daily Grindhouse, Movies Of The Damned, focuses on late-night deep dives I’ve taken that even the more weathered of cult-movie cinemaniacs tend to avoid. Happy New Year ATONE, I will see you again soon.
BEST HERO MOMENT
Fire circle showdown, SWEETHEART [Stephanie Crawford]
Cliff Booth on LSD vs. Manson Family, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Marisa Mirabal, John Rieber]
When Haley (Kaya Scodelario) shoots the croc in the mouth, CRAWL [Claire Holland]
Mothra sacrifices herself to revive Godzilla, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [Mac Bell]
Shazam sharing his powers with his foster siblings, SHAZAM! [Jay Alary]
Michael B. Jordan in JUST MERCY [Brett Gallman]
Captain America is worthy, AVENGERS: ENDGAME [John Reents, Rob Dean]
“Avengers…assemble,” AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Bill Bria]
Tony Stark, AVENGERS: ENDGAME [Samantha Schorsch]
The portals from AVENGERS: ENDGAME is literally the most Hero Moment ever made. [Shakyl Lambert]
The Ram-Don scene, PARASITE [Anya Stanley]
THE VELOCIPASTOR [Cati Glidewell]
Rambo literally cutting out the bad guy’s heart in RAMBO: LAST BLOOD. [Joe Tonzelli]
~3 minutes before the credits roll, UNCUT GEMS [Justin Yandell]
BEST “FUCK YOU” MOMENT
~1 minute before the credits roll, UNCUT GEMS [Justin Yandell]
Dani’s Smile, MIDSOMMAR [Terry Mesnard]
“My House, My Rules, My Coffee” mug, KNIVES OUT [Brett Gallman, Bill Bria, John Reents, Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi]
Anthony Provenzano makes Jimmy Hoffa wait for their meeting, THE IRISHMAN [John Rieber]
“I Want a Divorce,” READY OR NOT [Anya Stanley, Samantha Schorsch]
When Grace (Samara Weaving) the (horrible!) little boy, READY OR NOT [Claire Holland]
Messy Living Room, PARASITE [Stephanie Crawford]
Everything in PARASITE and the bear in MIDSOMMAR (tie) [Melissa Kay]
John Wick throwing an axe at that one guy’s head. [Shakl Lambert]
TOY STORY 4 [Joe Tonzelli]
Brandy attacking Tex, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Jay Alary]
Rick Dalton lights up a hippie, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Marisa Mirabal, Rob Dean]
The Last 25 Minutes, ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Cati Glidewell]
BEST OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE
UNCUT GEMS [Rob Dean, Justin Yandell]
JOJO RABBIT [Bill Bria, Brett Gallman, John Rieber]
1917 [Cati Glidewell]
CLIMAX [Jay Alary, Shakyl Lambert]
READY OR NOT [Samantha Schorsch]
MIDSOMMAR [Anya Stanley, Joe Tonzelli]
UNCUT GEMS [Jon Abrams] The credit sequence of this movie travels through Adam Sandler’s bowels, which is not only a perfect recap of his overall cinematic career but also thrillingly confusing to the New York audience I saw it with, many of whom were no doubt expecting a way more conventional Sandler movie and got a big-screen colonoscopy instead.
BEST OPENING SCENE
THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO [Matt Wedge]
MIDSOMMAR [Terry Mesnard, John Rieber]
THE LIGHTHOUSE [Anya Stanley]
UNCUT GEMS [Brett Gallman]
ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Jay Alary]
US [Bill Bria, Claire Holland]
(When Adelaide isn’t snapping on the beat and it foreshadows the whole movie! — Claire Holland)
CLIMAX [Melissa Kay, Shakyl Lambert]
ONE CUT OF THE DEAD [Paul Freitag-Fey]
1917 [Cati Glidewell]
THE IRISHMAN [Rob Dean]
PARASITE [Samantha Schorsch]
HUSTLERS [Jon Abrams] I’m a fan of the opening scene that isn’t really an opening scene but everyone remembers it that way. Everyone thinks SAVING PRIVATE RYAN opens on the beach, but it doesn’t. It opens with an old guy in a graveyard. Same thing with HUSTLERS. It’s a movie that is destined to be thought of as opening on a pole dance from Jennifer Lopez. The legend is pretty good. Print it.
WHAT CATEGORY SHOULD THE REAL OSCARS HAVE THAT THEY DON’T?
Best Stunts/Best Stuntwork/Best Stunt Team [Matt Wedge, Marisa Mirabal, Rob Dean, Brett Gallman, Melissa Kay, John Rieber, Stephanie Crawford, Bill Bria, Claire Holland, Joe Tonzelli]
(Stuntees literally die for their work from time to time. They deserve more recognition than they have. — Samantha
(Every year I say it: Best Stunt Team. — Matt Wedge)
(STUNTS. Jesus Christ already. — Rob Dean)
(STUNTS, God damn it! — Joe Tonzelli)
(For the 50 millionth time, best Stunt Team. —Shakyl Lambert)
Best Monster [Cati Glidewell]
Best Marketing of a Film [Jay Alary]
Best Gatekeeping [Justin Yandell]
Best Debut Film [Anya Stanley]
Best Casting [Sarah Jane]
Best Pie Fight [Mac Bell]
Best Gore [Mary Beth McAndrews]
Best Ensemble Cast [John Reents]
Best Performance By An Animal [Jon Abrams]
WHAT CATEGORY IS THIS LIST MISSING, AND WHO SHOULD WIN?
Best Sequel — 2019 Winner: DOCTOR SLEEP [Brett Gallman]
Best Food Product in a Film — 2019 Winner: Wolf’s Tooth Dog Food from ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD [Mac Bell]
Best multiple performances in a single year — 2019 Winner: Florence Pugh [John Rieber]
Best Ensemble Cast — 2019 Winner: PARASITE [Samantha Schorsch]
Best Documentary About Movies — 2019 Winner: SCREAM, QUEEN: MY NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET [John Reents]
Best Cinematic Cat [Jay Alary]
Best Use of a Source Cue — 2019 Winner: ONCE UPON A TIME…IN HOLLYWOOD, The Rolling Stones, “Out Of Time” [Bill Bria]
Best movie about a rare black opal — 2019 Winner: UNCUT GEMS [Melissa Kay]
Best Actress for Eternity: JoBeth Williams, POLTERGEIST [Andrew Belonsky]
Best Mustache. This year it’s Eddie of course. For DOLEMITE IS MY NAME. And forever, really. Lifetime Achievement level mustache game. [Jon Abrams]
SEE YOU LAST YEAR,
- [THE BIG QUESTION] WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE ENSEMBLE IN MOVIES? - July 22, 2016
- [IN THEATERS NOW] THE BOY (2016) - January 24, 2016
- Cult Movie Mania Releases Lucio Fulci Limited Edition VHS Sets - January 5, 2016
Tags: 2019, Awards, Bizarro Oscars, Luis Guzmán
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