The Oscar nominations were announced this morning, which can mean only one thing: Time for the Bizarro Oscars! The only rule of the Bizarro Oscars is that there are no rules. Some more rules that we made up this time around: Everyone who participated had to put their name next to their nominations so you can yell at us if you don’t like what we chose, and also everything that gets nominated is a winner.
Here’s the inaugural edition from 2014, for reference. It probably doesn’t explain much.
BEST END CREDITS SEQUENCE
Viola Davis, SUICIDE SQUAD.
Maria Bello, LIGHTS OUT
Laura Linney’s hair in NOCTURNAL ANIMALS.
(Kevin Maher)
BEST MOVIE YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T SEE
SHIN GODZILLA
THEY LOOK LIKE PEOPLE
THE WAILING
INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE
BEST SCORE FROM A MOVIE YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T SEE (OR JUST PLAIN BEST SCORE)
ASSASSIN’S CREED
THE LOVE WITCH
BEST ANTIHERO
Darcy Banker (Patrick Stewart) from GREEN ROOM
The Shark in THE SHALLOWS
THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR
The Driver in FENDER BENDER
HUSH
BEST MONSTER
The Easter Bunny, HOLIDAYS
This little dude from THE MASTER CLEANSE
BEST GIANT MONSTER
SHIN GODZILLA
Super-Size Paul Rudd in CIVIL WAR
BEST RANDOM LARRY FESSENDEN APPEARANCE
CARNAGE PARK
BEST WEREWOLF
No contenders. (See, 2016 sucked!)
BEST VAMPIRE
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THE NEON DEMON
BEST SKELETON
THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE
Whatever’s going on in the last shot of SHIN GODZILLA
Katana from SUICIDE SQUAD
Deadpool.
Black Panther.
BEST DUO
Ryan Gosling/Russell Crowe, THE NICE GUYS
BEST CHARACTER ACTOR
Michael Shannon in everything.
Larry Fessenden
BEST EXTRA
Michael Shannon as “Dead Zod” in BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE
Every extra and bit player in HELL OR HIGH WATER
The turkey baster in DON’T BREATHE
BEST DESERVES-HER-OWN-MOVIE CHARACTER
The T-Bone Waitress from HELL OR HIGH WATER
Black Phillip
The Bank Robber Gals from PEE-WEE’S BIG HOLIDAY
(Kevin Maher)
Tilda Swinton as basically, Yoda, in DOCTOR STRANGE
MOST CINEMATIC SHITKICKERS IN ONE PLACE
Every extra and bit player in HELL OR HIGH WATER
The trailer to JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2
BEST CATCHPHRASE
“I am one with the Force and the Force is with me.” — Chirrut Îmwe (Donnie Yen), ROGUE ONE
“I rebel.” — Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones), ROGUE ONE
BEST OUGHT-TO-BE-A-CATCHPHRASE
“Would that it were so simple,” from HAIL, CAESAR! I’ve already started using it in conversation.
“It’s 2016. No one cares about freedom.” — Ellen Kaye (Charlotte Rampling) in ASSASSIN’S CREED
BEST LINE, IN CONTEXT
“Tell somebody who gives a shit.” – GREEN ROOM
(Anya Novak / Mike Vanderbilt)
“I like worrying about you.”
This line from MIDNIGHT SPECIAL captures what it means to be a parent.
(Kevin Maher)
BEST LINE IN OR OUT OF CONTEXT
“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?” — Black Philip, THE WITCH
“Never compare me to the JAWS Mayor. Never!” — Mayor Bradley (Andy Garcia), from GHOSTBUSTERS (a.k.a. GHOSTBUSTERS: ANSWER THE CALL)
(Kevin Maher)
BEST NICOLAS CAGE MOVIE
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U.S.S. INDIANAPOLIS: MEN OF COURAGE
BEST JOHN CUSACK MOVIE
CELL
BEST 50 CENT MOVIE
POP STAR: NEVER STOP NEVER STOPPING
CYBORG X
A MONSTER CALLS
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SILENCE
KEANU
(Mike Vanderbilt & Jon Abrams)
BEST FIGHT
The final fight in DEADPOOL
The second bar fight in MANCHESTER BY THE SEA
Donnie Yen meets Stormtroopers in ROGUE ONE
BEST CAR
The car in FENDER BENDER
The “Battlecuda” from PHANTASM: RAVAGER
(Matt Wedge & Kevin Maher)
BEST CAR CHASE
HELL OR HIGH WATER
Without giving too much away, the distraction car chase at the end of MIDNIGHT SPECIAL.
(Kevin Maher)
BEST COLLECTOR OF FRAGILE SEXIST TEARS
Two-way tie! GHOSTBUSTERS and ROGUE ONE
BEST WORST MOVIE
HOLIDAYS
THE SHALLOWS
(Kevin Maher)
WORST BEST MOVIE
THE NEON DEMON
CERTAIN WOMEN
(Kevin Maher)
BEST HERO MOMENT
The entire third act of ROGUE ONE(Anya Novak / Mike Vanderbilt)
Ben defies his in-laws and brings his children to their mother’s funeral in CAPTAIN FANTASTIC.
(Kevin Maher)
BEST “FUCK YOU” MOMENT
Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Pena throwing away their lucrative careers as grafting cops to kill the shit out of a group of child pornographers in WAR ON EVERYONE.
***SPOILER***
The grave-robbing in CAPTAIN FANTASTIC.
(Kevin Maher)
BEST MOMENT WHERE WE FORGOT HOW HORRIBLE 2016 WAS
The “Drive It Like You Stole It” sequence in SING STREET
BEST OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE
I AM THE PRETTY THING THAT LIVES IN THE HOUSE
WHAT CATEGORY SHOULD THE REAL OSCARS HAVE THAT THEY DON’T?
Best Stunt Team
Hal Needham Memorial Best Stunt Sequence.
Best Monologue
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE NON-2016 MOVIE YOU SAW FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2016?
JUNGLE TRAP
THE WITCH premiered at Sundance 2015, but I only saw it a few months ago. That was a great movie and I’m adding it to this year’s list, b/c most people didn’t see it until this year and I like to live deliciously.
HELLZAPOPPIN’ (1941)
(Kevin Maher)
GARDEN OF EVIL (1954)
A CAT IN THE BRAIN (1990)
BEST GWILLIAM
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Tags: Awards, Lists, Luis Guzmán
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