Welcome to the Daily Grindhouse Bizarro Oscars. This is our way of celebrating less conventional aspects of popular films, but even better, to spotlight those films we love that most definitely won’t be recognized at the “real” Academy Awards tomorrow night. Here, genre films of every kind are celebrated, and random performances and other aspects that might never otherwise get their spotlight are foregrounded. This one’s for the outsiders and the underdogs.

 

This is the Somethingth Annual Bizarros — an exact “annual” count is dodgy since we skipped a year somewhere in there (although here’s 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020, for your records). We will keep it up until DC sends a cease-and-desist!

 

The only rule, as ever, is that there are no rules. Everyone who wanted to participate was invited, nobody anywhere was excluded, and everyone voted on the categories they felt like voting on, and if there was any category they felt was missing, they were allowed to add it and name their own winners. The nomination really is the win. (We are also ordering some depressing Bizarro statuettes.)

 

 

If you’d like to participate next year, please drop us a line, and in the meantime, the comments are always open.

 

Here are this year’s voters and where you can find them on social media.

 

JON ABRAMS:

 

AMYLOU AHAVA (pictured: Ash Williams!):

JAY ALARY:

RILEY CASSIDY:

 

ROB DEAN:

 

BRETT GALLMAN:

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:

 

MATT KONOPKA:

KATELYN NELSON:

MATT WEDGE:

 

 

 

 

 

 

UP, UP, AND AWAY…

 

 

 

BEST END CREDITS SEQUENCE

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  CANDYMAN

 

MATT KONOPKA:  CANDYMAN

 

JON ABRAMS:  CANDYMAN. Oh my god.

 

JAY ALARY:  THE CONJURING: THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT

Most of the time, it’s superhero movies that have end credit sequences, but other genres have gotten into the act, for better or for worse. THE CONJURING: THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT’s end credits consist of stock footage of the real-life Ed and Lorraine Warren discussing the case on which the film is based, like it was a long-lost segment from In Search Of…! (AKA the Gen X version of Unsolved Mysteries, but better!) I found it far more entertaining than the entire film that preceded it. (And I enjoyed the first two CONJURING films.)

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  ANNETTE

 

ROB DEAN:  SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME

 

 

 

BEST LAST SCENE

 

JON ABRAMS:  It’s not technically the last scene, but the final major action extravaganza in NOBODY is just… Was there even another scene after that? Were there any other movies after that?

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  NIGHTMARE ALLEY

 

KATELYN NELSON:  NIGHTMARE ALLEY

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   THE GREEN KNIGHT

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  CENSOR

 

MATT KONOPKA:  CANDYMAN

 

ROB DEAN:  RIDERS OF JUSTICE

 

MATT WEDGE:  RIDERS OF JUSTICE had a surprisingly heartwarming and moving final moment.

 

 

 

 

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A NOT-SO-GOOD MOVIE

 

JAY ALARY:  Alessandro Nivola, THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK

I think The Sopranos is an exceptional TV series, but I found the film prequel, written by series creator David Chase, to be a pointless narrative exercise that doesn’t add anything new to the series’ mythology. However, Alessandro Nivola gives a career performance as Dickie Moltisanti, the gangster idolized by a young Tony Soprano (Michael Gandolfini). Every scene he’s in, Nivola is energized, giving a remarkable performance in a film that doesn’t deserve it. Between this performance and the one he gives in THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE, Nivola ought to be a big star.

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  Colton Ryan in DEAR EVAN HANSEN

 

ROB DEAN:   Ariana DeBose, WEST SIDE STORY

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Carrie Coon, GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE

 

JON ABRAMS:  Paul Rudd, GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  Ilana Glazer in FALSE POSITIVE (which I thought was a good first effort, but not a great movie).

 

MATT WEDGE:  Robert Longstreet in HALLOWEEN KILLS

 

 

 

BEST MOVIE YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T SEE

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  AN IDEAL HOST

 

JAY ALARY:  STREET GANG: HOW WE GOT TO SESAME STREET

Many of us grew up with Sesame Street in our childhoods—I was lucky to be able to watch it along with The Friendly Giant and Mr. Dressup every morning on the CBC. (In addition to being a comedy heavyweight, Canada also excels at children’s programming.) When elementary school beckoned, I resisted institutional learning, even walking home at recess to watch my shows. Time marched on, but I never forgot Sesame Street and its educational and creative magic, so seeing a documentary that examines the series’ origins is fascinating, funny, and very moving. It’s a documentary I didn’t know I needed to help mend some of the heartache and stress caused by the pandemic.

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  THE HUMANS

 

ROB DEAN:   NINE DAYS

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   SEANCE

 

JON ABRAMS:   RIDERS OF JUSTICE 

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   THE BETA TEST

 

MATT KONOPKA:  THE BOY BEHIND THE DOOR

 

MATT WEDGE:   OLD HENRY

 

 

BEST SCORE

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  CANDYMAN

 

MATT KONOPKA:  CANDYMAN

 

JON ABRAMS:  YASUKE by Flying Lotus

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  COME TRUE  

 

ROB DEAN:  THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES

 

BRETT GALLMAN:    MALIGNANT

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  HELLBENDER 

 

PRETTIEST MOVIE

 

KATELYN NELSON:  NIGHTMARE ALLEY

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  LAST NIGHT IN SOHO

 

MATT KONOPKA: LAST NIGHT IN SOHO

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  STRAWBERRY MANSION

 

JAY ALARY:  THE FRENCH DISPATCH

Love him or hate him (I’m firmly in the former camp), one cannot deny that Wes Anderson creates the prettiest mises en scène in cinema today and THE FRENCH DISPATCH is his latest visual confection. Using his always-stellar cast of actors, Anderson creates pure cinematic beauty in this collection of vignettes, in color and black and white, from various points in time in the not-so-sleepy village of Ennui-sur-Blasé. I can’t say it’s Anderson’s best film, but it’s among his most visually sumptuous, a true love letter to his La nouvelle vague cinematic heroes.

 

MATT WEDGE:  THE HARDER THEY FALL

 

ROB DEAN:  BELLE

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   THE GREEN KNIGHT

 

JON ABRAMS:  TITANE

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND: I have to pick a few – TITANE, CANDYMAN, GAIA, LAMB, THE FEAST, THE BLAZING WORLD.

 

 

 

BEST “BAD” MOVIE

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  WITNESS INFECTION

 

ROB DEAN:   WILLY’S WONDERLAND

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   WILLY’S WONDERLAND

 

KATELYN NELSON:   MORTAL KOMBAT

 

JON ABRAMS:  SNAKE EYES: G.I. JOE ORIGINS. Samara Weaving plays Scarlett. Iko Uwais teaches Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes how to be ninjas. I have not seen KING RICHARD, BELFAST, or CODA but I have seen this. Why? Ninjas.

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  WRONG TURN (2021). I strongly believe that it was funny on purpose and some audiences didn’t get that.

 

JAY ALARY:   HALLOWEEN KILLS

As a long-time fan of the HALLOWEEN franchise, I enjoyed  David Gordon Green’s 2018 HALLOWEEN (despite it wiping out my beloved HALLOWEEN II from canon) and looked forward to the next film. HALLOWEEN KILLS was the second film I saw in the theatre (after NO TIME TO DIE) in the Covid era and when it was over, I had regretted walking through the chilly October rain to the downtown multiplex. I still don’t like it, but I do realize slashers aren’t considered complex narratives, so if bloody mayhem is what you crave, HALLOWEEN KILLS offers plenty of gore to satisfy. Don’t expect a big showdown between Laurie Strode and Michael Meyers—that’s for the conclusion, HALLOWEEN ENDS, in October 2022.

 

 

 

BEST VILLAIN

 

JAY ALARY:   Starro the Conqueror, THE SUICIDE SQUAD

Many a comics fan knows that Starro was the Justice League of America’s first foe (The Brave and the Bold issue #28, way back in late 1959), which, along with the previous updates of The Flash and Green Lantern, heralded the beginning of the Silver Age of comics. I last remember Starro antagonizing the Justice League Europe team back in the early ‘90s (Justice League Europe issues #25-28—did I mention I’m a DC Comics kid?), which was fitting, as that Justice League incarnation focused on comedy and battling a gigantic space starfish is anything if not serious. Leave it to James Gunn, Hollywood’s go-to guy for all things cosmic and corny, to use Starro in his reboot of the wretched SUICIDE SQUAD movie. Only in a James Gunn movie could Starro be both ridiculous and terrifying, as its spores (miniature versions of itself) are released, attaching to the faces of the beleaguered citizens of fictional country Corto Maltese, creating an instant army of zombified soldiers. Thanks to the efforts of the latest Suicide Squad recruits, Starro is vanquished, but its cinematic debut is a lot of fun!

 

JON ABRAMS:  Dave Chappelle, THE CLOSER.  Don’t get me wrong for a second — me putting this here isn’t an endorsement. Dave went full-on anti-trans, so fuck him. But there was no pop-culture heel turn I fixated on more in 2021 than this one. Here’s a guy who’s at the top of his game, widely considered the best of his generation, a unique and often-persuasive thinker and a devastatingly artful comic. And he just decided to be the bad guy. Was he bored? Did he just get tired of all the right people agreeing with him and figure it’d be funny to court all the worst? I don’t know if comedy speaks truth to power or moves minds on its own, but it’s an arrow in the quiver. What would happen if a truly talented person went rotten? If he used his one-of-a-kind voice to harm rather than to enlighten or entertain? We’ve had how many people play The Joker on screen and how many of them were funny? What’s so scary to me is how there are still so many jokes in this special that could have worked for me, if they hadn’t been mixed in alongside all the hateful garbage. It made me think about whether or not I myself could have gone the wrong way. (Chappelle and I both have roots in Yellow Springs, OH.) I’ve been such a fan of this guy for so, so long. But I don’t owe anyone my allegiance. Fuck him. But I do occasionally wonder: what if at some point Chappelle realizes what he did here? How bad he made innocent people feel? Could he admit he regrets it? What if he genuinely apologizes? Is there any hope for “the canceled?” What can I (we, you) forgive? Is there redemption left for villains in our modern era?

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:    Gabriel, MALIGNANT

 

MATT KONOPKA:    Gabriel, MALIGNANT

 

KATELYN NELSON:   Gabriel, MALIGNANT

 

ROB DEAN:   Quarantine/Mental Illness, BO BURNHAM: INSIDE

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   Ben Affleck, THE LAST DUEL

 

 

 

BEST EVIL HENCHMAN

 

JON ABRAMS:  Shriek (Naomie Harris) in VENOM: LET THERE BE CARNAGE. Just because she’s Naomie Harris.

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   Bev from Midnight Mass

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  The bad guys in THE FOREVER PURGE

 

KATELYN NELSON:  Mileena (Sisi Stringer), MORTAL KOMBAT

 

ROB DEAN:   Yoyo (Reyn Doi), BARB AND STAR GO TO VISTA DEL MAR

 

JAY ALARY:  Edgar Paget (Jamie Dornan), BARB AND STAR GO TO VISTA DEL MAR

The world knows Dornan best as Christian Grey in the 50 SHADES OF GREY trilogy, but in BARB AND STAR GO TO VISTA DEL MAR, Dornan is able to flex his comic chops as the villainous Sharon Fisherman’s henchman-with-a-heart-full-of-love, Edgar. More comedies for Mr. Dornan please!

 

 

BEST HORROR-MOVIE MASK

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  HALLOWEEN KILLS

 

MATT KONOPKA: Michael Myers, HALLOWEEN KILLS

 

JAY ALARY:   HALLOWEEN KILLS.  Shout out to David Gordon Green’s inclusion of HALLOWEEN III’s Silver Shamrock masks in one scene in an otherwise forgettable film. Michael Myers’ fire-scorched mask is there too, but I’m still angry about the movie…

 

JON ABRAMS:  Not really a horror mask, more of a face parasite, but those little Starros were creepy! (My first thought was the Lucille Ball makeup in BEING THE RICARDOS, but I don’t want to get yelled at.)

 

BRETT GALLMAN:    FEAR STREET: 1994

 

ROB DEAN:   Skull Mask, FEAR STREET: PART ONE – 1994

 

KATELYN NELSON:    Lil’ Billy Batson, FEAR STREET series

 

 

 

BEST GIANT MONSTER

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   ANTLERS 

 

MATT KONOPKA:  The creature in ANTLERS 

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  The mushroom monsters in GAIA 

 

JON ABRAMS:  Seeing Carnage on the big screen, regardless of what you want to say about the movie, was a ’90s comic kid’s dream-come-true, but look, any calendar year that has either King Kong or Godzilla appear on screen is what I’ve got to vote for, and 2021, for all its many faults, had both. (GODZILLA vs. KONG)

 

JAY ALARY:  King Kong, GODZILLA vs. KONG

The mighty Kong would take great umbrage at being labeled a “monster”, but at the risk of his wrath, I’m still nominating him for GODZILLA vs. KONG. Though he hasn’t appeared in as many films as Godzilla, he still has more personality than that lumbering radioactive lizard; the various kaiju in the film can’t fully stop the Lord of Skull Island, so he’s clearly an indomitable ape. How about we nominate him as “Best Giant Primate”?

 

ROB DEAN:   Starro, THE SUICIDE SQUAD

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Starro, THE SUICIDE SQUAD

 

KATELYN NELSON:  Starro, THE SUICIDE SQUAD

 

 

BEST WEREWOLF

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   Grey in BLOODTHIRSTY

 

KATELYN NELSON:   Weasel, THE SUICIDE SQUAD (probably he doesn’t count but I love him)

 

ROB DEAN:   WEREWOLVES WITHIN

 

MATT KONOPKA:  WEREWOLVES WITHIN

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  [redacted], WEREWOLVES WITHIN

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  [redacted], WEREWOLVES WITHIN (if you know, you know!)

 

JAY ALARY:   TIE: WEREWOLVES WITHIN AND THE WOLF OF SNOW HOLLOW

I saw two werewolf movies in 2021, though technically one of them is from 2020; it’s a pandemic, so I’m allowed to stretch the facts! Both films deal with the possibility of werewolves in snowy, mountainous locales, so they make for a great double feature after you’ve shoveled the sidewalks and driveway. (If you’re unlucky to deal with the snow in late March.) WEREWOLVES WITHIN is a humorous lycanthropic romp and I had no idea it was even based on a video game! (My video game knowledge is non-existent after the Super NES console.) Being a werewolf aficionado, I deduced the identity of the film’s werewolf, but that didn’t dissuade me from enjoying the film. THE WOLF OF SNOW HOLLOW is also a mix of horror and comedy, albeit in a droll delivery, and I love Jim Cummings’ performance and direction. The film, like WEREWOLVES WITHIN, has a great cast and a nifty twist ending. It’s also the final film performance of the late, great Robert Forster, so I cannot recommend it enough.

 

 

BEST VAMPIRE

 

ROB DEAN:  Midnight Mass (yes, a cheat)

 

KATELYN NELSON:  Midnight Mass

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   Thomas in MY HEART CAN’T BEAT UNLESS YOU TELL IT TO

 

MATT WEDGE:   Barbara Crampton in JAKOB’S WIFE

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  Barbara Crampton in JAKOB’S WIFE

 

RILEY CASSIDY:   Barbara Crampton in JAKOB’S WIFE

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   Barbara Crampton, JAKOB’S WIFE

 

MATT KONOPKA:   Barbara Crampton, JAKOB’S WIFE

 

JAY ALARY:  Barbara Crampton, JAKOB’S WIFE

While I’m not as enamored with the film as many others, I still think Barbara Crampton is fabulous as Anne, a meek pastor’s wife who transforms (literally and figuratively) into an assertive, mesmerizing vampire, one who doesn’t allow Larry Fessenden’s Jakob to take her for granted anymore. It’s smart to cast a legendary horror icon in the titular role and the best thing about the film is the everchanging dynamic between the couple experiencing a widening chasm in their relationship. Honorable mention goes to the visual look of The Master, the vampire who bites Anne, as he’s modeled after Barlow’s terrifying visage in Tobe Hooper’s memorable TV mini-series Salem’s Lot (itself using NOSFERATU as inspiration).

 

 

 

BEST SKELETON

 

JON ABRAMS:  That monstrosity in the cave in THE EMPTY MAN

 

BRETT GALLMAN:    FEAR STREET: 1994

 

ROB DEAN:   THE SPINE OF NIGHT

 

JAY ALARY:  OLD

In M. Night Shyamalan’s latest enjoyable thriller, one of the characters, Crystal (Abbey Lee), is one of the victims of an insidious beach resort. As all the tourists who visit a nearby beach begin to age rapidly for unknown reasons, poor Crystal’s osteoporosis worsens as she ages, as her bones become brittle, break, and heal in unsightly, extreme angles in a matter of minutes. Nasty stuff!

 

BEST SUPERHERO COSTUME

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Peacemaker, THE SUICIDE SQUAD

 

KATELYN NELSON:  Polka-Dot Man (David Dastmalchian), THE SUICIDE SQUAD

 

ROB DEAN:  Polka-Dot Man (David Dastmalchian), THE SUICIDE SQUAD

 

JON ABRAMS:  Bloodsport (Idris Elba), THE SUICIDE SQUAD. He hardly uses the helmet in the movie (why would he? he’s Idris Elba) but I think it’s hilarious that Bloodsport has a Xenomorph helmet. I’d love to see Bloodsport battle Laurence Fishburne from PREDATORS (remember that scene where he wore a Predator costume?). I don’t know Bloodsport from the comics, but I do also think it’s hilarious that there are supervillains taking their code names from early-period Van Damme movies.

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  Kate Beckinsale in her white tank top and leather pants in JOLT 

 

JAY ALARY:   Batsuit, ZACK SNYDER’S JUSTICE LEAGUE

No matter the quality of a Batman film, I have never felt that filmmakers have gotten the suit quite right. (Tim Burton was closest in BATMAN, back when the yellow oval was still part of the costume, in those halcyon days of readers paying to call a 1-900 number to kill off Jason Todd, AKA the second Robin.)  As much as there is to admire in Christopher Nolan’s Bat trilogy, I don’t like the Bat tactical suits. Whatever one might think of Zack Snyder’s 4-hour JUSTICE LEAGUE cut (or Ben Affleck as Batman), I think it has the best Batman suit to date. Everything just feels right: the cowl and length of the ears, the gloves, the texture of the suit itself, and a proper utility belt!  (I have yet to see THE BATMAN, so I can’t judge Robert Pattinson’s Batsuit.)

 

 

 

BEST CHARACTER ACTOR

AMYLOU AHAVA:  Keith David

 

ROB DEAN:   Willem Dafoe

 

KATELYN NELSON:  Margot Robbie, in THE SUICIDE SQUAD specifically

 

RILEY CASSIDY:   Ralph Ineson, THE GREEN KNIGHT

 

JON ABRAMS:   Stephen Root, THE EMPTY MAN

 

BRETT GALLMAN:    Toby Huss, COPSHOP

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   Pat Healy (WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING) and Barbara Kingsley (HONEYDEW)

 

 

 

BEST EXTRA

 

 

ROB DEAN:   Crying/fired runner, THE FRENCH DISPATCH

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   Lena Dunham’s truly bizarre moments in HONEYDEW

 

JON ABRAMS:   The crowd of cult members in THE EMPTY MAN in that one scene (you know the one if you saw the movie)

 

KATELYN NELSON:   Zoë Bell in MALIGNANT 

 

MATT WEDGE:  The “What the fuck?” inmate in the jail cell from MALIGNANT.

 

 

 

BEST DESERVES-HER-OWN-MOVIE CHARACTER

 

KATELYN NELSON:  Scorpion (Zoë Bell) in MALIGNANT 

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  Ms. Collins (Diana Rigg) in LAST NIGHT IN SOHO

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Valerie Young (Alexis Louder), COPSHOP

 

ROB DEAN:  La Linda (Tiffany Haddish), THE CARD COUNTER

 

MATT WEDGE:  Bugs (Jessica Henwick) in THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  The pig (Brandy, #RIP) from PIG

 

JON ABRAMS:  Scarlett (Samara Weaving) in SNAKE EYES: GI JOE ORIGINS. Again, say whatever you want about the movie, but if you don’t look at that particular casting choice and imagine what could possibly be, we are incredibly different people.

 

 

 

MOST ASS-KICKING SHITKICKERS IN ONE PLACE

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  The mascots in WILLY’S WONDERLAND

 

ROB DEAN:   THE HARDER THEY FALL

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  COPSHOP

 

RILEY CASSIDY:   SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE

 

JAY ALARY:  NOBODY. I’m not an action movie fan, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the genre when the right film comes along. NOBODY shouldn’t work, especially with Mr. Show alumnus Bob Odenkirk as the lead ass kicker, but by golly, does it subvert expectations! One of the best scenes in the movie is during the film’s climax when Odenkirk’s Hutch Mansell teams up with his brother Harry (RZA) and dad David (Christopher Lloyd) to take down a Russian mob boss plaguing Hutch’s life. I expect to see Odenkirk’s comedy partner David Cross kicking ass in the sequel!

 

MATT WEDGE:  I think it’s time to acknowledge a “new” generation of ass-kicking shitkickers beyond the usual suspects (Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, etc.). With that in mind, NO SUDDEN MOVE had a stacked cast of less geriatric, more middle-aged tough guys: Don Cheadle, Benicio del Toro, Brendan Fraser, Ray Liotta, and David Harbour all sharing the screen with old-school tough guy Bill Duke.

 

 

 

BEST CATCHPHRASE, OR BEST OUGHT-TO-BE-A-CATCHPHRASE

 

MATT KONOPKA:   “Not my hunky boys!” – PSYCHO GOREMAN.

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  “If anything scares you, hit it in the skull.” – Suki Waterhouse in SÈANCE.

 

KATELYN NELSON:    Ruby Lane’s song in the FEAR STREET series

 

ROB DEAN:   “Art, films, books were all better! Originality mattered! You gave us Face-Zucker-suck!” – Lambert Wilson, THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  “Now take your fucking pants off.” – Ben Affleck, THE LAST DUEL

 

 

 

BEST LINE, IN CONTEXT

 

JON ABRAMS:  If you told me a few days ago I’d be standing here with one arm and one testicle, trying to reason with you bitches, I would have said ‘Impossible’ too.” The way Nicolas Cage says the word “testicle” in PRISONERS OF THE GHOSTLAND all on its own is absolute justification for the current wave of goodwill he’s experiencing. Right up there with “Die!” in FACE/OFF.

 

JAY ALARY:  MORTAL KOMBAT, “The word “combat” isn’t even spelled right.” – MORTAL KOMBAT

 

RILEY CASSIDY:   “Oh my God. That’s Mid-Sized Sedan.” – OLD

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  “Spring eats winter, winter eats fall, fall eats summer, summer eats spring.” – HELLBENDER.

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   “Tell everyone.” – CANDYMAN

 

 

 

BEST LINE IN OR OUT OF CONTEXT

 

JON ABRAMS:  “Why did you go in there? The rest of us have kids!” — BAD TRIP

 

ROB DEAN:  “Never confuse shit with chocolate. They may look the same, but the taste is very different. Trust me I know.” —  HOUSE OF GUCCI

 

KATELYN NELSON:   That part in MALIGNANT where Madison says she’s adopted.

 

BRETT GALLMAN:    “Sydney, I’m adopted.” — MALIGNANT

 

 

[WORST] LINE IN OR OUT OF CONTEXT

 

JAY ALARY:  HALLOWEEN KILLS, “Evil dies tonight!” Shut up already. (Sorry again—I really disliked the movie.)

 

 

 

BEST NICOLAS CAGE MOVIE

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:   PIG 

 

RILEY CASSIDY:    PIG

 

KATELYN NELSON:   PIG

 

ROB DEAN:   PIG

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   PIG

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   PIG

 

MATT KONOPKA:  PIG

 

MATT WEDGE:  PIG

 

JAY ALARY:  PIG is one of the best Nicolas Cage movies I have ever seen and I’m not sorry to include a non-genre film. People who are only familiar with his, ah, spirited film performances, will be shocked to see the man can still rein it in when necessary. It’s refreshing and revelatory to see Cage provide such a powerful performance with so few words of dialogue in Michael Sarnoski’s startling directing debut. Many critics will often cite a film as being poetic, but PIG truly is a visual poem on isolation, grief, and loss, as well as how food connects us all, not merely as sustenance, but as a powerful tool of sense memory.

 

JON ABRAMS:  I really did love PRISONERS OF THE GHOSTLAND and WILLY’S WONDERLAND a lot. But yeah. Obviously. Come on. It’s PIG.

 

 

 

BEST FIGHT

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  NOBODY

 

MATT WEDGE:  The bus fight in NOBODY

 

ROB DEAN:  RAGING FIRE (yeah, all of it)

 

RILEY CASSIDY:   Hotel-room standoff in ZOLA

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  The backwards fights in MALIGNANT.

 

MATT KONOPKA:   Prisoners vs. Gabriel in MALIGNANT.

 

JAY ALARY:  GODZILLA vs. KONG.  2021 was nearly as bad as 2020, but at least we had King Kong and Godzilla duke it out for the first time in over 50 years, monster a monster, in GODZILLA vs. KONG. I’m admittedly not much of a kaiju fan, but as someone who grew up with KING KONG (1976), I will always root for the World’s Greatest Ape (sorry  Gorilla Grodd) and Adam Wingard’s film delivers on a supreme monster bash (sorry)—who knew the director of THE GUEST had it in him to depict two titans fighting each other before they realize they have a common foe? Smashing stuff!

 

 

 

 

BEST CAR

 

RILEY CASSIDY:   Saab 900, DRIVE MY CAR 

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   Dodge Challenger, NOBODY 

 

ROB DEAN:    Family station wagon, THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES

 

MATT WEDGE:    The “father” in TITANE.

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  The daddy-car from TITANE.

 

MATT KONOPKA:   Alexia’s love bucket in TITANE

 

JON ABRAMS:  The Caddy low-rider from TITANE, also a winner at this year’s Bizarros for Best Love Scene.

 

 

 

BEST CAR CHASE

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   LICORICE PIZZA

 

ROB DEAN:  Hawkeye, Episode 3 car chase

 

KATELYN NELSON:    The part in F9 where they go to space

 

 

 

BEST DOG

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  Manchee in CHAOS WALKING

 

ROB DEAN:   Monchi, THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES

 

KATELYN NELSON:   Monchi, THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   Cha-Chi, WEREWOLVES WITHIN

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  The maybe-dog from WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING.

 

MATT KONOPKA:  The talking dog in WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING.

 

JON ABRAMS:  I didn’t spot too many great dogs in the movies I saw (THE POWER OF THE DOG: not too many dogs in it, turns out!), so I’m nominating Brandy from PIG, the finest animal performer of 2021. Rest in power.

 

 

 

BEST WORST MOVIE

 

KATELYN NELSON:   MALIGNANT

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   DON’T BREATHE 2

 

ROB DEAN:  PUPS ALONE

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   WRONG TURN

 

 

 

WORST BEST MOVIE

 

ROB DEAN:  DON’T LOOK UP

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   DON’T LOOK UP

 

KATELYN NELSON:  DON’T LOOK UP

 

JON ABRAMS:  It’s a fucking tie between BEING THE RICARDOS and DON’T LOOK UP. I think BEING THE RICARDOS gets the edge for having a way stupider title. At least DON’T LOOK UP doesn’t force any of its cast members into makeup that turns them into Jerry Mahoney (Google him, kids).

 

 

 

BEST HERO MOMENT

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   James Bond, NO TIME TO DIE

 

ROB DEAN:   Kong resetting his shoulder before getting back into the fight, GODZILLA VS. KONG

 

KATELYN NELSON:  When the little deaf girl signs with Kong in GODZILLA VS. KONG

 

JON ABRAMS:  CHRISTOPHER LLOYD!!! AND THE RZA!!!

 

 

 

BEST “FUCK YOU” MOMENT

 

ROB DEAN:  Bus Fight, NOBODY

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  All of VIOLATION

 

BRETT GALLMAN:    Michael Myers surviving the climax of HALLOWEEN KILLS

 

MATT KONOPKA:   Gabriel’s chair throw in MALIGNANT

 

 

 

BEST OPENING SCENE

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  THE SUICIDE SQUAD

 

ROB DEAN:   THE SPARKS BROTHERS

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  Bo Burnham’s INSIDE

 

MATT KONOPKA:   A QUIET PLACE PART II

 

 

 

 

BEST OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE

 

MATT KONOPKA:   ARMY OF THE DEAD

 

ROB DEAN:   CANDYMAN

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   THE SUICIDE SQUAD

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   THE BETA TEST

 

 

BIZARRO OSCARS: PANDEMIC EDITION!

 

 

HAVE YOU BEEN BACK TO THEATERS YET? IF SO, WHAT MOVIE BROUGHT YOU BACK?

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  FREAKY 

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   MORTAL KOMBAT

 

MATT KONOPKA:   A QUIET PLACE PART II

 

ROB DEAN:   Press screenings.

 

MATT WEDGE:  A retro screening of Don Dohler’s 1978 debut feature THE ALIEN FACTOR.

 

KATELYN NELSON:   The first time was for THE BATMAN, because my dad wanted to have a dad/daughter night.

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  Probably going to see THE BATMAN tomorrow, actually.

 

JON ABRAMS:  SNAKE EYES: G.I. JOE ORIGINS. And maybe the fact that it was my first theatrical movie in almost two years colors the following opinion, but I really don’t think this movie deserves the venom it got. I don’t regard it the way I consider, say, THE NIGHT COMES FOR US, but who am I – who are you – who are any of us, really – to disrespect any movie with this many ninjas in it?

 

 

 

WHAT MOVIE DID YOU WATCH IN QUARANTINE THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN ON THE BIG SCREEN WITH AN AUDIENCE?

 

MATT KONOPKA:   HALLOWEEN KILLS

 

ROB DEAN:  NO SUDDEN MOVE

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  TENET

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  MALIGNANT

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  MALIGNANT and THE NIGHT HOUSE.

 

KATELYN NELSON:   MALIGNANT or PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: NEXT OF KIN.

 

MATT WEDGE:  MALIGNANT. I thought the actual movie was just okay, but I would have loved to seen that setpiece (you know the one) with a horror loving audience.

 

JON ABRAMS:  MALIGNANT. For Gabriel. And NOBODY. For Christopher Lloyd.

 

 

 

WAS THERE ANY STUDIO FEATURE YOU FELT ACTUALLY BENEFITTED FROM WATCHING AT HOME?

 

 

ROB DEAN:  BARB AND STAR GO TO VISTA DEL MAR (it felt like discovering this weird quirky thing overlooked by many)

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  Watching WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING from my apartment felt appropriately claustrophobic.

 

JON ABRAMS:  PIG. I would’ve been so irritated if some fuckface got on their smartphone while I was having this experience.

 

 

 

WHAT MOVIE DO YOU WISH YOU HADN’T WATCHED IN QUARANTINE?

 

AMYLOU AHAVA: ROOM 9

 

MATT WEDGE:  THE HITMAN’S WIFE’S BODYGUARD

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  I’m still not sure I’m happy I saw HONEYDEW, period.

 

JON ABRAMS:  BEING THE RICARDOS. It’s exactly the movie I thought it was going to be. Watching it was redundant. Also: I’ve seen way more Lifetime Movies than anyone of my intellect should ever admit to, but let’s talk about that some other time.

 

 

 

DID YOU HAVE A GO-TO 2021 SUB-GENRE? 

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  Cannibal Horror

 

ROB DEAN:  Superhero Movies

 

MATT KONOPKA:  Slashers

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Classic Film Noir

 

KATELYN NELSON:   Animation and Haunted Houses

 

JON ABRAMS:   Shark movies, weirdly enough.

 

 

 

WHAT ONE 2021 TV SERIES DID YOU MOST ENJOY BINGE-WATCHING?

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:   Midnight Mass

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  Succession

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Cobra Kai

 

ROB DEAN:   Hawkeye/Midnight Mass (tie)

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   You (Season 3)

 

MATT KONOPKA:   Chucky 

 

KATELYN NELSON:  The Woman in the House Across the Street From the Girl in the Window, or Chucky

 

JON ABRAMS:   Probably Brand New Cherry Flavor. A lady spits up a cat in the second episode. Cat-puking scenes are even better than cat-eating scenes, in my opinion. Also Peacemaker and Succession. I know. That’s three. And Chucky. Four.

 

 

 

SAME QUESTION AS ABOVE, BUT WHAT NON-2021 TV SHOW SAVED YOUR QUARANTINE?

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  The Sopranos

 

RILEY CASSIDY:   BoJack Horseman

 

ROB DEAN:   Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  King Of The Hill

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  Mrs. Fletcher

 

MATT KONOPKA:  The Good Place

 

KATELYN NELSON:   Bob’s Burgers and Mystery Science Theater 3000

 

JON ABRAMS:   Vice Principals. JFC. All respect to Eastbound & Down and Righteous Gemstones, but this may be the finest (series of) hour(s) yet for the McBride/Hill/Gordon Green team.

 

 

 

WHICH MOVIE STAR WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO BE QUARANTINED WITH, AND WHY?

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  Bruce Campbell.

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  Dakota Johnson. Because I think we’d have a lot to talk about.

 

ROB DEAN:   Pedro Pascal. He just seems like a righteous dude.

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:  Kathryn Hahn! She just seems great.

 

JON ABRAMS:  Always Pam Grier. I could interview her about all her movies and then we could ride horses.

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Keanu Reeves. Maybe he could teach me a thing or two about being so cool.

 

 

WHAT MOVIE GAVE YOU HOPE FOR THE FUTURE IN 2021?

 

MATT WEDGE:  BILL & TED FACE THE MUSIC

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   Bo Burnham’s INSIDE, LAND, BARB AND STAR GO TO VISTA DEL MAR.

 

ROB DEAN:  THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES

 

KATELYN NELSON:  THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES

 

JON ABRAMS:  TITANE. I want to stick around for (at least) as long as Julia Ducournau is making movies.

 

BRETT GALLMAN:    THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD

 

 

WRAPPING IT UP…

 

 

WHICH SONGS SAVED YOUR LIFE IN 2021? BONUS POINTS IF IT CAME FROM A MOVIE SOUNDTRACK.

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  “Don’t Really Want To Walk To Taco Bell Without You” by Boris The Sprinkler

 

ROB DEAN:  “All Eyes On Me” by Bo Burnham from BO BURNHAM: INSIDE

 

BRETT GALLMAN:   “Life on Mars,” thanks to LICORICE PIZZA

 

RILEY CASSIDY:   “Fuck Off” from POPSTAR: NEVER STOP NEVER STOPPING

 

JON ABRAMS:   “All Night” by Low. Also “Roost” by Big Black Delta, which I had heard before I heard it in Vice Principals but which never really hit me that hard before that moment, and every moment since.

 

 

WHICH BELOVED CELEBRITY WE LOST IN 2021 WOULD YOU CHEER FOR LOUDEST DURING THE BIZARRO IN MEMORIAM TRIBUTE? AND WHY?

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  Norm MacDonald

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Sonny Chiba

 

CLAIRE HOLLAND:   Cloris Leachman, Jessica Walter, and Betty White – all the great dames.

 

JON ABRAMS:   Sonny Chiba. DMX. MF DOOM. Biz Markie. Gift Of Gab. Norm MacDonald. Christopher Plummer. Markie Post. Charlie Robinson. Tanya Roberts. Big Bad William Smith. Andrew Vachss. Melvin Van Peebles. MKW. I don’t know. Brutal year.

 

 

AS ALWAYS, WHAT CATEGORY SHOULD THE REAL OSCARS HAVE THAT THEY DON’T?

 

 

AMYLOU AHAVA:  Best Death Scene

 

MATT KONOPKA:   Stunts

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Achievement in Stunt Work

 

ROB DEAN:   Still Stunts/Stunt Team/Stunt Coordinator

 

MATT WEDGE:  I say the same thing every year: Best Stunt Team/Best Stunts

 

JON ABRAMS:   Best Stunts. We all say it every year. Also Best Animal Performance.

 

 

WHAT CATEGORY IS THIS LIST MISSING, AND WHO SHOULD WIN?

 

BRETT GALLMAN:  Mike McPadden Award for Best Teen Movie: LICORICE PIZZA

 

ROB DEAN:  Best Animated Film: THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES

 

MATT KONOPKA:  Best Kill, which should go to the Bread Slicer from Fear Street 1994

 

RILEY CASSIDY:  Best Freak-Out: Jim Cummings in THE BETA TEST

 

KATELYN NELSON:  Best Disabled Character in a Movie or TV Show: Leeza (Annarah Shephard) from Midnight Mass

 

JON ABRAMS:  I can’t believe we have Best Hero, Best Villain, and Best Evil Henchman, and no category for

BEST SIDEKICK: The RZA, NOBODY.

BEST LOVE SCENE: Alexia (Agathe Rouselle) & Vintage Cadillac Lowrider, TITANE.

MOST EXCITING FILMMAKING TEAM-UP: I’ll be there in a second for anything Timo Tjahjanto does with Iko Uwais and/ or Joe Taslim, but also please remember: Vivica A. Fox and David DeCoteau made six movies together in 2021.

MOST TROUBLING TREND: People “canceled” for good reason creeping back into movies. Mel Gibson is working regularly again.

MOST ENCOURAGING TREND: Diversity in behind-the-camera roles in genre films, particularly horror. Art is overall better the more voices get a chance to express themselves. I can admit that my fellow progressive cinemaniacs can be annoying as hell about it sometimes, but I adamantly believe that the more we hear from writers and filmmakers who are women, people of color, LGBTQIA+, and so on, the more we will be treated to new and exciting visions on screen. It’s the right thing to do, for sure, but also don’t forget the artistic and creative rewards for all of us. Do the right thing and everyone wins.

 

 

OOPS. SUPERMAN’S HERE. TIME TO GO!

 

 

 

SEE YOU LAST YEAR! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tags: 2021, Awards, Bizarro, Bizarro Oscars, Dogs, GODZILLA, king kong, Luis Guzmán, Nicolas Cage, Superman