Happy Valentine’s Day! If you’ve got a sweetheart today or if you don’t, you’ve got Daily Grindhouse! We asked our friends and contributors the following question:
“Which one horror character do you feel would have been your soulmate, whether or not they ended up dead or evil?”
JON ABRAMS
This turned out to be a tougher question than I thought it would be. Right away I went to the follow-up question: “Okay, but which horror character did Nia Long play?” Because well, Nia Long. She’s pretty much the ultimate, right? As far as horror goes, we have Nia Long as “Donna” in STIGMATA (1999). Problem is, I haven’t seen STIGMATA. It’s not really about her character, which might explain why I never saw it. So I don’t know if her character in that movie would be my idea of a soulmate. Which makes me think there’s still a movie to be made with Nia Long as the greatest Final Girl of all time. But for now, that’s only something that exists in my mind. I’d better answer the question so I can get back to writing.
So I’m going with Clara (Gemma Arterton) from BYZANTIUM (2012). She’s “morbidly sexy,” as one character says about her, clever, cunning, fierce, and protective of Saoirse Ronan, as I have felt ever since I found out Saoirse was born in the Bronx like me. I think Clara and I would get along. She carries some seriously heavy trauma, but I guess I do too, and I figure soulmates are supposed to help each other with that kind of thing. The reason why Clara didn’t immediately come to mind is because of the small detail of her being a vampire, which I think is awesome when she’s ripping off dudes’ heads, but less awesome when it occurs to me that I’d have to become a vampire to live through eternity with her. I just don’t think I would be a very good vampire. I don’t think I’d even be one of those vampires who lives off animal blood so he doesn’t have to kill human beings, since I love animals so much. I think one thing that’s so cool about Clara is how unsentimental she is, about just about everything besides her daughter, so maybe it wouldn’t work out. I’m too sentimental. Well, plenty of soulmates pass in the night, I guess. And so it goes.
We’ll always have this:
JAMIE ALVEY
It’s obviously Luke Crain from The Haunting of Hill House (2018). I love a well-intentioned fuck-up, who does his best. He’s kind of a sweet lost puppy and no one understands him, and that “I can fix him” part of me loves that. I guess I just get the PTSD facets of that character on a deeply spiritual level.
Then there’s adult Ben Hanscom from IT (1990 and 2019) because he’s the ultimate sweetheart and dream boat…and Emmett DeWitt from 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE (2016)… I have too many men, y’all. Too many men…
MAC BELL
My soulmate horror character? Too easy… it’s Nurse Alex Price (played by Jenny Agutter) from AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981). She’s caring, intelligent, and hardworking, and she likes shower sex set to Van Morrison. And if I was to ever change into a monster, the supernatural kind, it seems she would be a supporting partner and hold my paw during the full moon.
BEE DELORES
Jensen Ackles oozes charisma in his role as Tom Hanniger in 2009’s MY BLOODY VALENTINE remake. Early in the film, an elaborate kill sequence down in the mines leaves Tom forever traumatized. As a result, he high-tails it out of town and into a mental ward for nearly a decade. When he returns, the town is not so keen on his presence, especially as he has plans to sell his family’s mine. He’s just a man trying to get by, and who could fault him for that. His arrival also coincides with a fresh murder spree, and the film delivers on some of the most iconic setpieces ? the sleazy motel scene is a personal favorite. After a few misdirects, it’s revealed Tom is actually the pickax-wielding maniac with a thirst for blood. Even though he’s a straight psychopath, there’s something magnetic about him. He’s a broken spirit simply attempting to feel alive again. I know what you’re thinking: how could a serial killer be your soulmate? It might defy reason and logic for most people, and that’s certainly valid. I am drawn to his big heart and raw, vulnerable side. He harbors an undeniable dark side, but I can’t help but wonder if he can be cured. Tom Hanniger is a lot of things (deranged, fragile, etc.), but he’s a misunderstood individual that society turned into a monster. He’s very much a victim, too, and my soulmate.
ALEXIS DEN BOGGENDE
My horror character soulmate would have to be Captain John Boyd from Antonia Bird’s RAVENOUS(1999), played with poignancy by Guy Pearce.
At the beginning of the film, Boyd is considered a cowardly, disgraced Mexican-American war vet. He’s exiled to a remote military outpost in the Sierra Nevada, home to a motley crew of well-meaning but outcasted soldiers. During a rescue mission, they’re ambushed by a sadistic, sinister cannibal, and Boyd’s humanity and morality are tested. Throughout the film, Boyd proves himself to be the hero that his superiors vehemently deny him being in the opening sequence; despite not knowing his new company, he tirelessly tries to do the right thing and protect them, no matter how poorly he is treated or disbelieved in the process. In our haunting ending shot, Boyd sacrifices himself to save countless others, even under wicked temptation that would save his life but condemn his morality. In doing this, he proves that he is a morally righteous man, a good man — a man that would deny evil even when it promises him the world.
The ending of RAVENOUS is one of my favorites in cinema; haunting and tragic, but a relief. You root for Boyd throughout the film and hope that he does not give in to evil. He’s a highly admirable character — a sympathetic one — and I fell in love with the way he was written immediately.
RAVENOUS is criminally underrated and, unfortunately, often overlooked. It’s a creepy, horror-western-comedy and critical commentary of Manifest Destiny, featuring a fantastic and diverse cast of character actors, an eerie, plaintive folk-infused soundtrack by Gorillaz’s Damon Albarn, and some brilliant storytelling. If you love gore-drenched western flicks like BONE TOMAHAWK and THE HATEFUL EIGHT, you’ll love RAVENOUS.
PRESTON FASSEL
Asking me which horror character I think would be my soulmate is something of an insurmountable task on par with asking a mother which child she loves the most. Maybe it’s because I’m a romantic at heart with a severe savior complex, but from an early age I’ve always found myself falling for the villainesses in horror media. Be it sweet Carrie White, who really just needed a sympathetic ear and loving shoulder (and whose non-psychic analogue I did end up dating and almost taking to the prom), SPECIES’ Sil (she was just following her maternal instinct), DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS’ Ilona (oh, Illona) or Elvira (wait — she wasn’t the villain, was she?), from the time I’ve been romantically inclined I’ve always had a thing for the bad girls of horror. Of late, I’ll admit, I’ve had a serious crush on Mia Goth’s Pearl, who maybe could have had a better path in life if circumstances were better and she had someone understanding to whom she could vent all of those homicidal urges.
If I’m going to be honest, though, ever since I saw the movie the answer has, and probably always will be, KISS OF THE DAMNED’s Djuna and Mimi. Yeah, I’m picking two; this is the 21st century, and if the films of Jean Rollin have taught me nothing it’s that bad things happen when you’re presented with an “everyone can win” situation and don’t take it. Sultry, sensitive, empathetic, cultured Djuna and free-wheeling, wild-child, I-don’t-give-a-damn Mimi? Paolo’s big mistake was not sitting everyone down and having an honest, adult, “this can work” conversation. I’d like to think I could handle things differently.
MATT KONOPKA
It takes me all of one second considering who my horror soulmate is before I’m speeding to my laptop to type away. She was my first crush. The most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The gal who introduced me to horror movies. I’m talkin’ about Christine, man. No shitter ever came between me and Christine. It didn’t matter how many times my parents hid that worn VHS tape — oh their horror that time I imitated the scene where Rich gives the finger — she was always there for me. We both love rock and roll. We don’t take crap from bullies. And look, this 58’ Plymouth Fury may sound scary with her roaring engine, but she’s real sensitive. We’re similar like that. Yeah, yeah, you might think a car is an odd soulmate or that this is some TITANE shit (get your head out of the tailpipe, ya weirdo). I know you’re jealous. Because you can do anything when someone, err, thing, believes in you. And when you believe right back in that someone/thing, then watch out world, because nobody can stop you! That’s what we have. Or not. I don’t know. She doesn’t really talk much.
ANDY MARSHALL-ROBERTS
Without doubt, Alfred from 1981’s HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Not only is Jack Blum very cute, but Alfred just seems to be the only nice one out of the Crawford Top Ten in that movie, most of whom are vacuous, spoilt rich kids who bitterly argue over minor gripes and constantly backstab each other. Alfred notably refuses to indulge in their dangerous driving games, and pursues other interests outside of heading to the Inn to drink every night. He also loves to amp up his creepiness when he wants to, he adores animals like his pet mouse George, and he’s a master mask-maker just like Tom Savini! And in spite of all of his weirdness, the whole group does still embrace him because there’s just something so innocent and harmless about him. It’s a pity he’s disembowelled by some gardening shears, because Alfred would absolutely have been my soulmate! The guy that can make masks that alter bone structure, body type, and voice will always have my heart!
LAURA RIORDAN
When Jon first gave me this prompt, I thought it was going to be hard to narrow down the list of horror women that I would want to date to a single subject. But when I really thought about it, there was only one horror movie character I could imagine myself spending the rest of my life with, hatching Looney Tunes-esque hairbrained schemes and dressing far sluttier than events called for. She’s got gorgeously colored hair, incredible legs, and some of the sexiest green skin this side of STAR TREK, it’s Greta, the trans girlie gremlin from GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH! While the first GREMLINS had them opposed to the hidden darkness of suburbia, the sequel throws the little demons up against the in-your-face nastiness of a metropolis. Greta is a great reflection of this, a hormone-chugging Miss Piggy for ‘90s New York City. But why would we be soulmates?
Well, as two trans femme bitches, we’d be unstoppable. The only downside I can foresee in that regard is our inability to swap outfits, and she’s got some incredible looks, from the leopard-print bikini to her red dress with boa worn during the film’s “New York, New York” number. We have a shared love of musical theater and somewhat grating meta-jokes, plus I love her little gremlin voice. Her purrs are music to my ears, especially when she’s begging Forster to marry her. I’d be in her arms in a heartbeat. Our relationship would be full of glamorous parties and events, all of which we would be kicked out of biting and screaming, asking who these people think they are to treat a power couple such as us like this. Imagine WHAT’S UP DOC? with two Barbra Streisands and you’d be coming close to the levels of hijinks the two of us would be up to. If they really do make a GREMLINS III someday, it better be a rom-com starring me and one Greta the Gremlin.
- [THE BIG QUESTION] WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE ENSEMBLE IN MOVIES? - July 22, 2016
- [IN THEATERS NOW] THE BOY (2016) - January 24, 2016
- Cult Movie Mania Releases Lucio Fulci Limited Edition VHS Sets - January 5, 2016
Tags: Horror, Love, Valentine's Day
No Comments